A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have had a rough few years and have abstained from the dating scene during this period in part because of a breakup that took me a long time to get over.My life currently doesn't allow me to meet new people often so I decided to try online dating. I've not actually really dated before and certainly not online so I would appreciate some advice in my current situation.After no luck for a fair while I had 2 women message me on the same day. I have been chatting to them both for nearly 2 weeks but obviously we haven't been able to meet yet. I just had a Skype call with one of them tonight and it went quite well but I am still interested in the second and I would like to talk to her in person too as they both seem to have great, and yet contrasting, qualities.I am not under the illusion that it is as simple as having a choice as I know most dates don't work out. But it doesn't feel right talking to them both at the same and yet I feel stopping talking to one before even having met either of them in person seems silly.What is the etiquette for online dating with regards to talking to two people at once? Should I remain talking to them both until I meet them in person or should I be making a choice at this early stage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2020): In an ideal-world, we would all be fair; and we would make sure that we didn't monopolize the attention of two people simultaneously for the purpose of deciding which one you like the best. Like taste-testing cookies, or taking the Pepsi/Coke challenge! While they could otherwise be continuing their search elsewhere; talking to someone more focused and interested in her. Decisiveness is a good quality to look for in a person.
Women are already weary of guys doing exactly what you're doing. In principle, it's unflattering to females. They hate being compared, and if you slip and call one by the wrong name; she will know she is dealing with a self-centered "it's-all-about-me" online jerk!
As usual, the greed-factor kicks-in; and you can't make up your mind. It turns out they run neck to neck; because both women have great qualities. Then you want to hold-on to them just a little longer; and then weeks go-by, and you're still juggling between the two. The little devil on your shoulder will tempt you to date them both. Why not? As long as one never finds-out about the other!
If we didn't live in a culture that is so self-centered and entitled; I'd say it's fine speaking to two people and weighing your options. The only thing is, women do tend to get somewhat attached over-time; and you will have to reject the one who doesn't measure-up to your standards. Then you'll be hesitant to hurt her feelings; after you've come to know her somewhat, and she has done everything she possibly can to make a good impression on someone she thought likes her. In order to keep her attention, you have to give her signals to let her know you're worth her time and attention.
Well, when you're playing that game between two people, you're wasting somebody's time. You know you can't date them both at the same-time. Again, that's the "player's-mentality." Players weren't born players, somehow it happened to them. What kind of scenario do you think it takes to make a guy a player? How about talking to two or more females at once and finding something he likes in each of them?
I stick by my advice. Let one go now! You can always go back and checkout the other lady if nothing comes of the first. I know something about human nature, and people tend to be selfish; they don't consider the feelings of others, they are more concerned about getting what THEY want.
Ask either of them would they talk to more than one person at a time on the dating site, or what would they do if they knew a guy was doing that? I bet you'd get an ear-full!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2020): I completely agree with your update and you seem to know your own mind about how you want to do this. You are upfront and honest and not wanting to lead anybody on, so I don't see a problem at all. As you say, this is the way dating seems to be going now. It came from America I think, where exclusivity is some stage in dating whereas in my day, it was from the outset! BUT if you haven't met them yet, you cant possibly know which one, if either, is right for you, so carry on doing what you're doing and enjoy! As long as your honest and let's hope the women you're meeting are going to be honest too!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2020):
 Thanks for the update, OP
And while the coworker analogy makes sense... there is a HUGE difference is making new "friends" with coworkers and looking for a partner in life - but as you said, it's too soon to decide on exclusivity because you haven't met in person. Who knows one of them might be easy to talk to over the phone/app/email but in person there is just no connection.
Now if BOTH are a "zing" when you meet them, THEN it will start to muddy the waters, because then you have to determine which of the two of them either had the "biggest zing" with you or perhaps more logically who can you "zing" with but also mesh with.
I hope you stay safe and this lock-down and nasty virus will be over soon so you (and everyone else) can go back to living life. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 May 2020):
 You are not actually dating either of these ladies yet. You are simply talking with a view to dating. I can see no harm in talking to more than one woman. After all, you wouldn't feel guilty about having more than one friend at a time.
If asked, you should be honest and say that, as you are not dating anyone at the moment, you are talking to a couple of ladies and leave it at that. Equally though, you need to accept if either, or both, of these ladies are talking to more men than just you.
Once you start dating, the game changes, unless you are all ok with not being exclusive. I think honesty is the key here.
Good luck. I hope one of these ladies turns out to be right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thanks for the replies. I appreciate your comments. Just to reiterate I definitely do not intend on chatting to two people for any long period of time. However, It almost seems presumptuous at this stage to assume exclusivity from one person and I actually feel it would come across as a little creepy to suggest it without having ever met with that person. It just seems almost a bit counterproductive to cut one person out (who could turn out to be the right person) so early on without meeting them in real life. These are obviously strange times so it makes it tougher but I do already feel uncomfortable talking to two people but go be honest, I think that if I were to say to someone I am talking to them exclusively it might freak them out. I am definitely not one to talk to more than one person in the real world of dating but it seems so early to be cutting people off completely. Almost like talking to 2 people at work but then saying to someone 'i can't talk to you anymore because I'm talking to so and so from another department'. Don't think I like this new way of dating but it seems it's the way things are going :)
Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2020):
 I frequently advise young people to date many people at once. That is because at that age they are not considering marriage, just social (non sexual) dating. You are twice that age. but the truth is when I was 16 I couldn't date more than one at a time. It just isn't me. I can't get emotionally invested in multiple partners.
In your situation. you should probably have a conversation about being exclusive as soon as you want to make that commitment. Before that you should make it no secret that you aren't exclusive and you don't expect exclusivity. Some people we be upset about that, if they are then it is a good time to talk about being exclusive.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 May 2020):
If you are looking for long term relationship...which leads to marriage...Then choose the personality that you can see yourself with 5 years from now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): One at a time, dude! Don't be greedy!
Let me ask you this. How long would you like to be strung along, while being compared to somebody else? Until the decision is made to just reject you?
Exercise your sense of fairness and respect for the feelings of others; even if they're not aware of what you're doing. That's a matter of good-character.
You're not committed to either of them; but they should be able to pursue better options; if they're going to be played against each other.
It's a player's-mentality to juggle two women at a time. That's the thinking and mindset of a lowlife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2020):
While personally, I think ONE at a time, sometimes you get two. I think it muddies the waters (so to speak) with having too many iron in the fire). But if you can handle it, I'd say keep talking.
I think as long as you keep SEX (sexting, various sexy pics and videos) out of the picture, talking to 2 women is OK. But I do think once you start doing IN person dates and it gets ROMANTIC, you need to either pick and choose OR tell them both that you are talking to another woman.
I think someone dating multiple people and getting romantically involved with them is unfair. So that is why once you move into that area I think you need to choose or let them know.
And it may turn out that they are also talking to more than just you.
So "just" talking to someone online and over the phone doesn't mean you are now exclusive. Once SEX or romance starts, then YES, I hope you have plans to BE exclusive with that one. Actually I think TALKING about exclusivity would be the RIGHT move BEFORE jumping into romance and then sex.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 May 2020):
 You are online dating, you are trying to find a potential partner. To find a potential partner, particularly in online dating it means you will looking at a lot of different profiles, exchanging numbers and chatting and getting to know lots of different people.
Don't feel bad that two women that you like has messaged you at the same time, you are trying to find the one that you like most, and the feeling you get inside, your gut instinct will tell you which one is right for you. If you prefer one more than the other, be honest with the other lady and say you have found another potential suitor and you going to pursue things with her.
Or you might find that neither of these lady's are right for you, in which case be honest with them both and move on.
Just be light hearted about the whole thing, and most importantly have fun with it. I have found in life that sometimes a potential suitor can come along when you least expect it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): If I were you I would carry on talking to them both until you have had the chance to meet them both and then make a choice fairly soon after. Maybe have a couple of meetings with both women and see if one is more interesting to you. Then finish things with the other woman. I would bear in mind also that you may not be the only man they are talking to.
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