A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf wants to know everything about me and wants no secrets between us. If I tell him something is a secret like what I did last weekend he pressures me to tell him what it is. Is it okay to not share everything in a relationship? seeing him for 3 years now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Why would you wanna keep a secret as to what you've done last week? Is it so extraordinary, so damning of your relationship that you fear being dumped? What difference does it make if you keep a secret about the cheese sandwich versus fattening mayo kind? Or is your secret about orgies and wild orals?
Why would you be pressured to explain what were the mundane things you've done last week?
In other words, you tell us the secret that you are hiding and we will tell you if such secret is to hide or tell?
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (9 April 2015):
I think the more important question is why you want to keep secret what you did last weekend. The very reason why you say it's a secret makes it seem as though you did something inappropriate or damaging to the relationship - cheated, hung out with an ex, etc. It is pretty normal to want to know why your SO was up to. As long as he wasn't asking for a minute by minute itinerary and summary of every conversation and person you interacted with. But just asking, what did you do this weekend? Or did anything interesting happen this weekend? That is normal friend conversation and more than normal SO conversation. Most people in relationships want to share about their life and why they do, so what is it that is holding you back?
I think the only two types of secrets that I would be okay with and that I would keep are: surprises for my husband since they are only temporary secrets and they are nice. Secondly, secrets that a friend tells me, that they request I keep from my husband, as long as it is not inappropriate or damaging to our relationship. For example, if a friend told me they are interested in me and told me to keep it from my husband I would say no and have to tell him. On the other hand, if they told me they were fired, gay, suicidal, broke up, had fertility issues, etc. anything that is none of my husbands business, then I would keep it secret since it is not my secret to give away.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I've been married for 27 years. If my ex-girlfriend stops in at my office to talk with her relatives by marriage who work here, I tell my wife that day. If I get a private message here on cupid from a woman looking for advice, I tell my wife that day. If my Boss' wife buys me lunch, I tell my wife. If there is something, or anything, that might look suspicious to anyone, I tell my wife first. Yes, she thinks it's silly sometimes. You could say that I'm protecting myself, I prefer to think of it as protecting the relationship.
There are two things that are keeping your relationship from it's full potential. You value privacy more than intimacy. And, You still think it's o k to do things that you don't dare tell him about.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I agree with SVC
There is privacy and then there is secrecy.
If you were planning his birthday over the week-end and don't want to tell him because it's a surprise, I can understand a secret. But if you did something you KNOW would ruin the relationship, LIKE cheating or meeting up with an ex then it's more like omitting the TRUTH to save your skin, rather than wanting your privacy.
Is there a reason you can't/won't share?
Or are you trying to be "mysterious" about your week-end?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Well quite honestly if after 3 years you can't tell him what you did over a weekend, then maybe there is an issue.
I don't have to tell my husband who I had lunch with or where I ate but if he asks I will.
"what did you do this weekend?" is a common question among friends and co-workers... to not be able to tell your SO what you did over a weekend seems to me that you are hiding something.
There is privacy and then there is secrecy...two different things.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Keeping secrets is natural and really I think it goes on a person by person basis. It also depends on what information he wants. For example say my other half went out with friends somewhere. I would probably ask what she got up to but I wouldn't demand to be told everything she talked about. There have to be some personal boundaries even for couples. The other thing is if you are in a relationship, why would you not want to tell him what you've been doing?
Advice in this area is difficult but in my personal experience I think it is good to share but you shouldn't feel pressured to recount everything you have been doing while you haven't been together, or else you might as well both be keeping day planners and simply exchanging them at night... :-S
...............................
|
