A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a question about whether it's okay to talk to an ex while dating other girls (but not boyfriend and girlfriend).Here is the story: I had just recently broken up with my ex whom I had been dating for a few years. We broke up due to long distance issues but still talked. A month later I started dating a girl at work and asked her if she wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me "I'm not saying no, but maybe later." I interpreted this as not a full commitment, so I continued to talk to my ex. I still feel very close to my ex and send her "I love you". The girl I was dating at work had asked me if I still talked to my ex. I lied and said "No" even though I was. A couple months went by and she found out on my phone that I was still talking to her and was furious. She doesn't forgive me and tells me that if I ever want to successfully date another girl I need to stop talking to my ex. I feel conflicted on the matter. I would have never lied to her about my ex if she wanted to pursue an actual relationship, but without wanting to commit I felt no obligation to tell her anything. I have asked others (both male and female) if I should be hard on myself for not committing to her even if she wouldn't commit to me. They have told me that it was wrong of me to lie, but at the same time she should understand that we weren't truly a thing so I shouldn't feel obligated to say or do anything. On one side, I feel I should be upfront and honest about who I am dating or still talking to if I'm pursuing others, but something about this situation bothers me. I know that it was wrong for me to have lied, but other then that I don't see an issue if I'm not officially in a relationship with the person.Thank you so much for reading all of this. I felt the need to vent to someone. On a last note, I still work with the girl and see her for multiple hours a day. Every time I see her I feel absolutely awful about everything. How do I move on and learn from this?
View related questions:
at work, broke up, girl at work, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): You're being a player. You're rationalizing and making excuses for your bad-behavior. You skillfully (but obviously) gave yourself an excuse by explaining how the young-lady you're dating was noncommittal about a relationship. Do you take us for dummies??? Did you take her for one too? She doesn't know you that well, and hasn't dated you long enough to know what she feels about you. I know one thing...she's smart!
How convenient would it be to simply use her, while you worked your ex back into your life? One on-hold; while you're schmoozing the other by displaying your sadness and vulnerabilities. That is so cliché and typical player-behavior!
Players like to initiate whirlwind-romances; to get women caught-up in their love-schemes. Making them believe he's serious, and he really can't wait to be her man. You obviously aren't over your ex; and the minute she said she would take you back, you'd drop the other young woman hard and cold! She was only chosen on the rebound, and/or for sex; until you figure-out how to get your ex back! If you were sincere, you'd move on; and you'd leave your ex alone!
Get over your ex before you start dating; and asking other women to be your girlfriend, dude!
Oh btw, the biggest player's tactic is lying!!!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 May 2021):
 I find it interesting that you didn't feel you should tell the girl you were dating the truth as you were not in a "committed" relationship. What else would you feel it was ok to lie to her about? At what point did you think it would be appropriate to tell her the truth? Or is it that you wanted someone installed in the position of "girlfriend" before burning bridges with the ex, sort of like "spreading your bets"? It appears the girl you were dating had her suspicions about YOUR commitment, hence holding back. She dodged a bullet, in my opinion.
Here's a thought: either love your ex and get back with her or stop contact and move on. You cannot do both - as you have found out. How would YOU feel if someone you were dating (whatever name you actually chose to give the relationship) was still talking to her ex every day and telling him she loved him? I know if I was dating someone who was still doing that, I would feel they were not over their ex, not ready for another relationship and, most importantly (for me) that, if the ex wanted to try again, I would be dropped without a second thought. Nobody likes to feel like a "Plan B".
Take a little time to decide whether your relationship with your ex is over or not. If it is, then you need to cut ties and move on emotionally before messing anyone else around. If it's not, then stop dating other women and get back with your ex. If you do decide to finish properly with your ex, look outside the work environment for dates; you have already learned how uncomfortable things can be when romance in the workplace goes wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2021): You were only broken up with your ex for a very SHORT time OP! Dating someone new after just ONE month? That is much too fast. Admit to yourself that you love your ex girlfriend and were/are not over her. And you wanted to stay in touch with her just in case you two could get back together. Whose idea was it to break up? Yours? Hers? Was it mutual?
So... in comes the consolation prize at work... that is girl number 2. You were feeling lonely? Wanted a little SEX? And this girl was convenient and easily available? You already knew her at work and got along and that put her in the right (WRONG) place to be your rebound.
Did this co-worker know you had a girlfriend that you dated for a few years? And did she know you had JUST broken up with her? If so, that places some responsibility on HER. If she knew you were freshly out of a relationship, she would have stayed away, knowing she would just end up being used as a rebound. How she felt entitled to look through your phone is beyond me. She had no right, especially if she was unsure about dating you. But even so, it seems she got too emotionally involved with a guy who was not emotionally available. Some of that is HER responsibility. She should not have placed all her eggs in your basket. She still did like you even if she did not start to date you properly. You already had a relationship at work and maybe she felt some sort of ownership of you. Just because she would not date you did not mean she did not have feelings for you. You were just out of a relationship and she had unrealistic expectations. You did not get over your ex and that relationship. But wanted a soft place to land, to take the pain away, and distract you from feeling awful. She happened to be there. And so it was an easy choice to rebound to her.
No woman wants to be with a guy who says I love you to an ex and then tries to start a relationship with them! AND lies about talking to their ex and DOWNPLAYS IT. That is CRAZY and HURTFUL! You are MESSED UP my dear. Don't drag other people down with you. You need to know what you want and make sure you are HEALED before involving other people's emotions. I really do commend you about seeing the error of your ways, and wanting to make things right. That is very mature of you. But your initial way of handling the situation was not. But I do understand that you were probably trying to numb the pain of a break up by getting with someone else too quickly. Clearly you do love your ex. So, please keep a respectful distance from this co-worker. You are in no place to date. Make sure you successfully get over your ex, if that is what you want to do. And allow months to go by. Find yourself. Feel good by yourself. When you are ready, you can date again. But you are not ready. How do I know? Easy. Telling your ex girlfriend you STILL LOVE HER.
I do believe some of the responsibility is on your co-worker. She should have been more careful in forming any attachments to you. Now she is paying the price. And she needs to stay away from you. Because you are in love with your ex girlfriend. And maybe she does not want to be used for sex or an ego boost while you lick your wounds. Figure out what you want from your ex. If you want that relationship back, then talk to her about it. Make sure everything is resolved between you. Because it looks like you or her or both of you are not over each other yet.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2021):
 It was wrong to LIE.
And I'm not sure you would NOT have lied if she has said YES to dating. Seems a little like you wanted your cake (the new girl) and eat it too (the EX for ego boosts).
There was NO reason for you to lie. And IF you will lie about that... What else will you lie about?
You don't tell someone you are no longer in a relationship with (an ex) that you LOVE them while courting someone else. That is fucked up!
You tried to jump into a relationship WAY too fast. It was only a month earlier that you broke up with the EX. You were NOT over the EX.
You were basically hedging your bets by keeping your EX around and keeping her sweet with meaningless sweet nothings. BE HONEST.
As for is it OK to talk to an ex while dating other people? I think it can be, as long as the conversations are not romantic in nature - 100% platonic. And IF your new partner feels uncomfortable with you talking to an EX, you will have to decide if you NEED to keep the EX around or not.
For the most part, there is NO real reason to keep EXES around. They are an EX for a reason. You know this.
How would YOU feel if someone you are HOPING to date as in BF/GF and she is still telling HER EX that she loves him? She talks and texts him all the time? I bet... if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't be very keen on that.
With all that said... HAVE a passcode on your phone. NO girl you are dating for a few months has ANY right to go through your phone. NONE.
Apologize to the girl at work for LYING and accept that you messed this one up.
Though... you might have also have dodged a bullet... WHO the F goes through a person you have been seeing for a couple of month's phone?
Definitely LEARN from this. Don't lie. It will come back and bite you in the ass.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 May 2021):
 I think that the beginnings of any relationship will not work if either one of you was still in contact with an ex and sending them i love you's.
For what ever reason the girl at work wants to refrain from becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe that could be because you both work together and she needs to keep it on a professional capacity. But i assume you are both seeing each other and doing stuff outside of work?.
I think that you were wrong lying to her about talking to your ex, and i think you should have been upfront about it. By doing this you have now brought in an element of distrust, and she is going to be on her guard and on the look out for subsequent interactions with your ex.
I assume that she went through your phone to obtain this information?. i think this is totally wrong as well, she was obviously having trust issues for her to do this.
Unless you have kids with your ex, or another obligation to keep contact with her i would refrain from doing so.
By keeping in contact with her and still telling her you love her, this is going to present difficulities for all future relationship.
If you want to move on and have happy healthy relationships it would be best to cut contact with your ex and move on.
...............................
|
