A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:In our family, it has always just been assumed that we'd all go to college. I've never been the best student, but I've basically been average. I liked "electives" the best and I got the best grades in music and Spanish. Actually, I won the John Phillip Sousa Award in my class (class of 150 people) and I got the second-highest Spanish grade. So I was thinking of majoring in Spanish and becoming an interpreter or else majoring in music which means I could basically just teach or perform at weddings. Obviously, the first idea is the one where I'd be most likely to find a career. My parents like the idea of me teaching either one of them but they're both teachers so that's why. They were at least not upset about my grades because they saw I did the best I could.But. I really don't feel ready for college and I want to take a year off to find myself. I never had the chance to do that because there was NO privacy growing up. We were not allowed to have our own accounts or e-mail addresses on anything because they were for the family until we got to college. Even then, our parents are both teachers so they wanted my siblings passwords to everything in college so they could check their progress (the whole "We're paying" thing). If we got regular mail, we all had to open it up in front of everyone ESPECIALLY if you got a pen-pal letter or a package. Our parents were REALLY into handwritten pen-pals from sister cities around the world and sister churches around the world. We didn't get to travel much unless it was school- or church-related because it was too expensive (teachers aren't really poor but there are seven of us and I'm the middle one. Also, they sent us all to Catholic Schools. I am the only one who didn't go to an all-girls High School because I couldn't make the grades to get in). So anything that came into the house was for EVERYONE. If you bought something from a store, you were expected to show your purchases to everyone and if you got any food, you were expected to share it with everyone or throw it away. They are HUGE into sharing everything possible. We're locked out of our own bedrooms unless we're sleeping or changing our clothes and they turn the water ice-cold if our showers are longer than five minutes so we girls always have to choose between shaving our legs/pits or washing our hair. No overnights ever and when we went on school- or church-sponsored overnights they always chaperone and get us a room with them so we "don't have to" ride the bus or sleep in a hotel room with anyone. (Defeats the point). When friends come over EVERYONE in the family must be included so needless to say - hardly ever did we have guests over.So I'm looking forward to finding out who I am because I haven't had the chance. My parents problem is that when I said I wanted to take a year off they translated that into, "OK, you can stay home for two years instead of going away to college but at least go to community college then." Um, NO! That is the OPPOSITE of what I want! I wanted to just start getting more hours where I work and they said no because I'm still under their roof (which I can't get out of if I'm not allowed to work much). So I backed down and said I'd go to college right away. So I found a PERFECT one. It's actually cheaper than the three they thought of, it's OUT OF STATE (a FOUR HOUR drive away) but they let our state have in-state tuition, NO ONE I know is going to school there (so no reports to my parents about what I'm doing), and it's in a REALLY liberal area.Annnnd, that's my parents' three main problems with it. Especially the part where they say they're not going to drive four hours up and back twice to come get me every weekend like they did my two older sisters (exactly the point). They say they're going to end up spending too much in hotel feels so everyone (all siblings) can stay in a hotel every weekend to give me somewhere to be besides campus (I don't want them to!) Their biggest fear is that I'll stop going to church since I've been super-involved (involuntarily) all my life. A LOT of this stems from the fact that our oldest sister came out of the closet as soon as she went to college. They found out because she was going to a college a lot of people went to from our school and someone basically told on her because they thought it was hilarious that someone from a hyper-religious family came out. Our parents literally came up and had us help her pack up and come home when they found out. She recanted, but it was REALLY hard for her for the next few years. She's doing great now - she's got her own business all the way across the country and she's back out of the closet again, but still.I want to convince my parents that they really can't tell me who I am! I want to find this out for myself. Our second-oldest sibling was Valedictorian and real athletic and she's hyper-religious too. She's already married with four kids and she actually teaches religion and Latin at a Catholic school. She actually went to a Catholic college and almost joined a convent so that's all we hear about. I think the only thing she ever did to disappoint anyone was change her mind about the convent.But like I said, my parents are trying to ruin it for me. I just want to convince them that when I go to college up there, I'm not going to come out of the closet or anything. I'm planning to learn about Wicca but OBVIOUSLY I don't want to tell them that part. I'm not going to get crazy-drunk and start having wild sex with everything on the planet but of course I want to check out some parties and MAYBE try some weed but in the state that the college is in, it's actually legal. Obviously, I won't tell them that either. I'm not planning to do anything bad, I just basically want some space and time to myself to figure out who I am and what I believe in. And of course I'm trying to get an education!So how do I convince my parents that I REALLY need to go to that college and that staying home for two years is a bad idea? How do I convince them that I'm not our oldest sister (not that there's anything wrong with her)?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 July 2018):
 I can totally see that how your parents are treating you is wrong, they are being over protective and controlling and it is not going to change any time soon. However they cannot stop you from working, you are an adult! There was a time where I couldn't find work and the bills had to be paid, but I landed myself a job working on a cruise line, I didn't need money for bills as all was paid and my wages went straight in to the bank meaning I could save for when I was home again. You need to try and think outside of the box and figure out what it is that will work for you. The cannot control you forever.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 July 2018):
 I've been away for a week. I'm glad that you wrote back to us. I understand your complaints about Catholicism. It's not so much that you aren't allowed to think for yourself as that they are sure you will get it wrong when you do. I noticed you didn't comment on the CCR (Catholic Charismatic Renewal) I've known people in that group and the were very happy.
The main thing I wanted to mention to you is that the military is very interested in people with language skills. You would likely end up in intelligence. The only way to know where you might fit in the armed forces is to take the ASVAB Test. Your local recruiter can help with that. The ASVAB (armed services vocational aptitude battery) is a good way to predict what jobs you would do well at.
Students who do a tour in the armed services first tend to do better in college. Learning schedule and discipline makes for better grades.
Your parents are making a mistake. It has been said that controlling young people is like trying to hold water in your fist. The tighter you squeeze the more escapes.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): Dear Aunts and Uncles:I’m sorry it took me so long to respond, I would like to give you and update and answer your questions. I responded to most of you who asked and I plan to respond for more.(1) Code Warrior: I would LOVE to become independent and move out on my own, that is why I want a year off. I honestly don’t know how I could get scholarships because I’m not academically strong at all. My parents tried helping me apply for some but no one wanted to give me anything because I didn’t have enough to offer. I asked about a loan, but they won’t co-sign and I’m apparently “too young” to get one without a co-signer. The problem with saving up to move out is that because of their rules, I was always only allowed to work summers and when I tried to save for a car, they started charging me bills so high I was actually OWING them money. When I complained they said, “Not so easy then? You can go back to your money being your money if you admit you’re not ready to move out”. They have made it clear that they will make it as difficult as possible for me to save to move out or to even save and get a car. They’re convinced that every “problem student” they had was a problem because their parents gave them too much space/too much freedom (or not enough guidance/bad parenting). There literally IS no way to live with them and save but I can’t GET a place without saving. If you can think of possible solutions for the Catch-22, let me know.(2) Fatherly Advice: I would LOVE to move out but it’s impossible to save when I’m only allowed to work summers and minimal hours at that. When I tried saving for a car, they started charging me for everything (even the furniture in my room and toiletries) until I was OWING them money. They did it to prove a point that I couldn’t afford to live on my own right out of high school. Or to prove a point that I would never be able to afford a car. I’m not sure how other people did it in HS but other people’s parents let them work more hours and helped them find low-cost cars and so on. My parents aren’t against the military at all, my third-oldest sister didn’t go to college because she signed up for the Air Force her senior year in the school cafeteria. She’s four years older so I wasn’t there, but someone alerted my parents and an argument ensued. They wanted her to go to college right away and then join the military but so far, the Air Force has been good to her. Catherine is actually Security Force! I don’t know if it’s for me though, what would I do? Become a Spanish interpreter there I guess? Not sure if I want to go in a war zone either.(3) Wise Owl: I definitely do not want to “trip my parents out”, that is why I want to be far, far away when I study Wicca – so they won’t find out! I said earlier that on school/church trips they’ve always chaperoned and made us stay the night in their room and wouldn’t let us ride the bus with the others but that’s actually because of the Tarot Card Incident. That was my freshman year, when our Youth Group went to D.C. to March For Life. It was free time where we could all (everyone on the trip) go to the hotel pool, walk around the hotel itself or just actually go into each other’s rooms as long as the doors were opened (they had chaperones stationed outside the doors). I was talking to three friends and one pulled out the Tarot and was doing a reading. It matched my situation PERFECTLY and I didn’t even give the girl the details. My mom heard about it and lost it. She also found the magnetite bracelet a friend had given me for protection against evil spirits and freaked out. I want to study Wicca because it’s always been interesting to me and less oppressive than the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church doesn’t let you think for yourself at all and it’s actually pretty anti-woman. All it does is control people by shaming. There’s many things I don’t like about it :-((4) Anonymous Poster – It’s not so much that my parents don’t want to have to drive up four hours (and back) each way, it’s that they want to MAKE SURE to see me every weekend. Ever since my oldest sister went to college, they wanted to make sure we ALL spent the weekends at home. They were that scared of rebellion and especially of us leaving The Church. Since she’s 10 years older than I, I barely remember when Anne came out of the closet, just that instead of going up for Christmas, we came up to help her pack. She was really upset and was talking about how she’d been so happy when she was in college and how they ruined it. I didn’t know what she was talking about at the time. It was not until years later that she told me that some of the people in her college who knew our parents just couldn’t keep their mouths shut when they found out about it. She told me years later that she had to convince our parents that she had only come out because she was confused and that she wasn’t really lesbian after all. That was the only way they agreed to let her go back away to college to finish her bachelor’s degree. I don’t get to talk to her much because she lives across the country. My parents know she’s out of the closet NOW and they’ve accepted it to the point where THEY come visit her but none of us are allowed to go. She’s been invited down to see us but she always refuses. It’s sad.(5) Aunt Honesty, I would LOVE to be on my own, but it is impossible to do that when I live under my parents’ rule. I tried working and saving but they nickeled and dimed me out of being able to even buy a car. When I tried to save for that, they charged me for everything just to prove a point. They make it impossible to save and move out because they don’t want me to move away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): Your parents want to be your support network and you will be surprised just how many other college and university students have parents who also want to be their offsprings support network.After trying to do everything they can for you they just cant help wanting to do a little more and bless them they are prepared to pay for it!Being teachers they have worked their butts off trying to educate others and the pay they get is nothing for the hours they put in but it gives them a living and just about covers the bills.They must have put college money away for years and they have plenty more youngstars to pay for.Now here you are: Young, fresh and keen for adventure.But you are naive.By virtue of being looked after you are naive.You havent had a tough street life of squalor, thank goodness and your folks are rightfully proud of you.But they know that you can be conned and manipulated by cynical individuals who you have had the good fortune never to meet.A wise youngstar would try to keep the parents on board.You are the child of two hardworking parents who put their money where there mouth is and all they want in return is a few happy moments with you now and again!Let wicca keep itself for now.There's no help in there right now for you.Rather, I can imagine bizarre ceromonies of naked tree hugging and unleashing and so on.Being young and innocent you are easily duped into believing what is and isnt normal so stick with the religion you know and later when you have finished studying and have a wiser head on your shoulders just do a little reading not bizarre ceremonies and mutterings and behaving like phoebe from charmed.Try to make university a transitional step in your life that has an end purpose in sight which is a job you will enjoy doing.You dont have to throw away everything you know to get something out of uni.You dont have to find out who you are because you already are who you are.You just need to mature a little.But keep your folks on board with you because they intend to stick it out through thick and thin for you.Dont mistake others envy of your parents hard work for what they believe in...because some people would say : "how did they do it!" It seems a hard life to you but they kept you clothed, homed, fed and watered for all your life up until now.So if they want to take you out and hear your news why not make sure its a place thats fun for everyone even the little ones.I think you have a romantic edge to you so you might delve into writing but be careful of people who aim to exploit you.You will find something thats suitable for you but even though you work part-time and study you seem to be on a par with everyone else.You dont have to prove you are different.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 June 2018):
I went to college and made my own decisions from the age of 17. Now I did not have strict parents and I had my own privacy but the difference with me is I funded myself to go to college. If you want your parents to fund your education then you simply need to follow there rules and structures. If you want to be an independent adult in the world then you need to move out and fund life yourself because unfortunately that is what it will be like living on your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018): From the sounds of it, I think going to a college that’s out of state would be good for you. You can reassure your parents that you won’t expect them to drive up and see you every week. You can explain to them that you would be happy to see them every couple of months, or however often they would like to come and visit and that you will make an effort to come back and visit them too every so often.
Don’t try weed. There is nothing to gain from that.
And in terms of career advice, maybe consider combining Spanish with another skill, e.g. business studies. There are a lot of people in the world that grow up speaking both Spanish and English, but adding another skill on top will give you a real edge in the jobs market.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018): Sorry, I am in agreement with your parents. My husband and I started saving for each of our children's college costs as soon as they were conceived. We don't want them to have to work their way through college because we want them to focus on their studies. We do not want them to "take a break" either because it's too hard to get back into a structured environment. Think back to the brain-drain so many experience after summer vacations during elementary and high school! Also, as I said, college is structured. You'll be attending classes, studying, MAYBE doing work-study a few hours a week possibly student activities. You'll be way too busy to get into trouble. Going from virtually no privacy and freedom to being able to do whatever you wish is NOT going to be good for you.Factor in the fact that you're looking to go as far away as possible to prevent them to know what you are up to is a huge red flag for me. You have plans already to look into the occult and to start smoking marijuana. That in and of itself tells me that you are not ready to leave home at all. You sound like you need constant supervision and your parents know it.What is attractive about Wicca to you? It actually has many parallels with the Catholic Church, so what is your REAL reason? Is it because Wicca allows you to do what you want as long as you do not hurt anyone? Well, think about this: it would hurt your parents deeply if you were to leave the Catholic Church in the first place. I would suggest you start getting as involved in your original church as much as possible, learn as much as possible. You might find that instead of changing your place of worship to match your behavior, you need to change your behavior to match your place of worship.You can go to community college and find yourself at the same time. We do not want our children to be independent at 18 because we want to make sure they get a a degree and a steady career before they move out on their own. We want to get them through and past the stage in their life where they want to break away from the family and the values we instilled in them. Your parents don't want you to stray either. Remember, you have three little siblings to set an example for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018): Most people I know who took time-off after high school never went to college. Once they were two or three years older than all the other freshman; they felt discouraged about going.
From Catholicism to Wicca? You truly want to trip your parents out, don't you?
Call one of your sisters; see if there is a nearby school. Apply for grants and scholarships. Get a job near the school.
If you pay for your own education and support yourself; you don't have to depend on your parents.
It's tough surviving out there when you're 21; let alone fresh out of high school.
Listen to your parents and do what they ask the first two years of college. Then find another school, transfer credits, and work to pay your own way.
My prediction? You'll end-up coming back home.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 June 2018):
The most common advice given to teen who want to break away from their patents is,
Move Out
Get a Job
Pay your own bills.
That may seem harsh, but if you want to convince your parents that you can be responsible with out their everyday guidance. Then you show them by doing it.
As a long term dad I have a little personal advice for you. Don't abandon your spiritual life too quickly. In fact if you can find a charismatic catholic group, that would be a very nice step away for you.
Next stay away from Marijuana and alcohol. They don't enhance your freedom. Quite the opposite actually.
Call your parents every week or at least every month. Not visit. My daughter went to university 7 hours away. But my sister lived in that city so she had a safety cushion.
And one other thing that just popped into my mind: how do they feel about military?
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