A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear agonyaunts,I am 27 and most friends my age are either married or in stable relationships. I have had two unsuccessful long-distance relationships and I am seriously trying to find a guy who is a good match and is worth sharing a life with.Looking into the past, I was kind of exclusive and old-fashioned: Even if I was only having coffee dates with a potential guy, I always made myself unavailable to other nice guys. It was a terrible system because most of the time, when I realized that it did not work with the first guy, all the other guys were seeing other girls. And the worst part is, I never really gave myself a chance to find out what type of men I am compatible with.I realized this fact two weeks ago and last week I presented myself at a friend's party. It was not a crazy party. Everyone knew everyone and most of them are graduate students that live simple lives.By the end of the party, two guys asked for my number and later invited me to go on coffee/lunch dates with them. I am not so used to this. I know coffee dates are nothing but I wonder if people find it unethical for a girl to go on dates with more than one guy, especially they both know each other. I know it is possible that it works out with neither of them, but if the casual dates work out, how should I proceed? I am not very physical with my dates but how far should I go before I need to inform the other person that we should only be friends? And should I first with my dates and act attractive or I should just treat them like friends? I will hang out with the same group of people a lot in the future, if more guys in this group ask me out, should I say yes or I should only talk to them in groups?I really do not want to rush into impossible relationships again like what I have been doing in the past, but since I am rather ignorant in this aspect, I really need your advice.Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): There is NOTHING wrong with dating multiple guys at the same time. Having sex with all of them is not a good plan at all. Now, it's going to get hard to do and it will become time consuming, that's for sure, but you should do this to weed out the guys who just aren't what you are looking for. And how better to do this then by going out on dates and getting to know them better? When you get to that point with a guy, that feelings are starting to grow and the sexual attraction is getting stronger and you start thinking about only them and are not putting so much effort into the others, well, THEN it's time to not be available to anyone else and give it a go with the one guy. You will know. You will just feel it. Be honest with guys and make sure you are clear about not getting exclusive with anyone until you are ready. Do not lead anyone on or mislead them into something it isn't. The minute sex enters the dating scene, everything changes, and it will get far too complicated and it will surely backfire. Go have some fun, keep it light and see what happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Seems like you very much think of what guys think of you and act accordingly. Why not do what you want? Why not act how you think you want to act instead of paying this much attention to what guys think?
. Why care who said what? Effortless to date you?! Isit a bad thing? Or isit some silly thought of some thrill chaser? Why on a first place you want to have anyone like that?
You'll meet plenty of guys who would say whatever they want to get what they want. Think of what you want and act accordingly.,
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A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (22 October 2013):
Thank you for your response. I must be (or have been, when I was dating) a very atypical male. It would never even have occurred to me to want to break up with a woman because she made it "effortless" for me to date her (as long as she was not simultaneously also making it similarly "effortless" for multiple other men, as all the women I dated seemed to do). To me, "effortless" monogamy would have been infinitely superior to "the thrill of the chase" that most men are stereotypically supposed to relish (especially when, in my case, there were always two or more other guys engaged in the same chase). I still recall the misery and sleepless nights that I went through dealing with the same situation over and over with each woman who would go out with me, while everywhere I looked around me, I saw single couples who were happily monogamous, where the women did not have any thought at all of dating or being involved with another man -- and I knew that for a fact, because they had no problem turning me down if I indicated an interest in them (just as women who were not involved with anyone else also had no problem in turning me down).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOverlay, to answer your question: it did not work out between me and my past dates because I am kind of loyal and I used to go out with guys who I only have strong feelings for. Problem with this kind of dates are I will not allow my dates work hard to "win" me. I think my understanding of dates are different than most people.I used to believe that as long as I agree to chat with a man a lot and always get dinner/lunch with him, I was ready to date him exclusively. For guys who I did not like initially, I did not want to send the wrong signal and make them think that they have a shot. However, as I grew older, I realized that was not most people were doing, at least not when they were seeking a life-time partner. I realized that most guys who hit on me or ask me out for dates might be just testing the water or see if he is interested in me. For instance, over the summer, several guys hit on me. I preferred one guy and was seeing him exclusively, and did not give anybody else any chance. It turned out very hurtful for me in the end: the guy I saw exclusively loss his interest in me once I agreed to be his gf and said:"Dating you was effortless. " God knows I was considerate enough to make things easy for him because I thought he must have really liked me to ask me out.I think that incident made me more mature in some sense. Now I want to give myself more chances to explore, and more importantly to be on the same page with everyone. Honestly, for those two guys I mentioned in my question, I wouldn't have agreed to go on lunch/coffee dates with them if it was 5 months ago. To me, they are just two nice guys I met in a party and chatted for a while. Now I think I want to be at least friends with one or both because they seem very kind. My bottom-line is, I will not go out with guys who are just looking for excitement. However, if it is not so obvious from the beginning that they are bad boys I am willing to give them a chance.Hope that answers your question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): For me dating several people at the same time shows a lack of character. I wouldn't go on a date with a guy being aware that next day heis going to see a different woman. But that's me. I now plenty of people do the multiple dating thing, it's not just for me. Also these two are from the same group. Don't mislead them. Go on one at at time, giving there is a space between them like couple of weeks . And don't look at it like a waiste of time, because it's not. You are getting to know people, it's never a waiste of time. Also, I think acting as a friend at first with everyone is the best idea.In general, my opinion, don't get even a bit romantically involved with men from the same group, bad idea. Men talk between themselves, worse than women, and share details, keep that in mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2013):
 If it's a coffee date then normally I would say yes, I don't see the problem, but I would be upfront about it. There would also be no kissing, no PDA and certainly no sex. Since the guys might know each other I think the LEAST you can do is being honest. Though I find it in a little bit of bad taste because they are from the same group of friends to go on on dates with both.
Personally, I would never date more then one guy at a time. Not even in the initial stages. But I know it's very common these days to bet on more then one horse at a time. To me that seems so fickle.
You are asking how you should "act" on a date. It's is not a performance, it's a date. So BE yourself. Talk and ask questions. GET to know the person. See if any sparks fly.
Have you no inkling if one attracted you more then the other? Was there sparks from both, none or one of them?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 When they both know each other you need to be careful. It depends on how well they know each other. But there is nothing unethical about cofee dates or other dates. The entire point is to explore and not be exclusive. Exclusivity is for official relationships. Or unless you have talked and agreed on other arrangements.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Cupid +, writes (22 October 2013):
 if guys ask you on a date you are more then welcome to go on them, especially if you feel attraction between you two.
If the two guys know each other, its probably not a good idea to go out with both of them at the same time. Because one of them may like you so much they'll bring you up with the other guy, and create a mess.
See who you want to get to know a bit more, then go out with him if you want to go with both. Make sure its at least 2 weeks apart, so It isn't as obvious. and as for the other parties. Have fun, flirt, you're single anyway.
and also remember just because youre going on a date, doesn't mean its exclusive, so definitely go on dates, til you find the perfect fit :) good luck.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (22 October 2013):
 It's totally okay as long as you don't go out of your way to give either of them the impression that you're dating him and him only. If they ask you about it you should be honest and tell them you're keeping things casual and leaving your options open. And once you make up your mind as to your preference, be kind and don't string your second choice along.How far you are comfortable going with them is really a matter of personal boundaries. I wouldn't want to do more than kiss chastely if I were seeing multiple men, but that's just my preference. If I were "into" a man enough to want his tongue in my mouth I'd probably be into him enough to quit playing the field, too.You may wish to go farther than kissing, or not even that far, and there's nothing wrong with that either. I would, however, caution you against dating too many guys from the same group of friends, even very casually. Guys talk to each other just like women do and sooner or later they'll figure out they're all dating the same girl. Then you have a reputation either for being easy (if you've been physical with them) or for being a tease or prude (if you haven't). And I don't think any guy really wants to be wondering how far his best friend got with a girl he's evaluating as serious relationship material... if that makes sense.Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (22 October 2013):
Sorry to answer a question with a question, but how or why did you feel that it wasn't working out with the other guys you dated? I was always a monogamous, one-woman-at-a-time guy by nature when I was dating, and I would have given anything to find a woman who would have felt the same way -- not necessarily as a lifetime commitment, but who was at least capable of saying "no" to other men while she was dating me. Instead, they all had multiple other relationships (including sex) going on at the same time that I was involved with them. I understand that they might not have wanted to pass up other romantic possibilities, but I was freely making a similar sacrifice in order to do justice and give my full attention to them while I was dating them. I would have been tremendously honored and flattered if any of them had seen fit to do the same with me.
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