A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey y'all. My boyfriend is in the air force, doing special ops. And this requires field training where he goes in the woods and try to basically survive. Well, when we started dating, he was already in, so I couldn't change his mind if I wanted to. My question is, is it normal to want him not to do this? How should I bring it up? I love him, and want him happy, but this isn't making me happy knowing he could get hurt, and I'm really scared about deployment. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): I 110% agree with the first anonymous poster.I'm 18, and my boyfriend is in the Marines. I love the man to death. It'll be seven months passed until I see him again, but all of the constant worrying and tears will have been so worth it! All of the armed forces are a little different, but you generally might not be able to see him or talk to him often (unless you're going through this already). However, you've got to assume that he's going to be just fine. These guys know what they're doing when they join the military. You can't worry (I mean, you can, but think of how he's going to feel if you're in constant panic mode. It won't make him feel very good and it will probably upset him to see you upset) and you just have to tell yourself that nothing will happen. Chances are, nothing will ever happen.It's not easy being a military S/O and that's why you have to make sure that you're able to do it. A lot of the guys in the military get "Dear John" letters and you DON'T want your boyfriend to get one of those because you realized you couldn't deal with the distance/worrying/etc. Have faith in him and support his choices. He's making a great move by joining the military and supporting his country, and when you stand by him with his decision it will make him feel great. Since your boyfriend was already "in" before you started dating, I'm assuming you mean he's already been through the basics. Deployment is a horrible thing, but it is for both sides. He would feel just as much hurt as you would. The main point is... you have to make sure you can handle it. Ask yourself - are you strong enough to overcome the slight possibility that he might get hurt? Are you capable of being able to last through a possible deployment? If you can find yourself saying "yes" without a doubt, then you shouldn't be scared. MAKE SURE you're thinking about him, too. He knew the risks and consequences when he joined, but he also knows he will be okay and hopes that you'll stay by his side and be strong for him. It's one of the toughest things to do, but if you find you can truly do it, it will be one of the most amazing things to him and even to yourself. When my boyfriend comes home, he is deciding to go into law enforcement. I'm also heading into law enforcement, but it does scare me to death that he wants to police in a major city and every second I think I'll find myself praying he doesn't ever get hurt in any way. Then, I think... what am I saying? He's a Marine, he knows what he's doing. Just tell yourself, "I'm dating an Airman, why am I even worried?" What can I say, these military men are dare devils! ;) As for bringing it up with your boyfriend... be careful. If you decide that you MUST bring it up... do it very lightly and try not to worry him. Depending on how you word things, he might get the idea that you can't handle the relationship and that you want to break up. Good luck, I hope you're able to sort things out!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2013):
 I think it's understandable that you worry about him given his job, but I don't think you can tell him what career YOU want him to have. Imagine you want him to be a banker, not in the AF so he gets a discharge and is miserable working in a bank. Is that fair on him? After all HE was already in the AF BEFORE you two met and started dating.
There are no certainties in life. Yes working in the military, police, firefighters and so forth risk their lives as PART of their jobs, and as a partner/spouse that IS hard to live with.
My husband finally retired after 25 years in the Army and there is a day going by where he doesn't miss parts of his job. I don't miss not having to deal with him being gone constantly, deployments, training and so forth - but I DO believe in letting people find what it is they think making them happy (as far as jobs) and reach for the sky.
I would suggest you find some other AF GF's (either through his unit or online forums and get some support and answers.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Well...honestly I don't think you should discourage him from being in the military. Yes, he could be deployed and he could be hurt, that's always a possibility. However, it's also possible that he could be hurt in a car wreck driving to a "safe" job, or robbed by a thief, or get into a fight with one of his co-workers. Our lives inherently come with all sorts of chance and risks, regardless of how we live them, and the best way to deal with that is to accept it as part of life and try and make the time you spend with him as happy as you can.The Military is a wonderful job. Not only does it pay decently, but the benefits are very good and if he stays in long enough, he can retire relatively young and have a very good pension while he's still active enough to enjoy it. He can get free medical care for himself and his spouse and children, too. All in all, the military is one of the BEST employers here in the US right now.Think about this in terms of pros and cons. With the war(s) oversees dying down, the likelihood of him being deployed every year gets less and less, which means he still gets all the bennies of being in the military while having less of a chance of being shipped out.Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't have joined if he really didn't want to. Discouraging him when he's doing something he loves will only cause friction and unhappiness in your relationship.Try and support him. If you can't deal, instead of trying to get him to leave a --VERY-- good career, you might think about dating someone else.
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A
male
reader, sparty the spartan +, writes (11 June 2013):
 im currently in the airforce right now and I will say our special forces get the best training possible so he him self is safe and there are groups at every base that help out with feelings like this and its a normal thing like FA said my ex had the same feelings and him being gone to basic and tech school he will need your help as much as possible sending letters and getting to call you and if god willing your able to see him after basic at lackland will be a huge deal for him like it was for me as long as you feel stable in your relationship right now everything will go smoothly we are a great branch and the wives and family groups will be able to help you with how to cope with deployments very well good luck!!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Interesting that you should ask this question. It really has to do with the biological model. Girls want the strongest most exciting male possible. They seem to be the best protectors. Then reality hits, What you really want is stability. A stable safe accountant could be the best provider. The good news is that he is a lot safer than you think. Good training is there to make what he does possible. The Air Force is the most family friendly of the U S military branches.
To answer your question directly it is perfectly normal to want him not to do it while at the same time being thrilled that he is doing it. I hope I have helped you to understand how that works.
You probably need to find a support group to help you through this. There are many.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship with someone in the armed forces (or in law enforcement, or firefighters, etc.). Military spouses suffer a lot for example and divorce-rates for military couples are very high.I think you need to focus on whether you can live with this, and not on trying to get him change his career for you.Therefore, no, I do not think you should bring this up to him. This is a conversation between you and yourself only.The only productive way to talk to him about this, IMO, is to simply ask him for information on what his job entails so YOU can understand more about it. A lot of times, having more information makes you less scared because it's not so much this big scary unknown where your imagination runs wild imagining the worst. But being in the military especially if he is deployed to a war zone then yes the chance of death or disability is real. If you find that having more information makes you even more scared, then I think this just isn't the right relationship for you. Maybe in the future if and when he gets out of the military on his own and re-enters civilian life, then you can start a relationship with him.
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