A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a situation with my boyfriend and I am completely lost as to what to do....My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 6 years. I am 34 years old and he is 36. He is the second boyfriend I have ever had as I was in a relationship for 13 years previously (a long time I know). That was a terrible relationship (he became a drug addict 8 years into the relationship) and I spent a great deal of time just taking care of him and trying to save him. When I met my current boyfriend, I just wanted a good man, and that he is, so I jumped at the opportunity to be with him when he confessed his feelings for me. He is really great-- attentive, generous, confident, hard-working, funny and kind. Problem here is that he is overweight and has erectile dysfunction (his erections are not strong enough for penetration) and so, we have never had sexual intercourse.I found this out about 8 month into the relationship and by then I had already loved him. I have had to have the talk with him about the situation many times, and many times over he just admits that he needs to do something about it, but never does. I keep holding on, trying to help, suggesting we work out together (I am about 30 pounds overweight), cooking healthy meals when he is over (usually on the weekends) but he has taken no action on his own and complains often when I have suggested such things.I want children and I want to conceive in a normal way! I miss sex! I try not to take things personally, but he never compliments me or tries to be intimate with me (with exception of when he would like to receive oral sex) and it is starting to affect me. I feel ugly and undesirable. He seems almost at ease with the situation in a weird way. I know it's not me, but I want to scream sometimes "WHY ARE YOU NOT MOTIVATED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?!" I hate bringing it up to him because he is a very hard worker, working almost 12-14 hours 5-6 days a week. I understand that losing weight is difficult and that it is probably the last thing that he wants to do at the end of a long work day, but he is not trying at all and I do not want to be his nutritionist or his babysitter and I can feel myself starting to resent the fact that he is not making efforts. I do not want to be angry or resentful with him, he is such a wonderful person.He asked me to marry him two years ago on Christmas Eve. At first I accepted, but then I had to tell him a day later that I just couldn't, not with the way things were...it would be like sweeping the giant elephant in the room under the rug. I love him, but not connecting intimately has prevented me from being in-love with him. Sometimes I just feel like very very close friends. I have tried to do that right thing, staying faithful and by his side, but reality is that I am feeling pretty hopeless. The thought of leaving him and telling him to work on himself has crossed my mind, but it brings me to tears every time. The only thing that comforts me about the thought of leaving him is the possibility of hope...hope that he will get it together or hope that I might find love somewhere else.
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christmas, conceive, erection, oral sex, overweight, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): HiThe one sentence that struck me in your story was that he never tries to be intimate with you unless HE wants something i.e. oral sex. So his gratification is important to him, but he doesn't care about yours. He doesn't seem to care about your needs, only his own. This, to me, makes the rest of the relationship problems irrelevant as being in a relationship where your needs are considered unimportant will never work. You say that this situation makes you feel ugly and undesirable. Perfectly normal reaction to what is going on here. He makes no effort to try to make you feel loved and desirable and special to him. Just the opposite in fact.I have read on here a story about a couple who no longer have sex because of health problems, but she said that she still felt loved and her husband was intimate with her in different ways. This is a relationship. It sounds to me as if what you're involved in, isn't. My advice would be to leave and find someone who is not as selfish as this man. This relationship is not making you happy. You know the answer really as you quickly retracted the acceptance of his proposal. Unless he changes, and it really doesn't sound like he's going to, don't waste any more of your precious time.Good luck
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Hope is not a strategy to solve your situation. You have 3 choices here:(1) marry him and live in a sexless marriage (2) get a commitment from him to loose lot of weight and seek medical help for his etrctile dysfunction or (3) walk away and seek happiness elsewhere while your age allows you. He will never be able to get an erection until he looses lot of weight, gets lot of excercise to raise his testosterone and nitric oxide levels so that he could have an erection. Being in his 30s, all of this will get worse as he gets older. You could get him to seek medical help with weight, hormones and erection but the issue is whether he wants to. Some fat men simply give up and become believers in their own defeat. Is he one of them? Despite his handicap, you could have his children by way of medically induced insemination. Yet still, if he is unwilling to change then you will remain in sexless marriage. Is that something you can live with? Are you willing to commit to a man that wants no change, who is happy in his own defeat but is compensating by being overly nice? Are you capable growing old without ever having an orgasm? I wouldn't be able to but I am not you. It is very hard, but you have to decide because none of us here can do that for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I can't imagine staying in a relationship for 6 years with a guy, JUST because he is a good guy. To me that sounds like a FRIENDSHIP not a relationship.
You are 34, so the window of fertility and healthy pregnancy is tiny. Have you even TALKED kids with him? Because if he is so overweight that he can't have sex... Will he be around for the kid's 5th, 15th, 18th birthday?
It seems to me that he is NOT happy being overweight, but he is so used to it, that he RATHER stay overweight than DO something about it. Like talk to a nutritionist, have blood work done (could be the thyroids are out of whack) could be other causes. Diabetes is LOOMING. And diabetes CAN be deadly if ignored.
All that (above mentioned)YOU CAN NOT fix for him. HE has to DO this for him.
You need to decide what you WANT a friend or a BF? Because this guy is more in the "friends" category then BF.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2015):
 YOu can't control him. You can't motivate him.
Yes it's possible that if you leave it will be his breaking point and he will fix his problem...
if the ONLY problem was lack of penetrative sex I would not encourage you to leave.
But you say that the only time he's interested in affection or sexual intimacy is when he wants a blow job... unless he is reciprocating attention to you for YOUR sexual gratification he is being selfish and inconsiderate.
You say you want to conceive a child "normally" be careful you may find you need IVF or something even if you are having penetrative sex.
What you want is a man who is an equal partner and unselfish lover. He is not that man.
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