A
male
age
41-50,
*orbav
writes:My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together since highschool for a total of being exclusive to each other for 13 years. We have two gorgeous children, my little girl is 3 and my precious son just turned 1. 7 months or so after my son was a couple of months since my wife had gone back to work she asks me one night out of a scale from 1-10 what would I rate our marriage. Up to that question she had been acting distant for a couple of days or so. I told her well when you have been acting like you have for the past week I would rate our relationship a 5, but when you act like the person I fell in love with and married I give it a 9.8, I then asked her what she rated our marriage and she gave it a 3. To me this was devastating. The first thought that came to my mind was she has to be seeing someone else to be so dis-interested in our marriage and the rasing of our children. When I asked her if there was someone else she flat out denied that there was, which left me searching for an answer. I then asked her what could I do to make things better, she said doing more around the house and helping out more with the kids. I told her that would not be a problem, so I changed and did everything I could to tidy up the house, or spend more time with the kids instead of the TV remote. After this encounter I couldnt help the feeling that there had to be someone running through her mind, so I became very investigative. A couple of weeks after this encounter we had got our house burgularized and they stole our laptop amongst other things. The day after this happend I went to my parents house to change the passwords to our online accounts. I then told my wife what I had changed her email account password to so that she can change it to whatever she wanted to , she answered back its ok, I have nothing to hide. A couple of months had passed, and that feeling in my gut still present made me do something I am ashamed to admit that I did, I checked her incoming emails, and looked at emails sent and recently deleted. I found an email article that she sent to a male co-worker regarding being unhappy in marriages. I felt furious on what I had found so I confronted her about it. This is when she told me that when we got married she wasnt sure she should of gone along with it, and felt kind of pressured from her family and all of the planning that had gone into it. I then asked her why did we start a family if you had these doubts and she told me that she had hoped that it would change our relationship for the best, but I didnt and she still feels the same. She told me that she loves me, but isnt in love with me. Although we have agreed to do everything we can to make this work, I feel that I am the one giving 100% percent and she isnt. We finally came to the conclusion that we would just stay a week apart from each other, and hopefully time apart will make her heart grow fond of what we have. Is it possible for her to disconnect from our relationship without someone else pursuing her or her cheating on me? I love her more than anything in this world and would do whatever it took to win her heart back. I am confused and heartbroken what can I do?
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male
reader, borbav +, writes (30 April 2008):
borbav is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers, and insights. I am trying everything but she just seems to be not interested in making it work at times, when at other times she shows me affection. It totally makes me confused, and hurt. But when she shows me that she cares it makes me want to make our relationship work even more.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 April 2008):
No she is not cheating, you jumped to that conclusion because she said she was unhappy.
Is it that you wanted to blame someone?
There is no evidence that she has cheated. She gave you all her passwords without you even asking. Her email to a male friend was just that, it was asking for advice, just as you are doing now.
By accusing her of cheating you are just adding to the list of problems in your marriage. So stop it.
Concentrate instead on getting back what you had when you fell in love in the first place. While you are apart send her flowers and a note reminding her of happy romantic times you've had.
Then respect her space and find yourself a project to do around the house to distract yourself.
I hope you can win her back. Just don't sabotage it by accusing her of stupid things.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I'm going to tell you about myself because it might shed some light on what your wife is experiencing. You mention that after having kids she's gone back to work--right there she's dealing with a big change in her life, one that exposes her to new people and makes her feel like she is doing something more than just being a mom at home. This is both exhilerating and complicated for a woman, who may often feel like her functions in the home define her, yet inside she is so much more. Many of us (women) view ourselves with a lot of ambiguity and the truth is we are vulnerable, especially at transitional times in our lives, to responding to the attention of people outside our marriage who make us feel important or interesting.I'm not saying your wife is cheating. But certainly the transition from homemaker back to work is going to give her a different sense of who she is--not "just" your wife, not "just" Mom to the kids. The thing is, she may be inclined to cheat with someone from her new context because that involvement reinforces--temporarily--for her the idea that she is more than just those roles.I write to you from a difficult place, because I've been going through something like this myself. My husband is a great guy and works hard and is open to change; but in our marriage passion has not really been there, at least for me. I did not always think it was that important. We married because we were heading the same direction in life, more or less, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I think he had passion for me, but for my part it was not one of the main factors, although I cared for him and was willing to commit to him. Even if he does feel deeply he is not very expressive when it comes to the ways I would feel truly valued as a woman.So, after 12 years of marriage, while making efforts to encourage more of an emotional connection with my husband, I would say that especially at busy or stressful times I've disconnected from him. Until recently it only meant less communication, making less of an effort to find things we can do and enjoy together.However, this past year I went back to work on a part time basis. And, I met someone through my work who let me know he thought I was attractive. I confess I responded without much hesitation to his attention, because it suggested and in fact contained the kind of passion I never even expected to feel again, from anyone. This relationship has not developed into a sexual affair, as this person is also married, but there is no question that an emotional connection was made between us, which I would have to describe as a kind of cheating. I am not saying that this is a good situation or right in any way, obviously it is not. The thing you need to consider is that if she seems to be cheating, the disconnect in the relationship has happened long before. What you say about her thoughts in marrying you is interesting because, like me, she chose to go ahead with it without necessarily feeling everything you would have wished her to feel. And I guess these things come back through at some point for women who are dealing with their identity issues, as I am and as your wife seems to be. Under normal circumstances she would be willing to maintain the commitment; but with some new factors involved, it becomes challenging, to say the least.In my case I know my involvement is futile and stupid and I am trying to work myself past needing it. I know I've let myself in for a lot of misery and problems, in trying to find the emotional connection I felt was missing in my marriage. I don't want to overwhelm you, especially as you clearly are contributing a lot to the relationship, but I would just say that your wife is going to need a lot of your attention at this time, which you may or may not feel you can provide. The biggest thing for me, and I think for women in general, is to feel emotionally connected to your husband: to feel like he can listen to you when you talk about those things that are really important to you; that he treats you with respect at all times; that he takes the time to share his inner self with you. Eye contact! Just looking in her eyes as she talks in a way that says "you are SO important to me and I'm interested in you" can be so affirming...Another factor in my experience has been that at this time I have no close female friends. I feel if I'd had women I was close to and could talk to, it would have been a lot easier to not get carried away with this relationship I mentioned. Just the chance to sit and talk to someone about things that matter to both of us has been a huge part of the attraction. So, if your wife has close women friends she can confide in, encourage her to take advantage of those relationships. If not, the burden falls to you, and I know it's not easy. But if you want her to reconnect with you, which I believe CAN happen, and perhaps more strongly than in the past, you may need to work on developing that emotional connection. I don't know if you will find this helpful in any way but I wish you and your wife all the best.
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