A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 43 year old divorced woman dating a 46 year old divorced man for a year. We have each been divorced for years. I've had 2 relationships before him. One with a man who was a jackass and treated me badly, but whom I loved so very much...I could only seem to focus on the good things about him. My boyfriend dated a bunch of different women (he's been divorced longer) and has carried on long distance relationships, relationships with women who don't have their **** together, women who were needy and selfish, and women who got drunk all the time and called him at work to leave early and come pick them up, which he willingly did. He spent well over 5 years with the drunk, even lived with her. She was a slob, expected him to pay her way, only wanted sex when she was drunk (which was all the time, so I guess that worked for him!)...for goodness sake she even called him to come change the batteries in the TV remote. Now, I'm not a bragger, but you need to know that I am caring, loyal, self sufficient, honest, and very giving. I absolutely pull my wieght in this relationship. I keep his favorite beer and mixed drinks at my house at all times, I cook for him all the time, I deliver meals to him at work, I give great massages, and I always look nice and am happy and friendly when we are together. I really like him a lot and love him as well. He is EXTREMELY busy, and as time goes on I am learning that much of the reason for that is that he is completley unorganized. But he does not see it at all. AT ALL! I see a therapist and he and a good friend of mine think he may be an adult with ADD. Let me tell you, I cannot tell him this. He is so incredibly sensitive if ANYTHING negative is said...and I am articulate and kind when I do say something that may not be pleasant. He still takes it as if I am some kind of rude, horrible you-know-what. He even told me last night that I was hurting his feelings with all of my "lashing out." Mind you, my lashing out was telling him that I would have liked to come to his house and help him clean up a bit instead of him doing it alone, if it meant that I could see him that day. An example of his inablitiy to focus on things significant is this: He has 9 million things to do that are so much more important, and he is very concerned that his TV, which is on a lovely console table in his den, should be mounted on the wall ablove the console table instead of ON the console table (that took him 10 months to choose and purchase). This would put the TV 3 entire inches higher than it is now at a cost of about $100 and lots of time that he doesn't have. Things wen't so badly last night that I ended up caving, apologizing for hurting him and promising that I will not offer my help anymore and that I completely understand that he wants to take care of his own house and own things without help from me. It's CRAZY! I want to be part of someone's life. I am at a point in my life that I know that any man I meet will most likely have a house and kids like I do and that that will entail spending some time at a kids baseball game of putting the Christmas tree away together just to get some time together. I feel like he just wants me to sit around and wait for him to be all done with his projects (which will be never) and then we can go out on a nice date. Well, it's been a year. We are not kids. I want to get married again. This doesn't seem like it's heading there if I'm not allowed in his regular life, just the "cleaned up and perfect" version that I'm allowed to see. I should mention, too that he has no food in his house and when I go there, there is not so much as one diet coke for me to drink when I regularly shop and purchase his favorites and treat him like a king. I'm frustrated. Any thoughts?
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at work, christmas, divorce, drunk, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 I agree the guy is not what you want. I say, pay attention to the other posters and say goodbye to him.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 My thoughts? You're too good for him. You are a giver, and he is an ignorant taker. For a while it works great for you, the giver, as he needs you to give so much all the time. It makes you feel needed and wanted and necessary in his life. It's like you get off on taking care of him. Why else would you bother cooking for him, keeping his favourite foods in the house, delivering food to him like some sort of take away service. I mean why? You're surely not getting anything similar in return. But you aren't complaining about THAT, you are complaining about how he doesn't have time for you. Because as a giver you are perfectly happy letting people walk over you, at least for a while, as long as you feel loved and needed. When you don't get to see him much you feel less loved, and more like a take away service. Well... he's been treating you this way all along, him being busy isn't something he recently started with, being unorganized isn't new.
So no, he wont get any better. And I see no reason to expect that he would have. You've been with him long enough now to know that there were no changes going on, if there were you'd see them in the first week or two.
You need to either settle with the situation as it is... or move on from him. He isn't giving you what you need, and I don't think you'll be happy with this guy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2012):
 ADD folks are really really BAD at relationships... in general... we don't do relationships well, we don't manage our time or resources or money well at all.
we tend to be grossly underacheving at things in general and look lazy stupid or crazy. (that's the name of a book about ADHD "You mean I'm not lazy stupid or crazy")
if you are getting nothing out of this why are you trying so hard? do you think that pure love devotion and attention can fix him or the relationship?
what happens when you stop rowing the relationship boat? does it move forward or does it just float for a bit on momentum and then does it stop? You don't know you've never stopped being the only one doing the work in the relationship have you?
you can't change him or fix him.
my thought is if after a year it's not progressing the way you want it's time to cut bait and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): This is a guy who lives single and has for sometime. What you see or deem lazy, is a system that works to him.If cleanliness, order, perfection matters so much to you, clearly you are a mismatch.As a woman may bristle that a man is trying to change her by telling her she should dress more sexy- the same of a man to bristle if a woman says to him, you should clean up more.And Men in general do not like the 'helpful' woman that wants to 'change' him.What I see in your issues/complaints are not deal breakers but what is evident is to you they are.And who cares about his Ex who was a drunk and had to have him change batteries? Irrelevant.I also think you are reading all of his 'unthoughtfulness' of having no diet coke in his fridge whereas you are the perfect hostess and can have consideration for him with well stocked fridge of beer...Because you do this for him, he should for you? So you arent genuine about it,its about tit for tat, keeping score, finding fault...OY!So you are different people with different priorities on what matters. I would not see that or chose to be offended by that whole fridge thing by any means. He's a Dude and even my Fiance, doesn't have a well stocked fridge as he lives as single man and its easier for him to head to the corner store to get what he needs, when he needs. Sure it costs more but that is something not worth changing. Its his money.Now I did say that when we are married, we will actually shop and do grocery lists and budget right? ONCE. He laughed and admitted it seems to be women are BETTER at such things. I told him yes, my Mother taught me how to budget and shop and being a single Mother; I have learnt to make my dollar stretch more. Its not an issue.If you are so AMAZING and he is not up to your standards- what are you doing with him? What are you doing complaining about it? You dated this man for a year. By your own choice.He isn't treating you poorly. I don't see that at all.I just see you want and expect something of him his personality and habits suggest you would have to CHANGE him to fit what you WANT from a MAN. And thats not fair or healthy.I say its time to pull the plug.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): He's him, he isn't going to change much if at all at this late stage, nor are you. He likes his home and routine and his own space.And lets face it,it works for him and he seems to find women ok.
You sound like your the total opposite to him, organised, got your routine,job,home in order. Thats how you like your life.You can be the most loving,kindest partner in the world but it doesn't mean he will fit in with your plans or future.
I would talk, with him, tell him how you feel, what you want,then listen to what he says. If he isn't prepared to compramise or change his ways, then move on and find a man who meets your needs and is an equal partner for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Yes, I have thoughts on this matter. I think that after 12 months you need to accept that you and he have different goals, and are on different paths.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Maybe part of the reason that he does not want you to see any kind of dissorder in his life is because unlike the women that he dated in the past,you do have your shit together. It seems like he is used to dating woman that he can feel superior to and he doesnt date people that he is intimidated by. Maybe he gets angry when you offer to help because he thinks that you are looking down on him for things and he is just over sensitive.
If that is the case it is neither your fault nor your problem and if he is the kind of guy that is going to yell at you and be rude because of his insecurities then that is not the kind of guy that you want to marry. He can not make you bend to his will because you are scared to lose him,if you do that you will only lose yourself.
You will find love and you will not end up alone and as hard as it is to leave someone you love, it will only get harder the longer you stay.
You need to sit down and talk to him and explain that you want to be a part of his life, and not just the happy go lucky part, all of it. If he can not except that then your relationship will never be what you want it to be and you will spend the rest of your time with him scared to talk to him about things because you think he will blow up at you,and you will not have a healthy relationship.
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