A
female
age
36-40,
*nezka89
writes:Have you ever felt indifferent towards men for a long time after a bad relationship and constantly being looked over, and I say looked over because you don't even get close to being rejected. Is this even normal?My whole life I have been looked over by men or rejected at best. Only a few times I have gotten lucky but even then it hasn't lasted or I have make a very bad choice of men. I tend to blame this on the fact that I grew up without a father so any attention I get from whatever guy that I happen to like even if it is small I take. To top it off I grew up with a physical difference on both my hands and arms. While that has deterred guys to notice me in my teens, it wore of as I grew older. And what is worse, my mom is a strict woman that whenever I have tried to express any sadness or happiness for having had a guy pay attention to me she shuts me off. It's like I'm pathetic for feeling either one. So I just accept whatever is given to me whenever it's given to me.I've been living with this for 30 years and everything is the same, I get looked over by guys, and I'm not going to lie, after a while you get used to it. Even yesterday when a friend asked me what kind of guys I like and how I flirt I had no words. I can't remember how to flirt, and I don't even know what kind of guys I like because in the past I have dated the guys just because they are willing to pay me attention, and I don't seem to dislike. Hence, my bad choice at relationships (i.e., I dated a married man for a while and I was ok with it, then broke it off). Is this even normal? People say women should be picky about whom they date and choose. Like how am I supposed to choose when there is nothing to choose from? If I reject a guy that pays attention to me, it'll be ages before another one does.So I guess my question is, is it normal to feel apathetic towards guys after a while?Anyway, thanks for reading and your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): If you mean you learn to deal with the realities and downside of life, yes...that's not only normal, it's sensible. Life ain't always honey and roses. It sucks a little bit. We get challenges to make us smarter, and better survivors.
We live in a society that is brainwashed to seek superficial perfection. Even the ugly wants the beautiful.
The emphasis is on looks, and personality is... well...incidental, for lack of a better word. Many men grow-up to be superficial dirt-bags; because they had no positive male role-models. They lose touch with their sensitivities. They forget mom might have been plain; but they loved her to bits.
Many guys grow-up without dads, and are raised by single-moms. Single-mothers are phenomenal-women, and great parents. They can teach boys how to behave; but they can't teach them to be men. How to love a woman. We not only learn by textbook and what we're schooled; we also learn by example. We imitate what we see. Girls rarely go without moms; or some female role-model. Guys have to adopt substitutes like athletes, actors, or their team coach. Thank God for sports! Boys need male leadership, as much as they need our mothers. Gay-boys still need male role-models. Men are still needed in a child's development. Nature intended it that way. You've dated all the poor examples of men; which are proof of my theory. Now you know who to avoid!
Nowadays it's the norm for boys to have dirt-bag sperm-donors of a dad, some have misogynist clowns who made a baby, others have these heartless stuffed-shirts who treat their mothers like trash; some have this faceless-guy who sends a check, or someone who shows-up once in awhile calling himself your dad. So you MUST be picky! You're better-off to take long breaks in-between dates, to allow yourself recovery-time from the last failed-attempt. It's hell in the dating-world.
I'm speaking out of experience. I'm not making this stuff up!
You can't become bitter for having to dig through a pile of rejects and losers. Precious stones and good-men are hard to find. Good-men and good-women are protected by angels. They don't just get taken by any old taker. They're blessings from God. Sometimes they do make bad-choices; but not for long. They breakaway and find better. We chalk it up to a learning experience. They/we eventually find what they/we deserve. It might take a long-time. Sometimes not.
You can give-up hope. Be that the case; just make sure you don't live-out your life embittered, mean, and nasty. That will definitely avert all golden-opportunities, frighten-off prospects, and cancel all blessings.
If you have a spiritual belief-system. You know God is always watching; and often He saves someone special for when He thinks the time is right. Of course, for those who think the concept of a "higher being" is fantasy and hokey; they live at the mercy of circumstance. If I thought that way, I'd have nothing to look forward to. I would feel hopeless. Depending on chance or luck. Life is a roll of the dice! Not for me! I've got to have faith!
You're only in your 30's. For most women, life ends in their late 80's to 90's. Do you really believe you will never meet a good match in all that time? Do you have psychic or prophetic abilities! Play the lottery! You may as well be rich!
After my beloved of 28 years died; I felt just like you. That's it. I'm throwing in the towel, it's over and done. I was celibate for over a year. Then I stopped the nonsense.
I decided to enjoy making and having friends, traveling, enjoyed my job, doing self-improvements, prayed a lot, revived my faith, loved my family, and hope was restored. I hit a lot of snags of course. I too thought men were just horny jerks, users, and exploiters. I was trying to replace someone I loved and lost. I forgot that "good-men and precious stones" thing. I had to stop, regroup, and take my time to enjoy just having human-company. If romance entered the picture; it was icing on the cake.
When love came to me, it was after I stopped looking; and just decided I would enjoy my single-life, make God my best friend, love my family; and treasure those I can proudly and lovingly call my friends. He blessed me. Not just with someone to love; but He helped me to love life even after someone I loved was gone. Even when at first, it seemed everyone I met thereafter was total yuckers!
Your un-matching arm and hand have nothing to do with your loving personality and your heart of gold. You also have a head, body, and two legs! You've had the experience that your imperfections can be overlooked. You admit that you settled. That was the problem, not just that men suck.
Having a positive-attitude and fervor for life only adds to our appeal. You can and should remain picky; because you really have nothing to lose by doing so. Yes, I was lonely a lot; but I still loved myself, my friends, and my family. Until romance rolled around. It was scarce sometimes. It was feast or famine. I never lost hope. I just adapted to my situation.
I never figured I'd be single forever. I entertained the possibility it could be for a long-time.
Be good, be kind to others, and pray. If you don't believe in a creator; love yourself until somebody else comes along and gives you a reason to direct some their way. You can't see the future. So why give up on men now? At least make it to 50-something before you do that! If you put yourself down; you can't even see your own beauty, or appreciate your talents or gifts. You'll distort your perception of yourself. We believers blame that on the devil! Non-believers have only themselves to blame.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 June 2018):
 You shouldn't blame growing up without a father as an excuse to allow men to use and abuse you. You need to have more self esteem around yourself and realize your potential in a relationship. Don't settle for any man who gives you a look. You need to build a connection with someone and ask yourself can you see them treating you properly and having a future with them. If you don't respect yourself then how can you expect a man to do so? It is sad you cannot talk to your mother, have you any close friends or family that you can open up to and get advice from?
You might benefit from talking to a therapist as it is clear you don't have much confidence in yourself and you are prepared to allow men to walk all over you. Dating a married man is not okay. I honestly am not sure why you feel that it was an okay thing to do. He made a promise to his wife and you both went ahead and cheated on her. Why ruin another woman's life?
Without being picky just make sure you that a guy is treating you properly and you have a connection with him. Have you tried online dating? Also how much off an effort do you make to meet a man? One won't just appear you also should get out there and get talking to men and getting to know them. Show them you are interested.
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