A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a loving, faithful and caring person. We have been in a relationship for 6 months and dated for 6 months before that. We have good communication, friendship, chemistry and sexual compatibility. Everything is great except for his excessive complaining. For e.g., we were going out to a party and he had a problem with my jeans being ill-fitting, my top being too frilly (I thought both looked nice) and that I wear my hair a certain way. During the party, he came to me insisting that I change my hair and wear it different. And this is not a one-time incident. It gets really annoying because I end up feeling like crap, not good enough for him. Thing is this is who he is as a person, someone who complains about little things in life and doesn't realize his actions. Although none of this changes what a good person I think he is nor my love for him. I just don't know if I should expect him to change or let him find the woman he wouldn't have so many complaints about. I am worried about the resentment he would have towards me after marriage...when life becomes hard or when I go out of shape, all wrinkly etc. I just want to feel like he feels lucky to have found me, not some downgraded version of who he wants.So I spoke to him about his complaining and how it makes me feel. He felt sorry for his behavior and said he accepts me for who I am. He said he realizes he is critical and complaining but told me that I am the best thing that has happened to him. And that after being with me he feels he has never truly loved anyone before... He said the same to his friends about how happy he is with me, how he has never experienced this kind of relationship before. I even found out that he is thinking of marriage. His complaining has definitely improved in the past 1 year. I am just not sure if it is right to expect him to change...or even possible for him to change. We are great for each other in many ways so I cannot decide how important this is going to be in the long term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018): You have to modify the behavior. There was a funny idea a friend of mine and I came up with. We bought a couple of misting bottles. We have a few habits that we do that drive each other nuts. We spent a good number of days together; while I was helping him to renovate his kitchen and adjoining half-bath. He likes to fart out-loud, and hum afterwards. After three days of this disgusting habit; I had to find something other than constantly nagging him about it.
I have a tendency to put things away before he was finished using it. A tool, a tile, grout, or a bucket. I changed the channel on his radio. I'm not too crazy about country music!
Heavy metal gives me a headache; and I'm afraid it might summon the devil!
If I didn't pickup after him; it was left in the middle of the floor to trip over. I didn't want to lose a toe! He was furious with me. We got out the misting bottles. Every-time somebody did something annoying we got a spritz in the face with cold water. We had to agree to this. We high-fived at the end of a workday; if nobody did anything annoying. We rewarded each other with a six-pack of our favor beer.
In a week and a half, we were a machine. We stayed out of each others way, left tools in places they belonged; and he took Beano after eating Mexican for lunch.
You can make him drop a five or ten dollar bill in your piggy bank every-time he hurts your feelings. Call him out then and there, when he goes into one of his tirades.
It will get expensive, and he will be a lot more conscious of what he's saying to you. If he starts whining unnecessarily, or goes on a rant criticizing everything. Get out the bank! Keep a running tab on his complaints, and make him pay-up!
Draw-up a little contract; and whatever you do that drives him bonkers, you have to do the same. Praise each other as time progresses; and you see less and less of the unwanted behavior. You can take him to his favorite restaurant, do something extra-sexy, or let him spend half the cash-stash.
You can also compromise by asking for some suggestions on how he'd like you to wear your hair, or let him shop with you; and do a fashion show to see what he likes. Then let him pay for it! Buy what you like, of course! Let him pay for a styling salon and makeover. There's mutual benefit in that deal!
You don't have to take critique or suggestions as a criticism every-time they're offered. There is such a thing as being oversensitive; and you may have actually put together a lousy outfit from time to time. Better your boyfriend tells you, than overhear it discussed between a couple of women at a party; or sitting in a stall at an upscale restaurant. "That frumpy blouse, seriously?" "Where did she get that bargain-bin outfit?" "Did you see that guy she's with, he could use the Fab Five makeover!"
We all make a few fashion faux pas; and we'd rather hear it from the person we came with, not someone who didn't realize you were only two feet away!
I wore a jacked-up tie, and caught wind of a conversation after a meeting. "Did you see that funky tie? Girrrrl!" I waited a few seconds, then passed them by. Both women froze and went silent. What could I say? I'm the boss, but they were soooo right! I looked at that thing in the mirror in the men's room. I don't know why I chose that of all ties?!!
I don't know where or when I bought it!!!
Too much criticism is also how people assert their control. They first make you feel insecure or self-conscious; then it progresses to telling you what to do, how to do it, and when. Nothing you do is good enough. He is becoming one, or both of his parents!
If you honestly feel he's too critical, and doesn't seem to filter it well. I'd say that's cause for pause! Marriage might not be in the horizon. It wouldn't be for me. I don't like being controlled; nor do I like being picked apart for every little thing I say or do. I feel you there!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 June 2018):
 In your shoes I would look more at your reactions than his actions. If this is a habit he has got into over the course of many years, then it will be hard to break completely. However, your reaction can help minimize the effect it has on you, which is where the main problem lies.
When he criticizes something you are wearing, say "You don't like it? That's a shame, but I do like it which is why I wore it. I happen to think it looks nice." and then move on to something else.
Or just TELL him he is doing "that thing" again and glare at him. He will soon get the message if you refuse to be controlled in this way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2018):
 Nope, people never change. You need to decide if this is something you can accept in life or not. And I dont think he has improved, more likely you have just grown accustomed to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2018):
 Just learn to call him out on it and tell him NO. If he says - you have to change your hair, you tell him no. And remind him that he is "doing that critical complaining again". I think in time, IF you keep calling him on it he can -re-train" his brain to stop doing this.
If this has gone down in the last year, then he IS trying. Maybe he grew up with a very critical mom or dad (or both) He isn't going to change overnight.
So, you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or not.
If it is NOT a deal-breaker for you, then you need to accept it as part of who he is and WORK with him on reducing this behavior.
If you think this IS a deal-breaker if it doesn't stop ASAP, then break up.
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