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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I love my fiance to the end of the world and back. I am as sure as one can be that in the depths of his soul lies a a volcanic love for me too. I couldn't be happier and I wouldn't change a hair on his head; neither would he on mine I believe.Interestingly, the other day he casually mentioned how 'shit happens' and people divorce and you can never know how it all works out. Now, I'm not stupid nor am blissfully oblivious to the high divorce rates. But that's not the sort of statement one likes to hear from their betrothed when you're knee deep in wedding planning! My gut reaction was why get married then? Why propose a lifelong legal, social and financial contract to me if you're going to go into it with the mindset that it might not be for life?His response to my reaction was that he values marriage more and won't take it for granted precisely because shit happens and nothing is a given.I sort of see what he means but I think we're compatible, we have good communication, we respect each other and strive to meet each other's needs. Shit won't happen to US unless one of us drops the ball. For me, it didn't matter that other relationships failed because they were different people in different circumstances so they give no indication of the likely 'success' or failure of our union.So ladies and gents, what do you think? What are couples in love to make of the high divorce rates? Should we plunder on and hope that we end up ok? Should we just not bother with the whole institution? Is it ok to get married thinking there's a 50% chance this won't work out? For what it's worth, neither of us is religious and I would rather stay together but not get married than get married to someone who's not sure about the whole thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Aw, he just caught you off-guard with a poorly-timed philosophical observation. When you're facing one of the largest life-altering decisions you'll ever make, stuff goes through your mind. Unfortunately for us guys, it sometimes bypasses the filter; and comes right out our mouths. His timing was totally off. Relax! The wedding planning has you on high-alert!
You gave a great description of how you feel about him, and how you think he feels about you. I think you are mature enough to know that there are always risks, and life is unpredictable. That's a fortunate thing. Or no one would take any risks at all.
By and large, people seem to take marriage pretty casually; and without a moment's hesitation would put an end to it. Divorce doesn't seem like much of a big deal; until the "dreaded gays" decided we wanted the right to get married. Suddenly marriage becomes sacred, requiring legal and moral definition proclaimed on a broad scale. Dictated to the masses who should and shouldn't have a right to do it.
I've seen too many silly gay people run to the alter just "cause we can." Not even thinking of how important and serious such a commitment is. Straight people treat it no better. Flaunting their vows. Cheating willy-nilly, and treating each other worse than they treat their pets.
It isn't doubt that kills marriages; it's doing it for all the wrong reasons, my dear. When you dated, you didn't know how long the love-connection would last. You can't read each others minds, and you had to build trust.
The point I'm making is, go in with hope and do the best you can with what you've got. You start with love and trust; and take if from there. Doubt is in everything. Your car may not start tomorrow, you may turn on the shower and get no water. Rain may be in the forecast and never happen. Who knows? Doubting-Thomas's and cynics always have something to say about everything. They don't always mean it. It's just a thought they can't keep to themselves and they have to share it.
There is divorce. It doesn't happen to everybody. It's just that people don't see any reason to put up with crap anymore than they have to. If it was that bad together, they shouldn't have married each other in the first place.
You also have to be realistic about life in-general; and not create scenarios of perfection human-relationships can't live up to. Then become disillusion by reality.
Marriage is a commitment; built on what you feel for each other when you take that step. You make vows because that is a promise you will do your best to withstand those uncertainties, trials, and tribulations. You'll stick it out as long as you can; hopefully until you're old and die. Life has twists, turns, hills, and valleys. If you love each other enough, you'll take the risk. If that love consistently grows, you withstand adversity and challenges together and grow stronger as a couple. Some can't take the heat. Best they do get out of the kitchen; before they pick up a knife or a frying pan, and murder each other.
Men don't feel the same way about wedding planning as women. Men take a little longer to decide to commit to marriage than women. Men have a more cynical opinion of marriage than women. So you if you stand behind a wall and listen to men talk about it, you'd think none of us would ever want to do it. The prospect of having sex with one person for the rest of your life is scary. Yet, we do it.
Why? Because deep down inside; we all want someone to mean so much to us; that we'd take that step. We don't worry about if it will last, we worry about how good we can make it for each other. That's how I feel about it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2015):
 I would not marry if I didn't feel SURE about my partner. BUT I do agree with your fiance. SHIT does happen and staying with someone JUST because you said I DO, is not always viable.
I don't take marriage lightly. I actually wasn't planning on marriage and kids.... but then I met my husband and well, the "plan" changed.
No one knows 100% that it will work out til "death do us part." So going into thinking I will WORK my ass off to MAKE it work, to be that 50% that DOES last, but IF shit happens I will RESERVE the right to end it.
My husband and I have hit 17 years of marriage and we are still doing good. I'm hoping we are the 50% that makes it last.
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