A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hello everyone,I have just come out of a relationship which lasted over a year and a half. The relationship began quickly. We were effectively in a relationship together after just a few dates. We had a lot in common, it seemed. We shared similar interests and this created a special bond between us.Last year, I was still only in part time work. I had so much free time on my hands, so I was able to do whatever I wanted. 2012 was the greatest year of my life. She and I did SO much together, and while I wasn't convinced about the two of us working in the long term, I must admit that she is the best girlfriend I've ever had. We had a lot of fun and I look back on last year with so much fondness. It was a time of great happiness for us both. To explain a little about my doubts; I was her first love. First boyfriend, first love, first sexual partner - the works. And it showed. She was deeply in love with me, as first loves usually are. I never felt like I could match what she felt for me and for this reason I had doubts about us. Even more so when she kept joking about getting engaged. This scared me. I felt very uncomfortable by it and I told her this. But she wouldn't let up. Any time we walked past a jewellers she would be pointing out which rings she liked. From there my doubts only grew. She had admitted that she wanted to marry me, and in truth; I didn't feel like I wanted to marry her. For one thing I believe I'm too young to make that kind of commitment, but also, I couldn't deal with KNOWING that she wanted to marry me, but I DID NOT feel the same way. The guilt I felt was unbearable at times.Also (and I do not want to slate this girl, because she really is lovely), I felt like I wasn't attracted to her enough. She was a (in truth) bigger girl than I would normally go for and I knew she was very self-conscious about her weight. Because of this I influenced her to diet. At no point did I force this on her, I merely made the suggestion and offered her all the support I could muster. Unfortunately, after well over a year of trying, nothing really seemed to work. She didn't have the will power for it and this became disheartening to me, much as I hate to admit it. It got to the point where I was becoming bored of trying to encourage her, or even praise her for her efforts. I wanted her to be comfortable and happy in her body, but she (as yet) hasn't been able to change. I really don't like talking badly of her, but she did have certain mannerisms which irritated me. But this is normal. Nobody's perfect. But also, she wasn't the best sleeping-partner either. She would sometimes suffer night terrors. I knew that she couldn't help this and I don't blame her at all, but as a result I was unable to relax while spending the night with her. It only stressed me out.Things started to decline when I changed jobs. Suddenly I was working full time and had virtually no time to myself and I confess that this has stressed me out. I still live at home, I am undertaking a mathematics course once a week, I like to exercise and socialise all while working Monday - Friday... I have had no ME TIME at all.Eventually I began to resent the time I spent with her. It became almost a chore and this made me feel incredibly guilty. She didn't deserve that. She deserved to be with somebody who would appreciate their time together and nothing less. My feelings towards her changed and so did my attitude. Before I knew it the doubts started to grow and grow, as did my guilt. "Why am I acting this way towards her?", "How can I stay with her if I feel like we aren't meant to be together in the long run?", "Why have I changed?".So yes, I broke things off. I just couldn't cope with my feelings. I felt she deserved more from me and that I deserved to be with someone who I could give more to and treat better. Even though I miss her greatly now, I can honestly say that, as much as she was an amazing partner, much as loved me very much, would look after me, stand by me, support me and never hurt me... I just couldn't envision myself having a life with her. WHY NOT?? That makes no sense really... does it?I need clarity on whether I have truly done the right thing. I thought after ending the relationship I would feel a sense of relief. I do to an extend, but I continue to be full of doubt. I can't seem to trust my instincts because I know that my feelings have been clouded by the stress of my new life. I don't believe she and I were right for each other in the long run and that the stress has only brought our break up forward. But even then I have doubts... I'm really struggling to cope with the feeling of not knowing for sure. I may have thrown away someone who would have made an excellent life companion.Is it normal to feel this confused so soon after a break up? I thought it was what I wanted, I'm I'm confident that it is, but I miss her immensely! Please advise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Oh and just to add - my first love asked to get back with me very shortly after breaking up with me because he said he couldn't have made the right decision if he felt so bad afterwards (I suppose the same way you are feeling bad right now). And so we tried for a week or so and he dumped me again - incredibly painful for both of us. So sit tight and keep your thoughts and doubts to yourself (don't speak to her about these doubts or it'll mess with her head), leave her be, come here to vent/ ask advice etc. Take care :)
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 May 2013):
Andy, read your last sentence again and apply it to your ex girlfriend. She will get though it.
I also remember the immense pain of my first love leaving me - wow, it was a hard time! But I had people to look after me, and so does she. She might not take it as bad as you think.
You have already justified breaking it off, and from what I've gleaned about you, I'm sure you did it in the most sensitive way possible so please don't feel guilty.
Far worse would have been for you to string her along for another 6 months/ a year/ married her and had children while being ultimately unhappy - and she'll understand that herself.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (30 May 2013):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think you're right, Daisy. She is no longer my responsibility, I just wish I didn't have to put her through it. I can't understand why I've changed... or whether I truly did. I always had doubts about us as a long term couple after all, but then again, we did have an amazing time together... Ahh, it's so confusing. I know I have probably done the right thing, I just wish I could justify breaking things off. I feel like my reasoning is insufficient, and I know that as a result she will probably be finding the break up very hard to accept. She's a lovely girl, and like I said, she wanted to marry me. I feel absolutely awful to have ruined that for her. I've read up a little on "Dumpers Guilt". I have plenty of that at the moment. How do I stop blaming myself and turn this into something positive?
I may be worrying about her too much based on how badly I took my first ever break up. I'm sure you still remember what I was like Eyeswideopen (of course I remember you!), you helped me plenty of times during that long, long spell! I truly hope my ex doesn't take things as badly as I did. I was a wreck. I can't bear the idea that she will find herself in the place that I was in, which to my credit I did eventually get through (as we all must when faced with this situation).
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Hi Andy. Remember me? Long time no see.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 May 2013):
Andy, it's great that she has a good support network around her, and now you have to trust them to look after her. It might sound brutal (though not meant that way) but she is no longer your responsibility. It's touching that you still care so much about her, but the best thing for her is to leave her be. She will be alright, and so will you.
Breaking up is hard when there are still feelings involved and you're clearly a compassionate person, which is going to make it harder for you. But - I think you know your decision was the right one, so take it a day at a time and don't give yourself a hard time.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (29 May 2013):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Daisy for your answer. I think you're right enough. It's very early days and I need to give myself time. I do miss her companionship terribly now that it's not here anymore. I'm sure it will get easier, but I'm more worried about her than myself right now. She has a great support network around her, but none the less this is a new experience for her and I just want her to be alright. For the record, I did love her very much, it's just not an easy thing to say at this early stage.
Anonymous... I think that's a needlessly judgemental answer... The weight issue had nothing to do with embarrassment. Nothing. Perhaps I wasn't as "fully accepting" as I could have been, but I don't consider myself a shallow guy. If I were, I wouldn't have stayed with her near as long as I did. How dare you say that I don't deserve to be her first anything?? We made each other very happy during our relationship, and just because I have brought things to a conclusion does not make me any less worthy. I am proud to have been her first love and all I ever did while we were together was to do right by her. And lastly, we broke up on Sunday. I'm not even close to thinking about moving on yet, I'm getting over my loss first.
Being judgemental/assuming the worst of people is not a great trait for an agony aunt to carry. I kindly suggest that you take note of that before offering others your form of support/advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Sounds like you were embarassed about her appearance and therefore never fully and truelly accepted her. I actually think you love her but did not think she was good enough for you.
The mere fact you think its adding valuing listing all the things you dont like about her is an indication that you were not totally accepting of her. You right she deserves someone that loves and can accept her without being embarassed about her size.
Did you not notice her size when you started dating her? You should not have been her first anything, because you did not deserve her love. You have now destroyed her hopes and first love, she will take a long time to love and trust againt thanks to you.
I still maintain you love her, question is can you accept her and publicly acknowledge that the hell with everything else, she is what you want. If you were honest to yourself, your answer is in your face. You have not moved on to another girl because you are stuck in what you feel for this ex.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 May 2013):
I have to disagree with anon. If you broke up with this girl then she is quite likely hurt and she doesn't need you giving any false hope of a reunion if you're not sure.
I think you have to leave her be, let time pass and see how you feel in a few weeks or months. You've listed enough problems with the relationship that it sounds like you did the right thing for you, and you're going through the normal process of missing someone you're used to being around - like you've lost your best friend - but not missing her as a girlfriend. You don't even say that you loved her.
So yes, I think it is normal to feel the way you do after a break up. Give it time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): I think you should try talking to her if your so confused why not ask her to meet up and see if any old feelings are still there
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