A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years. we are getting married in less than 3 months and I am having doubts. I have been with him since i was 17 and hardly had any other relationships before. i just don't feel attracted anymore although i do love him and care very much about him and his family. now i feel attracted to other people, one in particular at work. I thing I might want to be single and free as I am only 25 but do not want to regret either choice... also letting everybody down.. all the money spent on the wedding...help!did you have doubts when you got married?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Hi there,
I have to say I didnt have any doubts before I walked down the aisle, I only wanted to be with one person. But then again I was 30 and had had seen many things, I always think people who get married to the person they have dated since their teen years are suceptible to straying.
So in your case you have to ask yourself this question, have we simply outgrown each other? Society is littered with men and women who get divorced after only a year or two, they never should have married but went through it so as not to displease family and friends.
At the end of the day if you do not wholeheartedly desire your partner then it is best to have a heart to heart with him and tell him you need some time to get your head together. I would advise spending time apart and not taking up with the guy who is catching your eye, it will only complicate things. But spend some time by yourself and get a clear head, find out what you want in life and whether you want to go on this journey with your current fiance, not because you feel you have to but because you want to.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 The fact that you are having doubt I believe is normal. However, your statement regarding not being attracted to him are certainly concerning. Since you have been with him for so long you would naturally have strong feelings for him and his family but that is no reason to go on with a marriage if you are not totally ready. As far as letting everyone down, forget about that. If they care about you at all they should be happy if your happy. Regarding the money spent, forget about that also. Its a lot cheaper to postpone or cancel the wedding than it will be if you wind up in a divorce in a few years. As far as the guy at work, stop right there. Never date a co-worker the risks are too great. I know a lot of people do but I will tell you when and if you break up there will be hell to pay. Not to mention all the gossip and stupid comments. Its just not worth it. As far as anyone else having doubts, it really doesn't matter. Everybodys situation is different and you need to do what you feel is right. I suggest you have a true heart to heart conversation with your fiance and put it all on the table. You just might be surprised, he might feel the same way. This is a time for you both to act as mature adults and do the right thing but that can only come out of good and honest communication. If he truly cares about you and truly loves you he will want you to be happy even if your future doesn't include him.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Yes. I think it is normal to have doubts but if you are also feeling attracted to someone else it may be premature to walk down the isle.
Ask yourself honestly, are you going through with the wedding so that you will not disappoint him and your family or are you going through with this wedding because you want to spend the rest of your life with the one and only man you love. If you can not honestly say you are getting married for yourself, you will have a tough marriage.
The day I was married I had to run out and buy a slip as I forgot that small detail. While at JC Penney I had the impending doom feeling and wanted to flee out the side door and not go through with my wedding. As I stood at the alter I thought "what am I doing? I am making a mistake" because I truly loved someone else, my ex, and I was not over him. I went through with the marriage because I told my ex I would marry him and I am a woman of my word. Looking back, I did not do myself a favor and you wont be doing yourself one either if you are not totally in love.
Did you get the part where I said my ex. I should have bolted at JC Penney.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): It is normal, you just have to figure out if what you're experiencing is normal "cold feet" or if there's something really wrong. There's a book out there called "The Conscious Bride" that addresses this type of thing and also a website called www.consciousweddings.com. Read through the comments on the forum and you'll see women experience these feelings a lot but they're not often talked about because we're supposed to be all happy, etc. I highly recommend the book, it will help you determine if you're feelings are legit or if you're just struggling with transitioning from single life to married life. Anymore women aren't pining away to be married, we have fun, full lives of our own accord and giving that up is a loss to a certain extent. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Pre-wedding jitters.
This is for all intents and purposes, your first and only trully lasting relationship.
But you are feeling like you missed out on all the flirting and casual sex that being young potentially offers.
Look.
You need to right now look inwards. If you trully love this man, then you know what to do. If that love is not enough for you then you know what to do.
Just don't break it off for a selfish desire for a youth you no longer have or can get back. And don't get married out of a misguided sense of loyalty.
Whatever it is you decide, make sure it is what you trully wish.
Flynn 24
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