A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I was in a relationship with someone that became obsessive, too intense, and ultimately awful. He isolated me from my friends and the stress of the relationship made me physically unwell. I broke it off but my ex stalked me online for about a year afterwards, so I think I have some problems with privacy and personal space.Now, I've met somebody new who I'd like to spend time with - but I'm so cautious and often worried about how I'm splitting my time up that I always brush off seeing him. The truth is; I'm terrified of losing my great friends and excellent work ethic at the sake of liking someone. It's not a serious issue, but I'd love to hear from others who have been through similar situations! Have you got any ways of figuring out how to split your time effectively? Is it possible for me to keep all my friends and my high grades whilst maybe casually dating someone?Thank you!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): First of all, please don't brush people off. That is rude, and quite disrespectful of his feelings.
It is inconsiderate of his effort to spend time with you.
No one else is responsible for what other people did to you in the past. Distrust due to what someone else did to you, is an over-used and convenient excuse too many people use nowadays to dismiss their flaky-behavior. That's a lame way to justify not treating people right. You have to employ some maturity; if you intend to date and maintain adult-relationships. Treat people the way you want to be treated.
Hold any guy you date "individually-responsible" for his actions, and how he treats you. If someone is kind to you, they deserve the same in return; and there is no exception to that. Some guy stalked you and so-forth, that was him. Not the one you're with. If the stalker traumatized you, seek professional-help. You're not ready for a serious commitment to a boyfriend.
You can still "date." There's less pressure in that. Dating is a good way to get-out, socialize, and interact with other young people. You can still enjoy making-out and affection (minus casual-sex); but you're not ready for a steady commitment just yet. You've admitted that. If you can't date without becoming totally-attached to every guy, you need some help there too.
Here's a logical question to bounce around in your brain.
How is a one-sided commitment with only one person trusting and willing to give all they've got, worth anybody's time?
Place your priorities in order. If your schoolwork requires extra effort, study-time, and concentration; then that comes first. If you have neglected or ignored your friends longer than it is polite to do; then adjust your schedule to give them love, affection, and face-time to prove how much you appreciate them. They are your emotional-anchor and support-system.
You can have all of the above. Part of your college-
experience is learning how to budget time, and set priorities. Learning how to balance your activities, and save free-time for rest, recreation, and a love-life. To seek help in areas of weakness, to sharpen your skills, and take advantage of your strengths.
If you are not well, your physical and mental-health is your top-priority! Nothing else comes close!
If you believe you are having issues and anxiety from possible post-traumatic stress from the stalker; you should definitely seek professional-counseling. There should be an on-campus psychologist available, or you can go private.
You don't make excuses for your behavior; and still insist on dating people, and making lop-sided commitments. You must work on those issues in order that you can reciprocate the kindness and trust someone is risking their heart and feelings to offer you. You can hurt them too!
Postpone romantic-commitments and other activities that place too much stress and pressure on you. If school and friends are all you can handle, or balance in your life right now; then that is where you should focus your time and attention.
If you can't give a good boyfriend everything he deserves; stay single for awhile, and work on recovering from the trauma sustained from the last one. You are really very young, and have plenty of time to stretch and grow. Be fair and patient with yourself. Take-on only what you can handle, and still feel happy. You still have to be happy!
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