A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, through common friends I met a guy at a dinner and we clicked instantly. I have been single for 3 years and I'm very hard to connect with someone immediately. We spoke the entire evening and exchanged numbers. The next morning I had to fly in a business trip that lasted 2 months, we texted and called almost every day and he told me that he's married with 2 kids, i was devastated as I don't even think about dating a taken man. I cried myself to sleep and decided to cut contact. A week later he texted just checking on me, he was respectful and friendly and somehow I couldn't stop myself from getting carried away and we resumed the contact. He said that for 9 years he was a faithful man and I could tell he was even reluctant talking to me. I felt the hesitance in his tone. When I got back in town we met 4 times, and the last 2 times we slept together. I felt the first night we had sex that he felt guilty and was looking at the ceiling, I told him do u wanna talk he looked at me tenderly and said no.. but we had dinner then and continued the evening. A day later he asked to see me again before he traveled so we met and had sex again. He hugged me and gave me roses. When he got back he texted me then skipped 3 days no contact then called, i missed his call and didn't return it cause it was the weekend. Few days later he called again I was in s meeting so missed his call, he sent a text asking if I'm ok and why am I not taking his calls and let's have lunch, I replied 10 minutes later and called but he didn't answer and sent a text later that he will call me back. He did call and was very chilled and sweet. And told me that we must have lunch the next day. He hasn't called the next day and it's been 3 days now.. I feel after he returned from his trip he became cold and he's just calling to seem like a gentleman and not a jerk. I don't get the passionate texts anymore but I can still feel the respect and sweetness he holds for me. But obviously something changed. I never text or call after we had sex to not seem pushy or clingy. What are your thoughts. I know it's not right falling for a married man but I never felt this way before. I just need to understand why the change. He didn't disappear after sex like some guys do but the passion has gone and I feel he only calls and texts once to twice a week out of respect and to check if I'm mad at him. Please tell me your thoughts. Is he cutting it off gradually? Ps: I'm not initiating at all as well cause I don't want to be rejected.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 June 2017):
 OP, I'm not bitter at you - or other women who CHOOSE to enter an affair.
Walking away from that guy was probably the BEST thing that happened - I met my husband of 20 years a couple of years after this happened. It IS water under the bridge, we human forgive, we move on but we never forget.
What I might be "bitter" or rather SAD about is that there are so many women out there (like you) who a GOOD decent human beings, who KNOWS right from "wrong" but don't know their own value and thus "settle" for a guy who can sweet talk her knickers off. Like you said, the moment you found out you didn't want to continue. YET you did. Against (no doubt) your better judgment. And that makes me sad. Because a guy like "this married man" don't deserve YOU - heck, they don't deserve their wives either if they HAVE to lie and deceit in order to "keep" them in their lives.
And yes, in society it is more common for people to "blame" the mistress than the married man. It's "tradition" - Think, The Scarlet Letter. Hester takes all the blame (more or less), yet she didn't pursue this man. In that sense, the "moral" setting hasn't changed all that much. Is it because society expects more of women or they are "easier" to blame? Perhaps a bit of both.
All I'm saying, really, is KNOW your own worth and don't waste it on someone who has NOTHING of substance to give.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie I didn't mean by haters the people whom I'm seeking advice from. I meant the society in general, I came here because I needed u guys to help me do it wasn't meant for u. I'm sorry you were cheated on.. and I do know how it feels because It happened to me many times. But don't ever judge women "like me" since u bitterly labeled us because u never know how karma hits people who usually say I never do this I never do that. I'm a clean straightforward human being who never hurt a soul or cheated on anyone before that gentleman showed up In my life and sweet talked me into this. But right thing prevailed and i walked away. Yes im still questioning and yes im still hurt but I did the right thing and that's what's important .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 June 2017):
To answer your last part of your post
"As for all the haters and people judging women who fall for a married man, why don't you start judging the man for manipulating us and dragging us to an unwanted path full of lies and despair. Not every woman who lives a married man is a home wrecker, no ind knows what this man has said and done to convince her and lure her into an affair."
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It was YOU not the married man who wrote and asked for advice. We are not here to "judge" either of you, but to give advice and hopefully OPEN your eyes to what's going on.
NO ONE can FORCE you into an affair. That is a CHOICE you make, and HE makes. And I think you know that - that is why INITIALLY you dropped him when you heard he was married. Because you DO know better and you WANT more for yourself than some sleazy lying cheating married man.
YOU are not an innocent bystander in the affair, you are a willing participant.
Is he "more in the wrong" than you for cheating on his wife? NO doubt he is. BUT there wouldn't BE an affair if women (like you) stick to their INITIAL standard and TRUST in themselves and tell a married man NO thanks I will NOT be your side-dish, I'm worth SO much more.
You may not intentionally BE or WANT to be a homewrecker - HE is actually the ONE who wrecks his OWN home and family. Again, no doubt, but you CHOSE to assist him in this. You CHOSE to listen to his "woe is me" and his "I just can stop thinking about you, you are the best blah blah blah".
We all make choices when it comes to relationships, some are great, some are good and some are downright bad.
CHOOSING to have a "relationship" with a married man? Not a great or good choice.
I can't speak from experience what cheating is like. I haven't CHEATED on anyone or with someone. I can, however, TELL you what it feels like to be CHEATED on. It's pretty devastating. It feels like you just realized your whole relationship was a lie, build on lies and that YOU (general you) were too stupid to see what kind of GUY he was. While it MIGHT have been all fun and games for the cheater and whomever he cheated with - it CERTAINLY wasn't for me, when I found out. And in THAT - I had no a choice other than to dump him and walk away, start over.
You say you wouldn't want to have someone do THAT to you, so WHY (willingly) do it to his wife?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 June 2017):
 We do judge the man, but he's not here to hear our opinions.
You may be a victim to his charm, but that's all it is. As soon as you found out he wasn't single, you should and could have left. Falling for someone doesn't mean you can't walk away. It's heartbreaking, but you become a "home-wrecker" as soon as you know he's taken and choose not to cut all contact permanently. The only mistresses (or male lovers) in affairs that aren't "home-wreckers" are the ones who don't know. Once they know, they become one if they don't leave for good.
Good luck moving on, OP. He's not worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear female reader, I'm glad u moved on with someone and trying your utmost to forget about him, as u said no matter what a mistress does she remains a mistress and it's very demeaning for her ego and self esteem. The reason why I detached myself and stopped initiating since 2 weeks is because guilt is eating me up, I don't do to people why I dread people doing to me.. his wife is a victim and even if I am too but I willingly plunged into this affair although he's the one who chased me even after I cut it off. The best thing you and I did was moving on even if we're crying now but it's way better than being stuck with someone who's giving us nothing but faded promises and broken self esteem. We will be fine and our hearts will be vacant to meet a man worthy of our attention and love. As for all the haters and people judging women who fall for a married man, why don't you start judging the man for manipulating us and dragging us to an unwanted path full of lies and despair. Not every woman who lives a married man is a home wrecker, no ind knows what this man has said and done to convince her and lure her into an affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): I really just want to share my experience with you. I dated a married man for two years and it's been almost a year since we've talked after having finally took the steps to get over each other enough to end the mess. It was the most intense relationship I have ever had and I still cry over the guy and have trouble loving anyone else the same way I have him. He even went as far as to move out on her but the kids and bills etc they shared for ten years made it to where she was in the picture daily and it was a lot of stress considering the ups and downs we had with each other due to him being married. He was looking for sex, someone on the side to make him feel younger and show him a good time. But despite the part where she had gained a ton of weight and obviously wasn't putting out (he couldn't last five minutes in bed) she loved him and was willing to fight for their marriage. I was someone who is usually single and detached. I don't usually make dinner every night or do the routine boring stuff married people do. So of course I was more fun. At the end of the day, the wife, who by the way lost a bunch of the pregnancy eight and got a new pretty hairstyle, was what he wanted. Their families were one. They were good at raising their kids together. She was wifey who cooked and took on the bills after he left her for me, the girl who was loosing herself in the affair and even went as far as sleeping with two other guys trying to get past the mess while she stayed home with her legs closed the whole two years working on herself. You're playing with fire my dear. A guy who cares about you as a person and not just what they can use you for will invest in you. Not by texting and calling you secretly, but by introducing you to his friend's and family and not leaving you sit for days wondering what's going on. Despite the part where my feelings for him were over the top intense, he was never there for me the way normal boyfriends would be. And I notice a huge difference now that I've moved on to someone I can grocery shop with and call when I have a flat tire. Long term emotional affairs are sometimes the biggest heart break one will ever experience and I don't want to see you go through that. I cried a lot. I cried last night even.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2017):
If there os ONE thing I really dislike it's when people DISMISS blatant RED flags and claim they can't "help" themselves.
The fact (or it might be a lie) that he hasn't cheated before or in 9 years DOESN'T make him a great guy. HE is STILL cheating on his wife and family, and he IS still USING you as a convenient entertainment.
Is he cooling down? No, he just had his fun and now he is either starting to realize WHAT he is about to lose (his family), the NOVELTY of screwing someone else has worn off already or he has realized that you might WANT more than he is willing to "give".
You fear rejection? SO why on EARTH would you go for a guy you found to be MARRIED? He IS going to reject you. If his marriage was so horrible after 9 years he would LEAVE or have left already. So when push comes to shove HE will reject you.
You need to take a good look at yourself and your standards. Are you SO desperate that you will settle for ANOTHER woman's sloppy seconds? Because THAT is what you are doing now. You are Not getting to home life, the holidays, the family gathering, the camping with the kids, etc. GUESS who EVERYONE is going to look at as a "homewrecker"? Ding, ding!! YOU!!
Is THAT who you want to be?
You are not some love sick teenager controlled by her hormones you are "supposedly" a grown woman who SHOULD know better. If you think that there are no decent guys out there, well duh! You go after a married man - how much worse can it be?
There ARE SINGLE guys out there worth dating, worth being with. You have just chosen to be with a married one who is UNAVAILABLE, because it's easier.
Think about it, what do YOU really think is going to come of this affair?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 May 2017):
Hang in there. He may come back. You two deserve each other. Of course his wife and children don't deserve this kind of betrayal. But you don't care about them and his marriage isn't your problem right. So just wait it out. A man who would betray his family and break is wedding vows is worth the time and effort you're wasting not finding a man of your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): Trust me, when he gets the itch again, he will be contacting you and going full force. The passion will magically resume. He will make some excuses as to why he could not contact you. And he knows you will fall for every single one of them. Then you will become his YO YO. Waiting by the phone whenever he can free time for you. You will be putting your whole life on hold to be an unpaid prostitute for a married man whenever he has an urge for sex.Is that all you want to be? Is that all that you are?He will turn you on and then shut you off at will. Hot and cold will be a constant in his behaviour. He will never be able to give you emotional closeness. There will always be distance. He will always have a wall up. And he will never let you in. He will PRETEND to let you in when you are together to fulfill the fantasy in the MOMENT. But once he is gone and the sex is over, his thoughts and heart are back with his wife and family. He is back in the real world and you are left drowning in the fantasy which will swallow you whole. You will be put back on a shelf. And taken down again, when he wants to play with you. Until then, you mean NOTHING to him. You are just his toy. To use at his convenience. You are making yourself available so he is taking advantage of you. He would take advantage of any woman who allowed it.Trust me, the feelings you have now will only grow deeper and in time, your heart will be blasted into millions of pieces when the affair ends. They always do. And the mistress is the one who ends up devastated while the married man goes back to his wife and family. And why is he not devastated? Because, unlike you, he was able to control his emotions and not fall for you. It was all about the sex. Cold, hard sex. You will be devastated because you fell in love with him. And he does not, and will not and cannot love you back. So you are in a constant state of emotional turmoil and anxiety and eventually, depression and self loathing. And you end up doing all you can to beg him for his attention and love while he withholds it from you. He only wants fun. Not the emotional baggage. So, the emotional abuse - exactly what it is - becomes too hard to bear. You wonder why you are not worthy of being loved. The high you felt in the beginning from feeling invincible turns into the deepest of lows from feeling absolutely discarded and forgotten. It is a horrible and painful experience to go from one extreme to the other. There really is nothing worse. Living on the edge and it being a constant rollercoaster ride will destroy even the strongest of women. So, if you are afraid of rejection now, it will only get worse one day when he dumps you when you are totally and completely in love with him. And trust me, it scars you for life. You will never be the same woman again. You will lose your innocence and your self esteem will be wounded for a long, long time. And the grief will be hard to recover from. It may take forever. When the love runs that deep, it becomes a part of us. And maybe that longing and sadness for a love that has ended will prevent you from falling in love with someone else.Please GET OUT NOW. You will be hurt, I know. But this is no comparison to staying with him and 4 years later, realizing that while you fell in love with him, he has always protected himself against having feelings for you, and at any given time, he would walk away, feeling NOTHING for you. Or you could walk away and he would feel nothing for you. Just wish you well. Most women are not cut out to be mistresses. Their emotions get in the way sooner or later. Unfortunately, the very thing that drives them to have the affair is the very thing that sinks them in the end.I am being very real here. I know. I am going through it. And what it does to you, makes you the shell of a person you once were, I would not wish upon anyone.It is not worth it going from intense pleasure to such intense pain.Love yourself, sweetie. This time, go NO CONTACT and stick to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your amazing advices.
WiseOw1E thanks a lot for your long detailed heartfelt advice, trust me guilt is eating me up as well, I think about his family all the time and I wake up every morning with a determination to end it. Then he texts and I cave in and I postpone the plan for one further day. As if I'm having my last slice of paradise. But I will never build my happiness on someone's sadness, never ever, i will never wreck a family.. my ego is a bit bruised although I stopped initiating after our last encounter, but I feel used. He might try to contact me and ask about me but I feel hurt as a woman to feel the passion disappear over night.. I'm sorry but I'm not used to affairs..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): People make mistakes. We all do! Once you realize it's a mistake; it takes strong-character and decency to own it, and correct them.
Cheating has a built-in karma. You start to feel the pain after the passion. You don't get fulfilled. You yearn and long for satisfaction. You sit by the phone waiting, your life stands still, and your heart aches. You feel used.
When you become immune or apathetic to the harm you do to others; it simply rolls back to you. Sometimes exactly in the way you served it.
It was a fling. Bad judgment. You tied your feelings to it; but you dismissed how his behavior was betraying his wife and family. They always say it's the first-time. Does that make it better?!!
His sweet-talk was only bullsh*t; and very typical of a male who is getting a piece on the side. He doesn't want to be judged harshly, just as you don't. He knows it looks bad, and it is bad. He's lying there next to a lonely single-woman; while his wife and kids are at home trusting and waiting for him to return. His wife's trust is misplaced; and discarded for random-sex found in passing. He knows he has no intention of giving-up his marriage. He is an opportunist, and you are simply his treat. No matter how sweet his words and actions. He's taken!
What would you think of him, if he was your husband?
The change is because he has a wife. Remember her? She gets his kids and half of everything! Child-support and alimony!!! Sometimes, that's an afterthought. Suddenly realized!
It isn't uncommon for women to check the phones and devices of their boyfriends and husbands. Especially when they are frequently away, or look guilty. Attribute that to distrust due to his past history, or her strong sense of intuition. We know our mates and their most subtle of changes. She can almost sense any guilt. If he is usually faithful, the guilt will be written all over his face. That too is his karma. To get caught! To suffer the consequences of his actions; and/or to lose what he holds most precious.
I hope you both come-out unscathed!
Cut it off bluntly. Go no-contact with no further explanation. You and he may have caused more damage that you're aware of. Some wives find out and don't say anything. One lady sent me an IM, who told me how she has her husband followed by a PI on his business-trips. She was tipped-off about him by a neighbor who recognized him with a pretty female in another city.
She has four children, a beautiful home, and her parents adore him. She loves him too. It was a very long painful post. I could feel her agony just reading it. She has a two-month old infant!!! He has cheated three times with different women! She has been keeping it all to herself!
Just imagine how she feels! It's just a matter of time!
Trust me, sweetheart; nothing you feel would be as bad as what his wife and children will experience, if she finds out. He may even confess under the pressure of guilt, or incriminating evidence.
You'll get over his rejection and he will be doing you a favor. I'm repeating myself; but I feel it is effective to say; you deserve better than being some married-man's piece on the side. It is beneath your dignity. You wouldn't want to be in his wife's shoes; and discovering your husband has been cheating with another woman. If it does ever happen to you, remember what you did. Then you'll realize how serious and painful it can be from her point of view. We develop empathy by experiencing things ourselves, done to others.
Get out of it now, and forgive yourself; you redeem yourself by never doing it again. They very rarely leave their wives for the other woman. Unlike in romance novels, soap operas; and television dramas. You're an experience on a trip away from home; or an opportunity for a thrill. A fantasy fulfilled!
And if he did leave his wife and family, how will you ever trust him???
The worst side-effect of all this? She might offer him hell and baby-mama drama as long as you're together. You don't need that mess in your life. You sit yearning for him in your painful solitude; but at least it's tranquil! Hell could break-loose! For now, he's back at his home safe and sound. Living his normal life.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 May 2017):
 Maybe he's coming to his senses that he's cheating on the mother of his children.
This man IS NOT respectful. Where the hell did you get that from? He tried to charm you, you supposedly 'cut ties', yet he could still contact you, pestering you until you gave in, which you did. Which is the respectful part?
Why does he need to be 'sweet' anymore? He's got what he wanted, all he needs to do is keep the carrot dangling until he wants to cheat on his wife again.
Get back in the real world, this guy is a straight up asshole. Risking his marriage by stringing along someone that he would NEVER leave his wife for.
I suggest you stop wondering why the sudden change and this time ACTUALLY cut ties. This man is no good.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 May 2017):
You *must* stop. You know it's wrong, so cut it off properly. Tell him it's over and stop talking to each other. It's not relevant whether he feels guilty or not; he *is* guilty, but is still doing it because he doesn't care enough to stop. He is selfish and you are too, if you allow it to continue.
What you have with this man will never be love - infatuation, but never love. You're falling for what you want him to be, not what he is: the cheating husband of someone else.
If you fear rejection, you need to deal with that. Rejection is a part of life, but you shouldn't make it worse by getting into a situation that means it's inevitable - like being the other woman.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 May 2017):
 You do realize you are heading down a dead end street don't you? The rejection you fear is right on the horizon. Settling for some man's sloppy seconds is no way to live. Time to cut your losses and take back your life.
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