A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About a month ago I broke up with my then-boyfriend. We had been together for a year and a half at that point (it was an online relationship), but he was not good for me for a number of reasons, most obviously because he is 31 years older than me. (I am 19.) I was very foolish because I could see the negative things about him all the time we were together - he's never had a relationship last longer than 2 years; his children - all of whom are older than me - don't talk to him and he says it's because his ex brainwashed them against him but I don't believe him; he's had problems with alcoholism and drug use; he's been arrested multiple times for being drunk and fighting; he has a major victim complex and always has a reason why his problems are someone else's fault; he tends to be kind of a womanizer; the list goes on - and even though I could see all of that, I either ignored it or made excuses for him.During the course of the "relationship," at his insistence I did some things that I really didn't want to and that I regret letting him push me into. He wanted me to talk dirty to him on IM, and I refused for a while, but he doesn't take no for an answer, and eventually I did it just to make him shut up. It felt totally awkward and I hated it because I didn't know what to say (I'm a virgin and have never even been kissed and he knows this). I've taken off my clothes on webcam for him, again because he doesn't take no for an answer. He talked me into looking at a picture of his penis and later into watching him get himself off on webcam. It was all kind of gross and made me feel cheap and I really hate even typing this and remembering it all. I can't believe I fell for his guilt trips (stuff like "Don't you love me? Sex is part of a healthy relationship, I want to show you my body because it belongs to you, I'm a physical person and this is how I show my love...") and let him make me feel like I owed this to him. I guess my only explanation is that I'm naive, and stupid. It makes me absolutely sick to go over all of this in my mind again. I spent my first several months at college holed up by myself, skypeing with this sleazebag for hours every day, instead of going out and meeting people and doing things. And now I get really angry every time I think of him. I thought he loved me for who I am, and now realize he only said he loved me because I'm 19 and a virgin. God. He got me to do all this stuff that I look back on with shame (and didn't even enjoy), and I wasted so much of my time and my heart on him. I just... I'm pissed. Is it normal to feel really, really mad, looking back on this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2012):
 Why wouldn't you feel angry?
Start practicing compassion for yourself. No one is perfect. No one gets through life without making some sort of miscalculation or mistake. It'll be okay. You're not involved with him any more. You figured it out. (Didn't you post A LOT about this guy? I think I remember you. I'm so glad you figured it out.)
I hope you are now going out and meeting people.
Put the loser behind you and enjoy your 'revenge': living well! Be with people, get to know them, learn new things and grow and expand your world view and experience.
As Auntie Mame says to Agnes Gooch: LIVE!!!
Off you go.
And don't forget to do your homework. ;)
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 January 2012):
 Yes, it is normal to feel angry, but like another aunt said, I think you're mostly angry with yourself for allowing someone to use you and put you at risk.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2012):
 yes it's normal to be mad, sad, angry, embarrassed etc etc etc..
you are not a loser
you are not shameful
and if you were my child i would hug you and tell you what a jerk he is and take you for lunch and shopping...
you are young and trusting and fell prey to an internet predator...
let it go if you can
we all make stupid mistakes when we are young
then we get old and we make less mistakes but we still make them we just learn that it's not the end of the world when we do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Ofcourse it is, he made a fool of you big-time and you let him, you did everything he asked and are ashamed of now.Your angry at yourself because of this.
Don't think anymore about it, you've learned a hard lesson, now let it go.This lowlife scumbag isn't worth anymore of your time or energy.
Enjoy college and your new life.
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A
female
reader, Waves +, writes (6 January 2012):
 it is normal to feel duped by a manipulative confidence trickster.
I always feel that those closest to you know you very well. His own children have had enough of him. He monopolized your time and cheated you out of time when you should have been making new friends and enjoying life.
Yes of course you are angry that he managed to wear you down. It has been a great life lesson. Horrible way to learn those life lessons.
The relationship was unequal in so many ways.
He made you feel uncomfortable.
He undermined your trust in you.
He made you compromise your values.
Yes he was a sleazy old con man.
So how will you behave next time to protect your integrity and prevent this situation ever repeating itself?
Perhaps consider some of the following suggestions, to see which ones work for you:
1. A genuine guy should be willing to invite you to attend events where his friends AND their girlfriends will be present. If you don't like any of his friends that is a warning sign that all is not as it seems.
If he has not friends at all then walk away - everyone cannot be wrong about him.
2. Look at how he interacts with his friends and his family. If he is disrespectful to them then it will not be long before he is the same with you. So walk away while you still have the chance.
3. Anyone want you to do something? Then ask yourself ïs this good for me or only good for the other person/is this what I really want? - if NOT then say NO and Mean it. And if he will not accept NO then do not allow yourself to be worn down. Just Walk Away while you can.
4. Guilt trips? That someone MANIPULATING you. If a guy or a girl tries that then walk away. It will only get worse.
5. NO means NO. If a guy will not accept the first NO then he will not accept the 175th NO. When a partner will not accept NO then they are already signalling that they do not respect you. When that happens then WALK AWAY for your own self preservation.
You are not cheapened by this Cheap Loser. Instead you have learnt some valuable lessons to protect you better in the future.
I wish you the best
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