A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,Please advise. I Have had a very rocky relationship with my BF. We had an argument last week in which I told him he is selfish, which he is. Usually, when we fall out , things kinda get sorted wihtin 2 - 3 day, (it' usually me who initiates the sorting). Anyway, I told him what I thought, were some home truths a week ago today ,and have been asserting ,myself alot more over the last month or so, as he is very controlling, and I have finally been able to start standing up for myself and have become alot less reliant on him emotionally which has been great for me. Basically, I have got much much stronger. Anyway, i called him the day after I saw him and we had had that argument ,and he was kinda cold and distant, then I did not hear from him for days and days, which is unusual, so I called him up afer around 5 days and as soon as he heard my voice, he slammed the phone down. I was a bit surprised to say the least and texted him and asked him what was the matter? and if I had uspet him and was he ok? he still has not answered me three days later, and i have tried calling him etc and he still won't answer, which is very out of character for him. What confuses me was that he was ok ( ish ) on the phone after the argument, and now this? I find it very disrespectful that he put down the phone on me, and that if we are over, he could at least tell me even if it is my email or text, as this way I have been left in the lurch and hanging. It's really unfair, as I was dating him for a year and a half, and even though the relationship was not great - surely he should have the decency to end it ? I will not call or text him anymore, as he is not answering me at all - but your thoughts would be appreciated as to if he has ended it or not? it seems pretty low to dissapear out of someones life just like tha after a year and a half? thanks xxx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 August 2012):
 Sometimes folks can't give an answer that will make you happy and their option is using NO RESPONSE as their answer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt would be normal to expect an answer/ closure/ explantion after 18 months of a relatsionhip. I don;t even know why... that hurts.x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2012):
No sweetie.. he has NOT left you in the lurch...
YOU do not have to base YOUR decisions on HIS behavior.
NO answer is an ANSWER.... what exactly are you needing and/or wanting him to say?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all.
He stil didn;t reply to my former emails when I asked him if it was over. he is refusin to answer that question. I think that is really mena and have no idea why he won;t just say it.. It has left me in the lurch. :o(x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2012):
why in the world do you need for HIM to end it? YOU can end it. In fact, you have... contact is over.
IF he contacts you, tell him "you didn't respond to me when I called or texted, I assumed it was over and moved on, now you do the same"
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPs - he has still not tried to contact me. I don;t want him back - I am just surprised he could ne this cold and callous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Daisy Daisy, that is a consolation. I am wondering how he got the strength to end it though - as he has always had great difficulty walking away from this. I am starting to feel relieved and happy, but am still jealous about him and other women - but will have to get over that. I cannot belive he has done it in this cold and callous way, but to be honest, I was on my to leaving him anywa, and I think he knew it was just a matter of time until I finally went and met someone else, or left, so in a way he has done me a favour. Its; pretty nast he has dissapeared without a trace after 18 months though, and with no explanation either. I a, not checking my phone on purpose and am leaving it at work o silent in order not to upset myself. I really do want to send an ending it text, but I guess that is giving him more attenition. It has been extremley hard wor for the last 18 months.. I was upset and anxious most of the time, I never felt secure, he was messing me around, unreliable and controlling. I am now finally waking up in the mornings without a heavy heart and feeling in pain. I was taking time of work sic, and gagging in the mornings, and had to take sleeping tablets for some periods of time, I was alos consuming tons of alcohol to cope with the bad feelinsg and getting very very depressed, not looking after myslef, not eating properly ( well, eating junk food) . I had let go of control of my finnances, and was genreally looking like hell. I am pleased to say that I am on a diet , eating well, sleeping well, getting out and about and harldy drinking. I ma still stuggling a bit, but I know one day I will be over it. One day soon. He was abusive and nasty and neraly took me down with him. goodbye and good riddance. Thanks for your help!! xx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Hi. I really don't think that you should feel your ego has been crushed. And I suspect his ego is more bruised than yours if that's any consolation. You turned the tables on him, in a good way, and he didn't like it. You took control for a change. OK, he wants to be in control by ignoring your texts, slamming the phone down on you etc. But you took the initiative to recognise what had to change and you did it. You should be proud of yourself! Read your posts back to yourself if you start to waver or have any doubt in your choices - because it was your choice to stand up to this guy, not his. You took back a bit of control. Take care, be happy and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, Thank you very much for your good answers. They have helped me recognize that actually I am not helping myself by contacting him, although, I quite like the idea of texting him one final time and telling him it is over for good and never taking another call from him. I feel he wants me to say sorry as you said. Well, I won't, as I have nothing to be sorry for. He is a coward for sure, and I am so pleased that I have managed to start living independantly, away from his controlling ways. it is very liberating. He actually took me to hos new place last week, and left me sitting in his bedroom for the entire evening while he decoarated in the other room. That was definetly some sort of control. He was snappy and nasty to me. What changed in the last month was that I was able to not call him as much, and was going out with freinds, and had started developing ,my life again- he became angry and nasty. I really do wish I could get some sort of closure on this, but it seems I won;t and I will now have to make my own closure. Thats tough, considering I was with him for some time, and proves what a nasty chracter he actually is. It hurts. I will not show him any more attention at all, unless I tell him where to go... Canid Cally, yes, I think you are right - he wants me to get desperate. I won't. My life is much better without him and has been since I have been detaching.It's the not knowing that gets to me. I guess my ego is a bit crushed, as he has been the one to finally put a lid on it, but thats life. xx I will update you all. :o) xxx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 August 2012):
You were strong and assertive, and he didn't like it. Tough sh*t! I'm glad to hear that you are standing up for yourself, I really am. He sounds like a control freak who can't cope with a strong woman. So he is not suited to you and you are no longer suited to him. Move on.
I think it is very rude to just ignore someone after being together for 18 months, and it's another reason why you should move on. You can do a lot better, and you know it. He may have been a bit shocked and may be sulking - he may not have decided to end it, and might be waiting for some sort of grovelling apology from you. Or he could have decided he doesnt want an assertive woman. Either way, I think this outcome is best for you. Stand firm.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (13 August 2012):
My thoughts are this:
you are a stronger woman for having recognized his controlling ways.
He is a coward who is either trying to punish you or keep you interested in him by not speaking to you. He wants you to feel desparation. He wants you to want him in some way. By calling/texting/contacting him, you are unknowingly showing him that you want his attention. Even if you only want him to tell you that things are over, you are fuelling some sick part of his ego.
You need to stop contacting him. I think the best way to do this is to text him one final time and tell him you are finished with him and never contact him again. (and do not answer any calls or reply to any further attempts of his to contact you...they could be angry, nasty, begging for you to give him another chance, even flattery...you cannot respond). This method empowers you. It means even if he controlled you in the relationship that YOU control the ending. It means YOU can move on. It means YOU are the one in control of your life.
If you spend all of your life doing what others want, if you spend all of your life compromising yourself to be controlled by others, you will one day realize life is passing you by because you haven't given yourself permission to truely LIVE!!! Please, take this step. Give yourself permission to control your life!
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 If you stop making an effort, it sounds like your relationship will surely end. It sounds like he's either trying to make you feel guilty, or this could be his way of ending things. It sounds like your relationship is very messed up and might be better to just end it. It might be hard, but it sounds like its a must. But it's good that you've learned to stand up for yourself, don't let anyone treat you this way. You deserve better.
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