A
female
age
51-59,
*ulu2015
writes:Is it ok for my boyfriend to discuss our relationship issues with his adult daughter? He raised her alone from when she was 16 (now 26) and he says they tell each other everything. I adore his daughter and am trying to build a relationship with her and feel that if he is telling her every time we have an argument or telling her my personal struggles (I have been dealing with some personal health issues which I am embarrassed about) I may hinder that relationship (she is only hearing one side and we all know there are two sides to everything). Is it healthy for them to have this type of relationship? Part of me feels that as a parent it is never ok to look to the child for advise. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2015):
 I think it's rather detrimental for the relationship when he involves her in your arguments, and I think it's a HUGE no-no for him to tell you about YOUR personal struggles. THAT is NOT for him to share. NOT one bit. THAT is what I would call PRIVILEGED information between the two of you.
And I DON'T think it's healthy for him to USE his daughter to unload on. She is his daughter, not his therapist. And not his partner. You two have issues? YOU two sort it out.
However, I do see parents do this OVER and OVER. My BIL is one such guy as well - or rather he WAS. He has 4 grown daughters. 3 of which he raised as a single dad from their teens till now (they are mid to late 20's and one is 19) Whenever he started to date a new woman the girls would be involved in EVERYTHING (more or less) they would text her and "listen" to their dad when things were bleak, and THEY also caused a LOT of drama in his relationships that he REFUSED to see. Specially when it came to money. He had to cancel several events and trips with his GF's because the GROWN daughters felt HIS money was something THEY had a "right" to, not his GF. And if THEY (the kids) couldn't go on a week-end getaway neither should their dad! Imagine that! When he asked my husband and I, why things seem to go so wrong with the woman he dated we BOTH pointed out that there wasn't TWO people in these relationships, there were him, her and ALL his daughters.... It took him a couple more short term relationships to figure out, that we were right. He is now dating a really nice lady who has met his daughters but isn't Facebooking or texting them on a daily basis. Nor is HE telling his daughters intimate details or problems they may have. They seem to be doing pretty well, honestly. My BIL is also the kind of parent who can't say no, because he doesn't want his "kids" to miss out... well all his kids are GROWN. It is not his job to buy them a $400 phone because they simply "NEED" THAT one. Another lesson he has learned lol.
I think your BF isn't doing it out of malice, but ignorance. I think he is forgetting that HE is the parent, she IS still the child. I do think he can ask her for advice, but NOT relationship advice and NOT if it includes dissecting disagreements or your PRIVATE information.
He can ask her on advice on let's say a present for you. Or a place to take you out for a date.
Whether your BF can see this or not... whether he will change his attitude or not... it's impossible to say. YOU have to decide if you are OK with it or not and act accordingly.
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