A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Let me begin by saying I never had a girlfriend.I met this girl online, and we really hit it off. Im going light on the details but thing is, she wants something more, to bee more than friends and I feel something for her. We know each other short of a month now and I dont know of its right to rush things. We live in different timezones, and I dont know but Im having reservations. I should be happy I found someone, but I just cant make the next step... I cant even publicly say to people that Im seeing her.I really should just go for her and admit what I feel but this relationship its hard work honestly and I dont really know if im ready.Shes great and all but i feel im holding back. Never dated online before so im lost.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (8 May 2020):
The fact you're having doubts is your answer. If you are not overly keen on this r/ship, dont prolong the agony. Also online dating is very different to real life dating. You have not dated her in real life only online. But with the covid situation, meeting up in person isnt safe. However trust your instincts and do what makes you happy. And be respectful of her too. Don't get her hopes up if you don't want the same as her.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (5 May 2020):
 Long distance is hard. Please meet before you even decide be together, 5min in person tells you more about someone than 5 months talking online.
Be logical. Try date locally. Dating should feel easy and effortless
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 May 2020):
 Good sir,
There is a saying..."Easy come, easy go." Which applies to most things in life. The easier you get a relationship, the easier you will lose it.
You said you have never had a girlfriend, so how do you know what is a hard relationship? That's like saying I have never flown jet before. I am flying one now and it's hard work.
Of course it hard when you have no experience. Have applied for a job, and get hired as the CEO? NO....You have to gain experience and WORK your way to a better position, and better understanding of what you are doing.
It does not matter if the girl is next door, or on the other side of the world. Any woman you meet will be hard until you learn how to work with them. And trust me...a wise man will never stop learning. Any man who thinks he knows what women want, and no longer needs to learn will die a lonely man.
My advise...Make sure she is not using you just to get out of her country, or want you to support her financially. As for the rest...learn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): If you live in different time-zones, and you've never had a girlfriend before; man, the last thing on earth you need is a long-distance romance!
If you are somewhere on the autism spectrum, or have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome; you need human-stimulation to learn how to make deeper-relationships. Often this is the reason some people never had a romantic-relationship. Sometimes they never have adequate self-confidence, and are crippled with shyness. Others are just deeply intellectual/creative geeks or nerds; who spend more of their time exercising their brain-muscles, and being smart. Meanwhile, avoiding human-contact; or dealing with social-situations that make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. Building shields around themselves and living in isolation. My earlier high school years! I met lovely people who saved me! I had to challenge myself, and get out of my comfort-zone! Some people are, or think they are, unattractive according to normal and average-standards; but they refuse to settle for anyone as plain as they are. Some nerve!
Different time-zones?!! Dude, seriously?!!
You need the benefit of a one-on-one experience; where you get to know someone as a person. You need the challenge of opening-up yourself to another person in a warm and sensitive-way. You need to utilize your five-senses to establish a meaningful-connection with another living and breathing human-creature. To feel the warmth of her skin, to actually feel her heartbeat against your chest, and to inhale the sweet scent of her hair and perfume. Knowing her so well, you could recognize the natural and unique scent of her skin without perfumes. It's how we bond as creatures of nature. We are not artificial-lifeforms, or robotic-humanoids!
You must learn to communicate on different human-levels. You can read each-other's expressions and finish each-other's sentences. Sense your partner's moods without words! WHERE THE HELL ARE HUMAN BEINGS THESE DAYS??? Enough with trying to make human-connections through devices! Online-romances are not as fulfilling as being with someone! They should be very short-term at best. You should meet and get to know each other; then decide in real-time what attracts you...more than the mere sight (onscreen images) of each-other. Not just a few interesting conversations and having some things in-common. The same connection you could have with your gram ma, or the dude across the hall!!!
What challenge is this virtual-romance to your human-sensitivities, how does it enhance your maturity-level, and fulfill your manly-needs? I really don't know what the hard-work is about? You probably spend a workday working online; then you extend your online-time interfacing with your online-girlfriend! Even a blow-up doll makes more sense to me! Never had one, but I grasp the concept!
You've never had a girlfriend; probably because it takes being a human-guy to get one!!! It takes having natural charm, a personality, a sense of humor, tenderness, willingness to take risks; and putting yourself out there! Developing an immunity to the harmful-effects of rejection; and learning how to survive humanity, and whatever it throws at you! The greatest challenge of a lifetime, is being different; and being able to survive and find success, in spite of all the odds against you. You're not afraid to fail, you keep pressing-on; until you get exactly what you want! I'm a living testimony, that's why I'm with DC. Mostly, I've been there or have done that!
She's demanding what she needs, but you can't send that through a device! We are blood, flesh, and bone. Our psychological/emotional needs are not satisfied through any artificial-means. Words are not enough! Visuals aren't enough! We desire touch and intimacy! Not only sexual, but we require affection! That's what she craves and pines for! What you wish so badly you could offer her! You want and need it too!
Maybe not this time, or this female. Someday, you will find a woman who may become your wife. Then the mother of your children. Ideally, in that order. But, whatever! There is a generation that thinks everything can be handled through a device; but the casualties and shortcomings of this mindset is that they won't develop their interactive-skills, because it's too demanding. If you have NONE!!! You cannot raise children, fulfill anybody's emotional-needs, and conduct your committed-relationships long-distance and online. Not indefinitely! In a romance, contending with time and distance simultaneously is stress and strain on your mental well-being! You need practice in real-time, face-to-face! It's why some children don't really know their parents; and even the strongest of partnerships are fatigued to total exhaustion, or disrepair. Most relationships don't last; because people don't know how to trust, they don't know how to behave around other people, commit, compromise, sacrifice, or they need a device to hide behind; and they have the personality of a stalk of celery!!! All they have are good-looks, or a gym-body! Humans are becoming, bland, stiff, boring, selfish, and empty! Somebody's face or pics you see on the screen of your phone, laptop, or PC. Distance forced between you is one thing; but when you have a choice, choose the convenience and warmth of being close and accessible. Learn how to treat a woman you can be close to. That takes practice, trial, and error. You'll gain true-love, and develop your character. You'll understand the needs of your partner, and know what's within you to fulfill them. Generously, and without pressure; because you love her. Not the idea or image of her!
Enjoy romance, intimacy, closeness, disagreements, and making-up on a human level. You don't know this woman; yet she's pressuring you for a relationship. We know why you're here! You think you like her, but you're not really sure what it is about her...or why? You don't have a clue what to do "with" or "in" a relationship. You suffer from an arrested-development in that area; because you have no practice, or experience. Good-reason for you to find someone closer; to spend time together for the "human-experience." Don't string her along desperately seeking something you cannot offer; because you don't have a clue how to!!! You don't want a "e-romance"...you want something real! So does she, she just doesn't know it yet! You may mess-up a few times, you may outright blow-it; but one-on-one is how you practice at loving and caring for people. It's how to receive the full benefit of being together as a couple. I wouldn't tell you that, unless I've known the experience myself. It feels so good! It can be terrible too! Even that's good, once you've worked it out!
Even if you should carry-on this online-romance for months; if you two don't spend time together, to make it real. You still won't have enjoyed what it feels like to be in a real and natural loving-relationship. You'll be struggling with trying to connect through long-distance, and pretending you have feelings for each-other.
Leave long-distance romance to people with previously well-established/strongly-bonded relationships; and to happily married-people, forced by circumstances to be apart. They already know each other, and the distance is only a temporary-inconvenience. Love is the tie that binds! It can only stretch, or be strained, but so far! For those who have never had relationships; it is a strenuous and desperate-act, in-which you attempt to connect with someone romantically by any means possible. Even if it means making pretend it's real; but two digital-devices are having all the fun! Staring at each-other through screens most of the time, using emojis to express your emotions or feelings. Sexting, instead of enjoying the realness of touch and feeling. Sensually being entwined in each-others arms. It's nice and quite efficient to meet people through dating sites. Just try to stay within close-proximity of your location; so seeing each other is not an event that occurs when you can afford it, or your vacation time-off from work will permit it.
If she's rushing you for a relationship, that's a bad-sign when she doesn't even know you! It shouldn't be "work" to care for somebody. It should be a joy, and something you look forward to each day. It might be a good-idea to let her know, how you really feel about her pressuring you. By the same token, don't string her along feeling forced or obligated to stick with it. The longer you hold her to it; the more attached and frustrated she becomes. It's not fair, and that is a very unkind thing to do to someone.
You don't hold a person in emotional-bondage simply for the entitlement of saying you have a girlfriend! Nothing worthwhile in life is easily obtained; but sometimes you make even the simplest of things complicated when you choose the wrong method.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2020):
 It's probably too soon to tell. You have talked for LESS than a month.
My questions are:
WHAT is the hurry?
WHAT is holding you back?
( you say it's hard work, in what sense?)
(what are your reservations?)
Can you see this going somewhere in REAL LIFE? Because that is the POINT of a relationship, even a LDR one.
To MOVE to, an IN person relationship at some point.
Is it realistic that one of you (or both) would physically MOVE to be with the other person (now this would be down the line maybe 12-18 months after having spend time IN person together enough that you feel confident LIVING together.)
I think we all need a little more to work with here, so OP please give a little more info.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): Hi
Dating online isn't dating. It's talking to someone that you've never met and don't have a hope of getting to know properly until you have spent a lot of time together in person. It is impossible to have any kind of real relationship over a device. You cant touch each other, hug each other, have sex, go out together, learn how she behaves in different situations. In short all you know about her, is how she presents herself to you on a device. How can that be called 'dating?'
And if you're already finding just talking to her over a device hard work, then believe me, this is a waste of time. She even lives a very long way away. What you have at the moment is a friend who is hard work.
Get out and about in your local area. Go to things, join clubs and societies in which you might have an interest. This way you may well meet someone you can communicate with in the flesh and have a PROPER relationship.
Good luck.
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