A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend of 10 months and we are in a long distance relationship. After two months dating he left for overseas. Before he left I saw emails between him and two other girls. Supposedly they use to date. I questioned it and he said it means nothing and he will stop the emails. SO we moved on. He was in overseas for 3 months so I'm not stupid I know he probably was seeing the other girls. I decided to not trip until he comes back. He gets back and this one particular girl calls him on his new number so all hell broke loose. If this girl means nothing, how did she have access to your new number the same day. He begged and begged so we squashed it and moved on once again promising to work on these issues. Hey I know I have a forgiving heart. I decided to start doing a lil investigative work to be sure of what is going on since at this point I don't trust him anymore. I created fake FB profile and added all the girls I'm suspicious about. At least two confirmed that they still think they are in a relationship with my man. So everyone in my family likes me and told me to be patient. Men don't grow or mature quickly. It is clear it is me he wants and loves and have told his family he wants to marry me. Once he gets his finances together we are getting married.Well he has come to visit me and this is almost two weeks, the longest he has stayed. I have snooped in his emails and text messages and saw I love you messages and lying to those women he is another state that is why he is not picking up phone calls. Today is the day God gave me the courage. Two girls called while he was in the bathroom. For the first time in my life, I answered a boyfriend's call. I told the ladies I was his wife and they need not call anymore. I could hear them weeping and hurt so I know for a fact they did not know about me.Well here we are, he knows what I did and found out. He said he does not want to speak about the issue. Folks I love my man and I know the good in him. I feel like I was brought to his life to wake him up to change his ways. If we speak on things today and he packs his bag and leave, I am ok with it because I am fed up. However my heart still wants him and my prayer is if he promises to change and proves to me that he is a changed man, I know for a fact I will have him back.Am I a fool for LOVE for giving him another chance if proven worthy of one? 2. I have heard of men having a main chick and letting other girls know they are side pieces either with their actions and words. Is it possible that a man can love more than 5 woman at the same time, promise them marriage but knows which one he really wants?
View related questions:
I love you, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Yes he admits his mistakes yesterday when we had a 3hr talk...im willing to have patience and see what happens. Gonna be tough but i think it might be worth it...I wont know if i dont go through it...Only me will know when im truly fed up...
A
male
reader, Ambassadeur Koko  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 A partner needs to be happy in a relationship and enjoy it. You sound like you are not happy at all but you strongly love this man. Patience can pay but if you can wait too long.
I was going to ask you to quit if you are fed up but you have said his Old friends and current friends say that he has been a womanizer and if it is so, Human being can't change over night, it will take time and lots of challenges to let him change completely.
If he is a man who admits his mistakes and ask for forgiveness, then he can be a good one but if he completely refuse to accept his mistakes and don't ask for forgiveness then he is a bad guy.
Go on breaking all his connections and secret cheatings in any way you can, he will feel trapped completely by you when you take over all his cheatings and he will give up and settle with you if he truely loves you. But don't do it in a harsh way but responsible ways. I mean don't quarrel or use any violence but respond to any discovered new girl politely and take her off your way you will make it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): So very confused
You finally answered my inquiry...
Fragile ego....
Yes thats it...Because I see him as always wanting to feel important and I dont do that enough...I dont act like im sweating him so I think these other females fulfill this fragility.
Its worse that it was happening while you both were married though...Me on the other hand can walk away now and wont feel a thing because Ive given it my all, its his turn now to prove I am worthy to be the only woman in his life.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
 ONE of the things that wrecked my last marriage was my husband's inability to NOT have emotionally intimate relationships with other women. He had to have other women stroke his fragile ego, I was NOT enough. It was wearing.
he would tell them "love you" and tell me because he didn't use "I" it was OK. it was NOT.
trust was lost
faith was lost
the marriage was lost
think long and hard about being with a man that's good in all but one or two ways especially if they are CRITICAL to your mental or physical health.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually hear this all the time "If you love him forget about the other girls and work hard to convince your man to remain for you alone. The way you may treat him and love him can get his mind away from the other girls."
It keeps ringing in my head "Forget the other girls, forget the other girls, forget the other girls" This I have tried. They are no treat to me. It's my boyfriend I am concerned about. The use of the word "I love you" to any other girl but me is mind blowing and upsetting...I can forget about the other girls if that is what they are but they are not. We are all The Girls he is playing these games with. As far as convincing him to remain for me alone by the way I treat him and love him, oh I have done this and he knows this...I have tried to walk away before and he chased after me to no end so Yes he knows what he got.
Im just tired of the silly games. At 36 a man should be a man and be about his business.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I'm the female anon who responded first.I do not subscribe to the old saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. People can and do change for better or for worse.However we're not talking about one indiscretion in the past for which he came clean. We're talking about the present and the future. He is CURRENTLY stringing several women along because he has FUTURE plans for them. It may not be marriage, but it will be intimate.Nor do I agree with overlooking one bad quality in a partner as long as they possess 4 good ones. What if that one bad quality is serial rape, armed robbery, organized crime? Do you overlook that simply because he's good in other ways?Your boyfriend is not a good catch. You will not be the only woman in his life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know everyone have their independent opinion. But honestly what will you do is the question when you have a GOOD man who does everything for you, makes you feel like a queen but his only flaw is wondering eyes...Do you try to set things straight thinking maybe this have been a part of him for a long time and it wont change overnight? If he promise to change and keeps his word, should I not give him another chance? Or should I automaticallly assume once a cheater always a cheater. I have seen relationship that started rocky but ended up being a blossoming relationship at the end because all of the rocks and mountains were broken down in the beginning before it got too far...Im just confused. Can't let a good man go. No one is perfect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responnses:I am at a terrible crossroad because the relationship seems perfect if I haven't stumbled upon his facebook email, I will have had no clue what was going on behind closed doors but you know what they say "What happens behind closed door will surely come to light one day" I feel God is showing me all these signs at an earlier stage so we can work it out and make things work. He is very good to me and family. Yes the player thing cannot be tolerated that is why I did what I did this morning. And up until now he is sitting down on the couch in the basement looking pitiful. Either he is hurt that he has lost two girls or he is hurt that I had the audacity to do what I did or hurt that he knows he have been caught in his lies which has ultimately hurt me...There will be no more "They are just friends, stop tripping" I don't even want an explanation, I need to know what he intends in doing in moving forward. My biggest fear is that it doesnt repeat itself.As far as telling his boys, almost all his boys are married and everytime we go out they give him a lot of pressure in settling down because they knew him back in the days to be a ladies man. I don't want to tell them he is still a ladies man maybe subtle but his past is definitely still hunting him. I dont want to be the girl that wants to change a man but I truly believes he needs help whether or not we are both gonna end up together. I want him to get IT...Cos' he doesn't.Like I said I am glad i found these things out. Because he showed me no reason to believe he had extracurrivular activities outside. Maybe its because he is jobless now and idle looking for jobs and its a way for him to feel loved or something...Boy I dont know. I know some men have a main chick and caution their side pieces but I have never met a man that plays all same woman at the same time making them think they are one day gonna be the MRS...It's so easy nowadays to date other women on the side without commiting to them. You simply put them in their place. Why will he choose this route?
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Okay, I see BIG giant red flags of trouble.The real question is not if HE can love multiple women, but if YOU can love a man who cheats?It is almost if you are saying, "As long as he loves me the most, I will fight for him."Ask yourself why you would really WANT this man?You have already become a private detective and found that he is not very honest with you. He does not want to discuss it either. (Marriages NEED to communicate boundaries, dissapointments, and feelings) You are fed up, but you do not trust him. If he can lie to other women and make them believe he loves them...he CAN do that to you too. If you keep forgiving him and letting him back in your life, then he is going to keep you on his call list. What does he give you that is worth holding on to?
...............................
A
male
reader, Ambassadeur Koko +, writes (6 June 2011):
You can not get a partner who is perfect. He may not have all the qualities you need in a man but if he has atleast 4 that you like, then you can give him other chances given he proves that he has changed. You are in that relationship because you love him and patience with him can help. You can not rest or be happy if you are in relationship and you want to know all the time where is your man, whom does he speak to and what could he be doing now because this will make you eager to search on his privacy or spy on him. You wanted to find the truth but the truth has given you onother heart break. If you love him forget about the other girls and work hard to convince your man to remain for you alone. The way you may treat him and love him can get his mind away from the other girls. Infact your man is a player but he loves you. This are my opinions, I don't know if I have put them in the right context to help your situation and to tell you exactly what I mean.Let his friends talk to him about this, may be he can change.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): 'Is it possible that a man can love more than 5 woman at the same time, promise them marriage but knows which one he really wants?'.....Obviously it CAN be done. You're boyfriend is doing it as we type this. That's the whole problem here. He's playing several different women at once, yourself included. If he was certain he wanted to be with you and only you, he'd be with you and only you, wouldn't he?
Your boyfriend isn't demonstrating a lack of maturity but a lack of character. Your family is doing you a terrible disservice by advising you to be patient.
If you're ok with letting him go then do it. Now, BEFORE you have children with him. Before you're reliant on his income to make ends meet. Before you're stuck relying on him for support payments.
...............................
|
