A
male
age
51-59,
*hained
writes:"My wife displays no affection towards me whatsoever and I'm ready to leave! Help!"When we first met it was like magic. I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37 never married and no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met one another. She was married with 8 kids to the same man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants and I even knocked on her door while campaigning for a friends senate position. I was to a point in my life where I was tired of looking for my soul mate and was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country on a 44 acre ranch in a big house. My family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn’t have any kids. Something that I always wanted – A lot of kids and a beautiful wife. Not knowing but she moved 1500 miles away in 2000. She ended up divorcing her verbally abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2002. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa ( she doesn’t know but I’m from Iowa ) whose face she couldn’t see in her dreams and was trying to plan a trip there to maybe meet him. Well her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. She was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister’s funeral. Went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends. We ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We have been told we are the Barbie and Ken couple and on a scale of 1-10 in looks we are both a 9.5 plus. Here comes the bombshell. She tells me that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money to save her house and catch her up on her bills. We move forward in our relationship and I make several trips to her home in the country. She is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 and 17. The day I’m buying her wedding ring I get a call from her 1500 miles away and she tells me her oldest son just beat her up and was taken away by the police. I sell my house and business and move in with her on her 44 acre ranch in the country. Here is where the problem starts. Her pimp (prominent local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up. This goes on for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn’t stop him from calling that I was going to leave. In the meantime I’m catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I’m doing all the shopping and taking the kids to school and basically running the whole house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers and chocolates, give her massages, and when we make love she tells me she has never felt that way before. Soon I begin to notice she doesn’t and hasn’t done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no initiation of love or affection. I have wanted to leave her several times because of this and have tried talking to her about it numerous times. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love, affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok and that a lot of marriages are that way. We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost three. I have a lot of anger and bitterness in me now because of this. I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and have said things to her that I wished I could take back. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the mean things that I have said. I’m not making excuses for my behavior but I feel like a dog chained to a tree that doesn’t get any food or water. I actually told her that if I hadn’t said anything mean to her that we would still have one person in this marriage with a shriveled up heart starved for love. I have lost my desire to do anything for her. HELP!!!!!!! Is it a normal reaction to say mean things to the one you are married too under these conditions?
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flowers, money, prostitute, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Well I think you are a sweety. She sounds (really sad though it is) as though she is very damaged and so is her family, by her choices in life. When women let men pay them for sex they don’t know it but they spend emotional currency and give away a tiny bit of soul each time. Self love is spent. Trust in other people’s integrity is spent. Walls go up to protect, hardness comes, they give away a small piece of trust and belief in themselves each time, and the account that holds the key to happiness empties. Each time they cheapen the act of love they make it less likely that they will ever find its true value again. When a woman who has been a prostitute is offered love she probably finds it a lot harder or impossible to accept it. I can imagine that she would no longer know how to give and receive love and would be empty. You can see how her son treated her, he also has been damaged by this life of hers.If you think of animals who have been beaten and mistreated you may see what I mean. They thieve from bins and are untrustworthy, they whimper if you put a hand out to stroke them. They may bite the hand that feeds them! It becomes an instinct not to allow anyone to hurt you.You tried to rescue this woman but you can’t. If it were possible and she valued herself she would have rescued herself. Unless she goes for counselling to get her own esteem back I don’t think you can have much hope. I know you loved her and may still do. With people, what you see is what you get, you can’t save them or make them better people. That comes from within, so if you do end up starting again (and I hope this is not the case) make sure you settle for what is already brilliant, not the potential that you see in someone to be better.
A
female
reader, findingme67 +, writes (15 February 2008):
 I'm sure i'm not the best person to ask about this sort of thiing as I am 16 years old, but I do one or two things about marriage.My anunt and unlce recently got divorced because she always treated him badly. She insulted his career, not to mention his intelligence. My uncle finally got tired of the way she treated him and filed for divorce.My uncle came to visit me and my family this past summer without his wife and kids. I talked to him about his marriage and tried to put as much imput as I could. He showed me quiet a few poems he wrote with a bitter, hateful tone. He only spoke badly of her and complained about their marriage. The point I am trying to reach is that it is completely normal to say mean things to the one you are married to regardless if you are getting divorced or staying together. I may not have much experiance, but I have never once heard of a relationship where a couple doesn't say hurtful things to the one they are with. I hope this helped in any sort of way and good luck figuring out things with your wife =)
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (15 February 2008):
 You are saying mean things to your wife because you have bottled up your feelings and they are coming out sideways in your comments. I don't think you intend to say mean things but that is what happens when you are not happy.
I think you were taken advantage of. I seriously do not think this woman loves you and I question whether or not she is able to love a person like you want to be loved.
A marriage is about give and take. If you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking then how you feel today will only escalate in the years to come. You need to resolve this issue and if you can not, you need to leave before you lose your soul. This is NOT a normal marriage.
I feel sorry for the kids who will lose a father figure but you can not let that stop you from taking care of yourself.
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