A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:How do you cope with the feelings of not letting go? My ex and I broke up almost 3 1/2 years ago. However, we were together 6 years. I've had ups and downs over these 3.5 years. I never felt like I had closure from the relationship end. (He did the breaking up"). I have since moved on to another relationship of almost 2 years now (we currently live together). It is a healthy relationship compared my previous one. However, I STILL have very detailed dreams about my ex. He also moved on with a new partner. I shouldn't but I do "creep" on them a lot on social media. Also, I have mutual friends with his current partner. We do not live in the same city FYI, so Ive never seen them in person. But, what struggles me the most is that my ex seems to be a completely changed person who treats his current GF the opposite of how he treated our relationship. This is what bothers me the most. I can't seem to get over the fact that he is doing everything I wanted him to with someone else, and recently I've been feeling like if given the chance, I would be in that old relationship again, which is crazy because I was miserable in my old relationship, AND I love my current BF a lot. I feel horrible that I feel this way. Its been long enough, I feel like I should be over this by now. So my question is, how do you get over your ex being who you wanted with someone else?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2021): OP,
Try to see if this difficulty to 'let go' is not coming from something most fundamental about your own quintessential identity that your whole being is urging you to realize from these ten years of heavily invested precious time.
I believe that closure is something that our human brain is fully equipped to find on its own. It's a couple of relationships where, when you're wide awake you still feel like you're tossing and turning restlessly in bed and are kicking yourself because your mind is not at peace, 'closure' comes through as this 'Aha!' moment.
Be wary of becoming obsessed with 'letting go'. Instead, focus on connecting with yourself, on achieving the... 'learning' that your whole being is urging you towards that has to do with this past relationship, which obviously has been quite significant for you.
Of course, the purpose of this 'learning' is to subsequently benefit your current relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): It is so hard to let go. Especially if you had feelings of inadequacy or he treated you badly so you never felt enough. Don’t blame yourself for having feelings, things take time, sometimes a lot of time, and it is very brave of you to have come on here to just tell others ‘to air’ your heart like this. In a way the fact that he ended it (and not you) means that it wasn’t going to work for at least one side of the relationship, and therefore neither, although i appreciate that sometimes people are fickle and toss each other to the kerb before they think there partner will, so only you know the details here.Social media is a pile of confusing nonsense most of the time; like Honeypie said- people only put on there what they want you to see. Sometimes the more praise is given, the more someone is going on and on about someone they are with, actually the less is really happening or they are trying to overcompensate for something that they know is missing. It’s not very good that you are looking him up, trying to examine his life when you have both ended it, not because you’re not allowed to be curious, but because you cannot hide from yourself and it explains something of the state of your heart.Only YOU know if you are serious about the current person you are with, and believe it or not, i DO believe that you love him. Love comes in many forms, just as we have many friends from different walks of live with whom we can share things with differently, so what makes this man amazing is likely to have some overlap but be very different to what made your previous partner amazing etc. In fact, the way you write, he did not seem that great anyway, but i agree with the other poster on here that said you wanted to make it work, so naturally it was very frustrating that you couldn’t, maybe you felt like a failure perhaps, but it wasn’t really ‘you’ in your lack of partner quality, maybe you just had too little in common or he simply wasn’t prepared to do his bit, in his role as a partner. There are a lot of takers out there- which you only see once the relationship has fallen flat.I once had a boyfriend who had a Polish partner before me. He wasn’t over her but I didn’t recognise at first. He used to bad mouth her in one sentence and say how fantastic i was, then sure enough later on encourage me to be more as she was, though it took a while to spot what he was doing. After I had found this out I was admittedly shattered because i had dated guys but it was this one i had invested in for the long haul. There was a small amount of time where I felt so inadequate and downtrodden that I actually tried to embrace being what i thought he wanted, it was madness, i became a stranger to myself! Then I realised that HE had the problems, HE had been the one who wasn’t straight with me and had unresolved issues of his own. Now, this ex had cheated on him and done things that were gross with half his work colleagues, but it didn’t stop him from acting as if he wanted her back, even if he denied it! I was soon rid of him, in fact I sent him in her direction saying maybe they would be just the thing for each other.. I couldn’t of competed with her because we are totally different, I am half Spanish for one, and I was doing myself a great disservice trying to be ‘like her’ when I didn’t even respect her anyway and was throwing away my own good points.Basically, if I was you, in private I would compile two lists. Burn or get rid of them when you are done. One of your ex’s good and bad points, and one list of your current partner’s good and bad points. Then think carefully, and you might see that what you favour with your ex is mostly emotive driven. Well as great as feelings can be, they won’t keep you company in a crisis, or love you through hard and dark times, and they won’t help pay the bills or be faithful either. Feelings come and go, but if this new man is your best friend and you say you do love him, I think the ‘holes’ that you describe in this relationship, come only from you, and not because this newer person is not necessarily suited to you. I think many people could potentially be with other people successfully, there is just too much unresolved hurt going round, people who are wallowing and of course people who choose to be ‘takers’, selfish, rather than putting in what takes a successful relationship.Part of growing up, someone here said, is self control. Yes it is, but it’s ALSO looking at realistically what has potential, what can work, and what can’t or won’t. You could have all the self control in the world, but if you are waiting on the wrong thing then that’s no good either, or trying to fool yourself, again no. Don’t throw away your current relationship because of these emotional problems. Yes, it is debatable as to whether or not you should have entered into another relationship while still not over your ex, but then people here have to forgive you for that, it is HUMAN to want to move on, seek comfort, and you probably (i am guessing here) didn’t think it would be so much of a problem when you first started seeing the new guy. Don’t do anything hasty, seek out your new partner’s good points on a daily basis. What do you see yourself doing in the future? Does he fit into this? If he’s just a companion, fair enough, maybe you shouldn’t be with him if he thinks you are willing to give him more, but if the problem is just in your head ad you do want to focus on him? You have to be careful here. I don’t know whether your ex would have fit into your future, realistically anyway, and chances are he will break up with his new partner when the honeymooning wheels fall off, or else she is just willing to accept his rubbish… so what does that make her? All the best to you. Just don’t hurt your current boyfriend because of something totally unrelated to him. Life is not a comparison exercise, part of comparing is natural, but weighing up what means most verses what we cannot do without is important. I could say the grass is not always greener and all that, but to me it sounds like an issue where you need to remind your brain that the previous guy was no good for you, like you forgot because you temporarily sometimes get a rush of remembering how good it COULD be with the ex. But a relationship in its whole is not just good sex or a laugh or sharing of responsibly etc, it’s a whole bundle of things, a huge piece of that being how much you are both willing to bend and help one-another in order to make each other happy and successful in your life’s pursuits. Don’t waste your time downgrading yourself because of a few blips of pleasure. And by the way, romance is not the same for any two couples as I’m sure you know, so you could have been swept away by this ex whereas his current partner doesn’t think he’s that great, who knows… If you are amazing in the eyes of your new partner then that’s a lot to get rid of for some pining…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): It is so hard to let go. Especially if you had feelings of inadequacy or he treated you badly so you never felt enough. Don’t blame yourself for having feelings, things take time, sometimes a lot of time, and it is very brave of you to have come on here to just tell others ‘to air’ your heart like this. In a way the fact that he ended it (and not you) means that it wasn’t going to work for at least one side of the relationship, and therefore neither, although i appreciate that sometimes people are fickle and toss each other to the kerb before they think there partner will, so only you know the details here.Social media is a pile of confusing nonsense most of the time; like Honeypie said- people only put on there what they want you to see. Sometimes the more praise is given, the more someone is going on and on about someone they are with, actually the less is really happening or they are trying to overcompensate for something that they know is missing. It’s not very good that you are looking him up, trying to examine his life when you have both ended it, not because you’re not allowed to be curious, but because you cannot hide from yourself and it explains something of the state of your heart.Only YOU know if you are serious about the current person you are with, and believe it or not, i DO believe that you love him. Love comes in many forms, just as we have many friends from different walks of live with whom we can share things with differently, so what makes this man amazing is likely to have some overlap but be very different to what made your previous partner amazing etc. In fact, the way you write, he did not seem that great anyway, but i agree with the other poster on here that said you wanted to make it work, so naturally it was very frustrating that you couldn’t, maybe you felt like a failure perhaps, but it wasn’t really ‘you’ in your lack of partner quality, maybe you just had too little in common or he simply wasn’t prepared to do his bit, in his role as a partner. There are a lot of takers out there- which you only see once the relationship has fallen flat.I once had a boyfriend who had a Polish partner before me. He wasn’t over her but I didn’t recognise at first. He used to bad mouth her in one sentence and say how fantastic i was, then sure enough later on encourage me to be more as she was, though it took a while to spot what he was doing. After I had found this out I was admittedly shattered because i had dated guys but it was this one i had invested in for the long haul. There was a small amount of time where I felt so inadequate and downtrodden that I actually tried to embrace being what i thought he wanted, it was madness, i became a stranger to myself! Then I realised that HE had the problems, HE had been the one who wasn’t straight with me and had unresolved issues of his own. Now, this ex had cheated on him and done things that were gross with half his work colleagues, but it didn’t stop him from acting as if he wanted her back, even if he denied it! I was soon rid of him, in fact I sent him in her direction saying maybe they would be just the thing for each other.. I couldn’t of competed with her because we are totally different, I am half Spanish for one, and I was doing myself a great disservice trying to be ‘like her’ when I didn’t even respect her anyway and was throwing away my own good points.Basically, if I was you, in private I would compile two lists. Burn or get rid of them when you are done. One of your ex’s good and bad points, and one list of your current partner’s good and bad points. Then think carefully, and you might see that what you favour with your ex is mostly emotive driven. Well as great as feelings can be, they won’t keep you company in a crisis, or love you through hard and dark times, and they won’t help pay the bills or be faithful either. Feelings come and go, but if this new man is your best friend and you say you do love him, I think the ‘holes’ that you describe in this relationship, come only from you, and not because this newer person is not necessarily suited to you. I think many people could potentially be with other people successfully, there is just too much unresolved hurt going round, people who are wallowing and of course people who choose to be ‘takers’, selfish, rather than putting in what takes a successful relationship.Part of growing up, someone here said, is self control. Yes it is, but it’s ALSO looking at realistically what has potential, what can work, and what can’t or won’t. You could have all the self control in the world, but if you are waiting on the wrong thing then that’s no good either, or trying to fool yourself, again no. Don’t throw away your current relationship because of these emotional problems. Yes, it is debatable as to whether or not you should have entered into another relationship while still not over your ex, but then people here have to forgive you for that, it is HUMAN to want to move on, seek comfort, and you probably (i am guessing here) didn’t think it would be so much of a problem when you first started seeing the new guy. Don’t do anything hasty, seek out your new partner’s good points on a daily basis. What do you see yourself doing in the future? Does he fit into this? If he’s just a companion, fair enough, maybe you shouldn’t be with him if he thinks you are willing to give him more, but if the problem is just in your head ad you do want to focus on him? You have to be careful here. I don’t know whether your ex would have fit into your future, realistically anyway, and chances are he will break up with his new partner when the honeymooning wheels fall off, or else she is just willing to accept his rubbish… so what does that make her? All the best to you. Just don’t hurt your current boyfriend because of something totally unrelated to him. Life is not a comparison exercise, part of comparing is natural, but weighing up what means most verses what we cannot do without is important. I could say the grass is not always greener and all that, but to me it sounds like an issue where you need to remind your brain that the previous guy was no good for you, like you forgot because you temporarily sometimes get a rush of remembering how good it COULD be with the ex. But a relationship in its whole is not just good sex or a laugh or sharing of responsibly etc, it’s a whole bundle of things, a huge piece of that being how much you are both willing to bend and help one-another in order to make each other happy and successful in your life’s pursuits. Don’t waste your time downgrading yourself because of a few blips of pleasure. And by the way, romance is not the same for any two couples as I’m sure you know, so you could have been swept away by this ex whereas his current partner doesn’t think he’s that great, who knows… If you are amazing in the eyes of your new partner then that’s a lot to get rid of for some pining…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2021): I really meant to say:
"You wouldn't have time to pine, if your mind was on your current boo!"
"He has found somebody else; but that doesn't really have as much to do with you as you may want it to."
"People are always happier on the surface; than they are behind the scenes. Not meaning he's still pining for you, or has any regrets."
P.S.
***He may have cared for you in the past; but time and changes into the present have an altering-effect, causing his old-feelings to fade. Showing-off how happy he is could also be purely for your benefit; if he knows you're still following/stalking him online.***
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): " I shouldn't but I do "creep" on them a lot on social media."
Pour salt on your wounds much?
Letting-go of the past is one of the hardest things we human beings ever have to do. Even those of us who have successfully moved-on can still carry some residue; or reminisce on the past. It's when we dwell on our pasts too long, that it takes residence up in our skulls. Living rent-free; and decides to become a squatter. It's a bad tenant, and you can only evict that ex; when you decide you're tired of him having control over your feelings, and monopolizing your thoughts and memories.
You're stubborn, angry, and resentful. That makes it even harder. You feel like a failure over that lost relationship; when the truth is, it just wasn't meant to be. It offends your pride; and you're indignant at the thought he accepts her...but not you! How dare he!!! You take issue, because you couldn't force it to work; but throw shade on the person he found who could make it work. It's none of your business. If you were doing right by your present boyfriend; there would be no room, or spare-time, in your heart for anybody but him.
You/we may not stop loving people from your/our past; but there is a mechanism called "self-control." That is used to purge or store away anyone (or anything) that we no longer wish to bother us; or no longer desire to remain a part of our lives. We take control over our feelings, actions, and thoughts; and redirect our energies towards the postive and more productive areas of our lives and existence. Pining for exes is nonproductive, self-destructive, stubborn, and entitled. You want what you want; even if he doesn't want you back! That's entitled, girlfriend!
You spy and stalk them online. You know it's wrong, then turnaround and wonder why you can't move on??? You keep refreshing your memory!!!
You're jealous, because he has changed; but he was at his worse when you had him...or the otherway around. That's because he wasn't meant for you; but you put your hooks in him, and decided not to let-go when it wasn't working. Your stubbornness is stronger than your common sense; because you are trapped in the past. Yet you claim you love your present boyfriend; while maybe that's not entirely true. He's just a stand-in, somebody to fill the void; while you pine and stalk your ex. You cheat on him emotionally; and you're so attached to your past and resentment; your current relationship is not real. You don't want to be physically alone; so you've taken emotional-captive of someone who cares for you. You're being a parasite; feeding on his affections for you, pretending to care for him. All you care about is your ex; and you can't stay out of his business. You are consumed by your jealousy for what he presumably has with his new girlfriend; until you are depriving your own relationship of oxygen. You will eventually stifle your own relationship to death!
Beware! Your mate can sense when you're distracted; he has at some time or another asked. Wondering what's bothering you? He has noticed the disconnection; and he may have even found your search history tracking and stalking your ex-boyfriend. He may be sympathetic and doing his best to help you forget; but divine intervention will alert him sooner or later that you're still caught-up on your ex. He will be taken from you; to find someone who gives him their 100%! He deserves better; and not the scraps and crumbs leftover from an ex you won't let-go off.
Yes, my response is tough...maybe harsh. It's to penetrate your feelings. If you've held-on for this long; you still love your ex, and your present relationship is only a pretense or substitute. Maybe you just need somebody...anybody...not to be alone; but your feelings aren't properly focused on him. They're focused on your ex! You would have time to pine if your mind was on your current boo.
You don't really want to cope with the loss of your ex; you want him back! You're jealous, because he's happier elsewhere. You haven't dealt with why he's now an ex. He doesn't want to be with you. He was not happy being with you. He has found somebody else; but that doesn't really have as much to do with you and you want it to be. He has moved on. What you see online isn't always the whole story. People are always happier one the surface; than they are behind the scenes. Not meaning he's still pining for you, or have any regrets. People like to showoff to get attention; but he didn't reverse his decision to leave you. That is what you must come to terms with.
You have your closure. He's with somebody else! If that ain't closure, what is?
Let-go, sweetheart! It's hard to defy or resist the urge and temptation to spy on an ex! We've all done it shortly after a breakup. There's something wrong, when you're still doing that years down the road; and still grieving over it. Sucking the life out of the relationship you have at the present. I guarantee he knows you're not completely focused on him; and if you notice him suddenly becoming distant. You're busted!
Now give all this some thought. Stop spying on your ex! Use some self-control. Focus your love and attention on the present guy. Your ex does not love you; and your jealousy is toxic to your present relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2021):
 You are projecting, OP.
You look at their social media and think THAT is reality. It's not.
People don't post when their BF is shitty (unless they want sympathy) they tend to post these curated and narrated happy idyllic things that are not quite the reality and they don't add the bad in with the good they post.
People want to look good on social media. They want to look happy, they want to look like they have their shit together. I know many people who live absolutely shitty and sad lives but if you look at FB you would think things are great! (one being a niece who is dating a guy who has put her in the hospital 3 times - and she is STILL going back to him, she post ALL these lovey-dovey stuff about "her man" - she post about the kids that were taken away from her - like she is the mom of the year....)
What I'm trying to say is - YOU can not look at social media in think "OH so that is how they are together."
Maybe some of the things you told him you wanted from him he is FINALLY trying. Maybe he grew up a little.
I'd suggest you GO cold turkey on their social media. STOP checking up on them.
You don't need some EX to "give" you closure. The closure is there because the relationship wasn't good and healthy and it ended - THAT is your closure.
Focus on your current relationship. Be the best partner you can be.
Don't try and CHANGE other people into some idealized version of how YOU think a guy should be. Enjoy your partner. Treat him well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): I don't know if this is a universal truth, or just something that makes sense to me...Letting go is an ACTION, not an adjective. It's active, not passive. You are not going to wake up one morning and realize that you are somehow different and that then you can let go. You need to DO the letting go. And from what I read, you're doing the opposite. You are feeding your obsession by stalking him. He treated you badly and he dumped you. My question is, why was he the one to leave when he treated you badly? Why did you put up with it? Why didn't you leave him?I really hope that you:1. are in a healthy relationship now2. know how to recognize what healthy relationship is and cherish itWhen we get stuck in a certain place, it's because we still have some unresolved issues. Your ex is just a symbol of whatever issue you might have. Low self-worth, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors...Letting go, among other things means working on your issues. It also means acting like an adult and NOT acting on your impulses. We are what we practice every day. If you keep giving in that's what you'll be doing. If you start practicing letting go, you'll let go in the end. You were a part of his learning curve. He learned to behave better, that's all there is.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (13 May 2021):
 I think that after a break up we should never move onto another relationship until the past is completely behind us, and we are at one with ourselves.
I think that starting a new relationship with someone else while your still hanging on to a past relationship and what they are doing is not only unhealthy for you, but not fair on the person you are in a new relationship with.
You say you love your current boyfriend a lot?. Then you say you would be in the old relationship given the chance. I'm sorry OP, those two statements are very contradictive indeed.
I don't think you are ready to be in this new relationship, and you may think that you love him,but i don't think you do.
If you truly love someone you are for them, and only them, they are on your mind all the time. How can you love him when your mind is still with your ex and what he is doing with his new partner.
I think you need to go back to square one and give yourself time to get over your ex.
How do you get over an ex who you wanted with someone else?. Only you can do this op.
For starters you are not ready to be in this new relationship. You need to get over your ex in your own time. Deleting him from social media and everything else you have him on might be a good start.
The emotions that you felt when you were unhappy with him, hold on to these emotions when you think about him and how unhappy you felt.
When you feel you are 100% free of the past will yo be ready to enter into a new healthy relationship.
The greatest love that we can ever have is the love with have for ourselves, for when we are free of the past, and love ourselves are we ready to embark on new relationships. n
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