A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years two months ago, we did not see each other since then as we are living far apart, but we were texting almost everyday. For me, the relationship has died some time ago, mainly due to his immaturity and negligence towards me, despite I still love him till the point I told him I could not do it anymore. But I still care a lot about him and do not want him sad.Anyway, I was starting to move on and had slept with a guy. I am feeling so guilty about it, because my ex called me 2 days ago and told me how sorry he was for neglecting my feeling all along and he hopes we will make it work one day. He told me he has probably made the biggest mistake in his life, but doesn't want to push me to go back to him before he is sure he changed and won't make me sad again if I give him a second chance. He agrees he doesn't have to right to get angry if I started seeing others and had sex (but he doesn't know I actually did), as he was the one who was wrong, so I had no choice but to leave him. I felt immensely guilty about myself moving on, though technically I did nothing wrong. I just hate to see him sad nor think those 3 years are not important to me just cos I slept with someone.He knows I'm not ready to take him back anytime soon, though we were chatting and laugh a lot when he called me. But he would like to visit me 2 weeks later, I would love to see him, but I just can't get over the guilt that I'm moving on and I don't see myself stopping to see that new guy.. but same time I know I will never get serious with that guy, it was more for fun. Deep down I still hope maybe one day in my life, me and my ex will grow up and work out. But now, I just want to be single and stop begging for his attention, my ex also understands why I prefer to be single now though I love him.Anyway, my question is, is it normal to feel so much guilt to move on? and do I tell my ex I slept with someone, who for me is just for fun, nothing serious? I know it will hurts him a lot to know the truth, tho he said he have to accept it if I chose to see others, but I just hate to see him sad.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 November 2014):
 I think you experience some degree of guilt because you know what you have done will hurt him if he finds out, even if you are not wrong in what you have done. I think you are right in moving on, it is what you need. It is your life, and I always say that no one else is going to look out for you.. you need to look out for yourself. This means that your ex boyfriend would not keep your best interest in mind (as he also proved to you), so you will have to keep your best interest in mind. It was within YOUR best interest to end the relationship and move on. It was in your best interest to sleep with another man, either because you simply felt like it, or wanted to move on and felt like it would help you. Whatever your reasons to do it, you had your reasons, and the decision was made based on what would be in YOUR best interest.
What would be in your ex boyfriends best interest is that you gave up your dreams and hopes and happiness so that he could have you at his beck and call for the few times he could be bothered, and now he's upset because he doesn't have that any longer and feels miserable. For all the time you stayed, while being miserable, you were taking HIS best interest into account. You stayed because you cared for him and didn't want to hurt him by leaving, even though you were not happy.
Now you stopped taking his best interest into account, and have allowed yourself to listen primarily to what is best for YOU. This might feel sudden, and a bit selfish, in comparison with how you used to think and act. Hence you feel guilt. But this guilt will soon disappear. You have made no vow to stay loyal to your ex even if you broke up, and you made no vow to always do what he finds to be in his best interest. You do however have an obligation, to yourself, to do what is in YOUR best interest. This you have done, and you should start to feel proud of this, once the mis-placed guilt goes away.
As a final note I will add that I perfectly well understand how you feel. I ended the relationship with my last boyfriend because of his mental illness. He could not help being sick, he did not choose it, but it made a relationship impossible. I was all alone in trying to make things work, trying to stay strong without ANY support from his friends or family. On the contrary, they actively pushed me away and saw me as some interference that didn't have anything to do with him. I don't think I've ever felt so alone and empty in my whole life. It became unbearable, and as much as I wanted to be there for him through his illness, and be a support to him... It just wasn't possible! I was drowning myself by trying to hold on to him. Was it in his best interest that I left? Maybe it actually was, because the last thing he needed was a girlfriend who just fought with his parents, was never happy and always miserable. Then again, I felt guilty.. a lot. I felt like I must be cruel and selfish for even thinking of leaving. I mean, who decides to end the relationship when the man becomes suicidal? It's not exactly the perfect timing.
That was 6 months ago. I knew back then, and firmly believe it today, that I made the right decision. I was not happy, I would have been dragged down to a very low point had I stayed. Some times in life you just got to do what you got to do, even if it might not be what others want you to do. I also think leaving my ex did make it easier for him to focus on himself and not have to worry about me as well/have that extra concern. I was not strong enough to smile through that shit his parents dragged me through, and it was all coming down on him, something I think would only work against his recovery. He was also strongly medicated, so when I ended things he barely responded and seemed just fine with it. So who knows. The guilt was, and to some degree is still there, but I knew what I needed to do, and I did it. Some things you just need to do, to preserve yourself and your own future happiness. For me it wasn't a question of what I wanted, it was a question of what I needed to survive.
But yeah I feel guilty, knowing I was planning to leave him while he, who at most times could barely manage to look someone in the eyes, and distanced himself completely, would manage to lay close to me and tell me he loves me, and embrace me. And there I was, thinking I needed to leave. It was not an easy decision.
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