A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently got out of a long term relationship because I was so fed up with how are arguments were destroying me on the inside.The resson I felt like I wanted to get out of this relationship, was because sometimes he would make me feel like shit when we argued. He use to shout at me and I would back. I felt like he use to talk to me like shit in these rows and just take his shit out on me in general sometimes. In are arguments, he says stuff like, you don't do this and that for me and sometimes says, look at all the stuff I have done for you. At other times, he will tell me how kind and wonderful I am so I don't see how I could be kind, wonderful and the best thing in his life one moment, and then horrible and selfish the next. I told him for a long time that I wasn't happy and didn't want to be in the relationship any more because of how unhappy I can be sometimes. His responce is all couples have arguments. My question is this. Is it just me being over sensative because he's right when he says all couples have arguments but at the same time, is it normal to stay in a relationship were these arguments drain all your energy and make you feel like a dead soul on the inside. I'm just so fed up with it and feel like I carn't take anymore. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sick  +, writes (24 January 2010):
it's hard to tell when all we are hearing is your side of the story. remember, arguing is something that both of you contribute to. it wouldn't turn into an argument if you yourself didn't participate in it. people say really bad things when they are offended. and who knows what you say?
maybe, since you seem to be the better one, step back a little. step back before it turns into an argument. silence maybe a killer but there is always a better time to talk about issues... not when both of you are pissed.
I don't think you would be posting here if you didn't want to work things out. if you are really serious about this person i suggest you do the 40day Love Dare. I did it myself and believe me, it changes people!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): I think it depends if you cope with or get anything out of these arguments. Lots of people stay in relationships where they argue with each other all the time. Personally I love arguing but my husband hates it and says that it wears him down. If he is belittling you and is abusive and then stops and tells you how much he loves you then that is emotional abuse and you would be better off without him.
Clearly from your post it is getting to you and making you feel awful and he is getting off on upsetting you in this manner so I would have a good think about whether staying in this kind of relationship is right for you.
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A
female
reader, MissFixIt +, writes (24 January 2010):
 Hi
It seems as if he knows exactly how to play you. One minute treating you like rubbish and the minute you threaten to leave changing his attitude. You need to take a step back and think about yourself. There are lots of things that may make you think you should stay, fear of the unknown? scared you wont find anyone else? The simple truth is that no one should be treated like that. At the end of the day no one can tell you what to do but if you make the decision to stay make sure you speak to him and make him understand it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. You are obviously unhappy and therefore the best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy. One thing for sure is that not all men are the same and you can find someone to treat you better! the true question is do you want someone else?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): If you two want to stay together, then for the sake of your physical and mental health....& happiness, you need to resolve the arguments because no, it is not good to stay with someone when you are constantly arguing. The problems need to be addressed, maybe through counselling and some understanding reached between you two. You could try having a bit of space from each other to see if by stepping back and being apart you gain some perspective or understanding about both your roles in the arguments. One thing I will say, if he is rude and verbally abusive that is not likely to change so you might want to re-think the sort of partner you actually want to be with. You are not an emotional punchbag for his moods and insecurities and you certainly don't want to end up with him losing his temper and hitting you one day. He can't depend on you to make him happy, he has to find that within himself and then, a good relationship will complement the already secure happy person he should be in his own right and the same goes for you. I hope you sort it out either way to your satisfaction and that you are happy. Constant arguing is really really bad for you. Some arguments can have a good outcome but then again some men use this concept and abuse it to cause more arguments to just keep your head screwed on! Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Lots of people stay in relationships that arent doing them any good. And i guess its relatively `normal` for those couples to argue. But its a clear sign of incompatiblity. The relationship you had with him didnt make you happy and the things said were hurting you. And him no doubt. As time went on those things would have got worse until you had no confidence or self esteem left. Leaving someone is hard but you did the right thing, so keep strong and expect better from the next relationship. Dont be tempted to go back x
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 Er, well... do you enjoy feeling like a dead soul? Do you enjoy him yelling at you and making you feel guilty for probably no reason at all? I doubt you do. I don't doubt, necessarily, that you two shouldn't be together because of arguments. I think, if you want to stay together in the long run, some behaviour modification is needed. Mainly on his part, by the sounds of it. I think there is something WRONG when couples argue and it turns PERSONAL. Arguments within a relationship are to be expected on occasions, but when a partner, or both, starts to personally attack the other one that's when it becomes unacceptable, I feel. And I feel - from your post - that that's what he's doing. He's making you feel bad and attacking your character ("*you* don't do *this* for me") instead of identifying the issue at the crux of the argument and trying to reach a resolution. So - in short - if you genuinely feel that you two can be together as a couple in the long run and you love him, then try counselling or couple's therapy, and try modifying behaviour in arguments so you reach a resolution.Otherwise, just get out of the relationship. If you're arguing so much that it gets in the way of your happiness as a couple, then maybe it's time to walk. May I ask what you two seem to usually argue about? Are they 'serious' issues, or are they more 'petty'?
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