A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The situation is this: I got close with a female friend who at the time had a boyfriend. She wanted to make our relationship physical; we had very strong feelings for each other. At first I declined but, upon her insistance that her current relationship was practically over and would be soon, I thought it would be fine. Nearly 3 months later, she still hadn't ended it. Since it really was a bad relationship and since we were getting really attached, I was really struggling with the fact that she still had a boyfriend, I didn't feel it was right, even if it didn't mean anything to her. In the end I got so upset by the lack of progress that I gave her the "him or me" ultimatum. She broke up with him a week ago, and acknowledges it was the right thing to do but now she's VERY VERY miserable and guilty!! It is- ironically- straining our own relationship and I don't know what to do. Is it normal to feel THAT miserable after ending a very bad relationship? What if the misery taints our own relationship? Please help!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 The issue is this - if the relationship was really THAT BAD, she wouldnt have been with him regardless of you coming into the picture. The fact that she had 2 boyfriends for 3 months is a clear indicator that her relationship wasnt as bad as she told you - that is a classic line from cheaters, they will tell their 'bit on the side' how bad it is with their current partner, to give their bit on the side hope that one day you could be together.
If she had told you 'actually I still have feelings for him and I'm not sure what I want at the moment' you would have ended it right? Because you would have thought there is no point in bothering with a girl who has feelings for another guy. So she told you lies to keep you interested because she was enjoying the physical side with you and didnt want to be forced into making a decision about her boyfriend.
So what you are left with is a girl who clearly never wanted to break up with her boyfriend, but because she felt so guilty about cheating on him and because you pushed her she made a decision she wasnt entirely ready for or happy with.
Starting a relationship that begins as a seedy affair is not a good way to start, your relationship has begun with lies, cheating and 2-timing. She wasnt ready to end her relationship, she clearly isnt ready to be with you, she is not over the break up and has no time to recover.
The best thing you can do for her is to give her space, take some time out from being together and let her get over her ex. You will never be happy together unless she is 100% over him and ready to move on with a new guy (you), and the only way she can do that is if she takes a break from you and has a few weeks (ideally months) of being alone to let go of all the baggage that came from her last relationship.
It is normal for her to be upset, in fact she should be upset and this should last for at least a few months. What isnt normal is for her to jump into a relationship with you right away when she is not over her ex.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 yeah it's normal. she jumped right out of one relationship and straight into another with you. that's asking for disaster.
she shouldn't have been with you while she was still with her ex. that just goes to show she's untrustworthy. plus, if you two wanted to do things the smart way, you would have backed off and let the relationship run its course and eventually end, and then let her take some time to move on. once she had moved on, THEN you should have started dating her.
everything was done backwards in this situation.
lesson learned: don't sleep with women who have boyfriends.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 March 2013):
It’s normal to feel sad or miserable after a break-up. Even if you know it was the right thing to do, there are still expectations she would have had, and maybe her ideas of how things would progress have been disappointed. It doesn’t mean that she is doubting it was the right thing to do though.
What will taint your relationship, more than anything, is the fact that you had to push her in to ending things and that you know she went behind her boyfriend’s back with you. That’s probably why you are worried about this: you can’t accept it as sadness that she had to tell her ex something he didn’t want to hear, you think it’s something that will get in the way of your new budding romance.
I wish you all the very best.
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