A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am with the man of my dreams!! He does have a past for watching porn, and we have discussed it and he is trying his best to stop, and i'm so very proud of the efforts he has made to stop. I went though the porn problem with my ex, as he was truly addicted and when he broke up with me, he told me he wanted a girl like in the porn movies, and i wasnt sexy enough for him. I've tried not to let that affect me in my current relationship, but I fear it will happen again. i get so irritated and jealous when my man stares at other girls when we are out. an occasional look does not bother me...it's when he stares at some girl showing off her cleavage that bothers me, and tries to come up with the excuse "well all guys do it" when i confront him. i've talked to him about it, and i even make comments when we watch TV or see something on the magazine rack that makes me uncomfortable. i have a good self-esteem, but his habits arent helping. yesterday he said very sincerely "i dont need to look at other women. i have all my goods right here. what good is it to look at it when you can't have it?" i want to believe him! i still have trust issues and even looked through his phone the other day with him there beside me. he bought a new boat and sent the pic to his buddy and said "new boat-hot girls on the lake!" i understand guys will always be that way with their guy friends, but later i made the comment "guys will look at anything with boobs! boys will be boys until they finally decide to grow up to be men!" that's when he got quiet and responded with the previous statement about "the goods"
View related questions:
boobs, broke up, jealous, my ex, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wisdomwoman +, writes (8 July 2008):
Being that jealous is quite normal, unfortunately, it's a very painful way to live. You can't protect yourself from how others will act. When you have placed your peace of mind and security and power in someone ELSE's hands, you are the loser. And they don't even want to have your power, They want You to have it.
You are lucky to be addressing this problem while you're so young. It is an extremely important issue to work on within yourself. The answer doesn't lie in the man you're with. Hopefully a man will mature in their loving ways of you, and rid themselves of outward crudity... but a man doesn't lose that same boyish attraction and love of beautiful women, no matter how old, no matter how much he loves his lady. It is an internal way men are "wired up". Certainly they can learn to be careful not to stare blatantly, or look at porn in your presence. But what is important here is how you love each other. How does he Love you. Love and sexual attraction are different things. He's trying to tell you how you're important to him. There aren't too many men out there who actually leave their lady for a porn star, so that is a fear you can put to rest. Start to place more focus on loving yourself, exactly as you are. And love your guy As he is right now. With all his faults and humanity, Love him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I don't know Diovan. Do you think that she is one person or are they possibly breeding and there is an entire hive of them? You don't suppose that the man who she just broke up with is the beautiful 6 ft 2 French boyfriend who is moving to another country to be with her, do you? Perhaps this is one of her hive mates. Hmmmm.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I'm still blaming Bill Gates....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Hi Ms female reader, anonymous, (19 June 2008),
Glad to see you back. I nearly missed you this time. You still haven't got over your hate for women and the whole human race. I must assure you that I'm all woman, even though I hold views that you find repulsive.
People like me, lotusmama, and Covent Garden Girl have ton's of self confidence, that's why we're not bothered by a little bit of porn use by men. They have their hobbies and so do we. Are you sure your a woman, it's just that we aint frightened to hide who we are, we all got names and profiles. Why don't you register so we can talk this out on a one-to-one basis. You don't have to be scared, we won't bite. I've told you before how concerned I am about your mental health. But you've probably tried and Dear Cupid keeps rejecting you as a dangerous nutcase. No problem, I'll look out for you, whenever you post.
Oh yea I looked up the website npsupport.net, I think I found your husband. He was staying in a hotel room all his own crying cause you told him to give up porn. You better comfort him honey cause I think he's loosing the battle.
Don't be worried about all us women out here that don't a little bit of porn. We're ok thank you. Just you go look after your husband who hates porn as much as you do. Thanks for your concern, but I think us women-men are doing just fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I have to agree with most of the responders. My boyfriend is probably the biggest porn watcher EVER!!!! He even has naked girls as the wallpaper on his phone. I'm nothing special to look at, but something my boyfriend and his friends told me and it stuck was: sperm is toxic. If you let it build up it causes a lot of emotional issues. For example: anger and stress. I realized that unfortunatly, try as we women might, there is no possible way to satisfy your man every time he becomes horny. So if getting off to porn makes him happy and relieves that anger and stress so i dont have to deal with it, then LET HIM! At least it prevents him from getting off with other women. If it does really make you uncomfortable, as it did me, ask him to watch it when your not around. It seems like a good compromise is in order, that way no one feels like they gave up something.
...............................
A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Anon you are absolutely right! Had this girl expressed that she suspects her man being addicted to porn, tha would be a whole different issue. She didnt. If it were to the point where he was hiding an addiction, then it's a problem. I dont condone men watching porn over being with theri girls, at all. Fact is, a majority of men do it, and I'm sure you werent with those guys you say "quit porn" every second of the day, you just scared them and they hid it from you. I'm sorry to say, really, but it's true. I'd rather have a partner feel like he can be honest with me than have one that hides secrets from me, you know? However, when it's an addiction, then yes, it IS a problem. I just dont think her boyfriend is at that point.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): There are posters on here that sound like men responding and disguised as women, or is it that women are just so spineless and brainwashed by this society that they will put up with this bullshit? I have had several boyfriends that didn't look at or need porn and you could tell the difference when you were out in public with them because they hadn't 'trained' their brain to look at every female that walks through their field of vision. Now, I did just break up with a man that is absolutely addicted to porn and it is as devastating and destructive as any other addiction, perhaps even more. It is a progressive disease. He progressed to the point that he couldn't perform sexually, he lost friends, his successful business went under, and I left him, the woman he professed to love more than any he ever had before. If you still don't believe porn can be a problem, and that there are no men that don't look at porn, go to npsupport.net you will find plenty of information there to let you make a healthy decision for you and confirm that you are not an overly jealous female that has a problem, it is the guys that have the problem. Considering this board is on the internet you will find a majority of the men and women that respond here spend a considerable amount of time surfing the net and most likely using porn, so they will be quick to defend it. It is not necessary, it is adultery of the mind and it is destructive.......good luck to you and stay true to your heart or you will not be happy. Stick to your guns and find the man that will respect you enough to say, I don't need that, they DO exist! I actually feel sorry for the women who are ok with their men spending time with porn that should be spent with them, they don't know any better.
...............................
A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (19 June 2008):
Wow, a whole lot of people seem to take this situation too seriously. Here's my opinion: You are insecure. I didnt think so untill I saw that you looked through his phone-even if he was there, I know, you were probably hoping to find some dirt so you could question him about it, and possibly catch him in a lie. Part of the reason you cant trust anyone is because you dont have the proper self esteem. I always tell my sweetie (who LOOOVES to look at other girls) that if he wants them, its HIS loss. I tell him "good luck finding another girl who loves you like I do, who will cook like I can, bare 2 kids and keep my tiny figure like I have, who is as good in bed as I am, and still have the ability to carry a decent conversation like I do." Sounds egotistic, but true! Those porn star girls are ditsy, heartbreaking, and never usually end up being a good girlfriend. I wouldnt worry about it too much. Eventually, he will leave you for harping on him too much. I know it hurts to find your honey has an addiction to porn, but if you make it a heavy issue, he will start to lie about it, and hide things from you. You dont want him to fear you. He seems like a good guy. Learn to roll your eyes and say "you wish" when he gawks at other females;-)
...............................
A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I think you are overreacting to the porn issue. I am sure from the sound of it he is fully satisfied with you as you are. I think it is a habit that he and a lot of men including myself will always have to varing degrees. It is just a fantasy, nothing for you to be insecure about. No one would really want to mess with those girls anyway, they are screwed up in the head. good luck with you man
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Men who's bodies still make testosterone can be broken down into 2 groups:
Those who look at porn and/or good looking women when out.
Those who lie and tell their partners who can't stand it that they don't look at porn and/or good looking women when out.
Now you can start to look at hot men whan out with him to show him what it's like, but if he has any self-confidence you may find out that it does not bother him when you do that. Now what will you do?
Type in "porn" in the search box at the top right of the screen and spend the next couple of months reading everything that you could ever want to see discussed and argued on the subject.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I've already gone through this issue with several posters. I'm sorry, but I'm too exhausted to go through the whole thing again with you. Browse the Dear Cupid site, and you will find a million and one women with this same problem. Look under pornography, and you will find out all the advice you need for your problem.
For me, it basically comes down to several questions. Can your man give up porn? If he can't are you willing to leave him over the issue? How insecure are you, can you find some compromise that will allow him to watch porn? What if he breaks his promise? What happens if he promises to give up porn and starts looking at it at a later date, will you feel betrayed, will you feel that he has lied. How good is your relationship, can it survive this or are you willing to leave him for a man that dosen't have this vice?".....
This is a very contentious issue on Dear Cupid, and I expect you to get the usual million and one responses supporting either side. For me it depends on how secure you are as a woman and how much you love and value yourself. He has his hobbies, you have yours. Only a blind man can resist looking at a beautiful woman, it's got nothing to do with his love or your attractiveness.
I fear I've wasted my time, as I look in my crystal ball I can see you've already made up your mind and are looking to get rid of him and look for somebody new. The last boyfriend liked porn, this one wanted to give up porn, but couldn't stop looking at attractive women in the street.
Dosen't matter, third one lucky, maybe this one will provide you with the blindness and perfection you seek.
How do I know, how do I know you that you already made up your mind. I couldn't see a question, you just told us your dating a normal guy who likes porn and you get jealous because you got issues. I just couldn't see what you wanted help with. If it's the question in the title, then NO! It's not this normal to be this jealous, you know this you know you got issues around trust that you need to heal, nobody can do it for you. I would feel suffocated and slightly scared if somebody tried to control my body and activities in this way..... But it dosen't matter, you wont listen. To you the issue is his behaviour, his porn use, his eyes, his hands, his ears...nothing to do with you and your slightly screwed view of relationships.
But don't worry, there is a solution, you can leave him and find somebody new who might be able to provide you with the security you seek.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Its quite normal. you actually take jealously alot better than i do. but about the looking at girls, that is really irriating. but most times just ignore it, but when its happening alot, tell him, make him relize that it bothers you. and if that doesnt work, do it to him. make an occasinal comment about a hot guy on tv. or check out a guys butt when you guys go out, and when he says something about it tell him thats how you feel when he does that to you.
Good luck to you!
...............................
|
