A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi all - newbie here!just wonder what people think of their partners having contact with their ex's when there's no real need [kids etc]my longterm boyfriend of 3yrs still emails and chats online with a couple of girls he was involved with, he's a flirt anyway and as we all know it's much easier to flirt when you used to be that way with someone - calling them babe and sexy etcthis bothers me, though i know it shouldnt because i trust him, and love him, and know he loves me - i know i have a problem with jealousy and self esteem.what can i do?it seems unreasonable to ask him not to be in contact with them - since im guessing his previous girlfriend didnt mind either for him to have maintained long distance online relationships with these girls [who are also in relationships themselves].im just eaten up with jeslousy - and it enrages me and drives me to stupid things, like looking at his emails - finding flirty messages to them and stuff.thing is my partner does not think there is anything wrong with still being in contact with them, he even asks if they're over in the uk so they can have a "boozy nite out" - and if we went over to the states he'd want to see them! this to me is absolutely ludicris but i dont want to have to 'put my foot down' and tell him what to do [though if i asked him not to he wouldnt see them- i know], i want him to realise there are boundaries, and that the past shouldnt be so present.i know i shouldnt look at his private emails but i just cant help myself [which i know is no excuse or justification] i regret this and know im in the wrong.i just dont understand why he has these online flirtations which dont seem so innocent to me in light of their history, i dont know how i'd cope if they did visit and he went out with either of them - i wonder would he even reveal who they actually are!he tells me he's only had one proper girlfriend [neither of these 2] but he's never mentioned this one girl he keeps emailing. i've no idea of her significance to him.he also downplays our relationship to them - despite talking to me about our future and marriage etc and on his own initiative too he only begrudgingly accepts that he's "settled down now" and says he is "no way" ready for anything like marriage! which totally contradicts what he says to me, and our other friends here.im hurt and insulted by this. and so confused - i dont know what to do.any comments please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the answers guys.thing that neither of you seem to have noticed is that im prying into his private emails! thats how i know what i do.its not as though he's been open with me about it - well he's told me all about the one girl [they didnt do anything more than date while he was on vacation] the other like i say it just seems he dated while she was at college - and they had lots of boozy nights out [and sex - im guessing from the content of their messages].thing is he calls everyone 'sexy' and 'babe' which is in my opinion inappropriate in itself, but as i say he's a flirty person by nature so i cant expect him to stop that.im so annoyed by the fact he tells them that he's only just settled down [whereas we've been together for 3yrs!] but isnt ready for anything more serious, in terms of commitment - contradicting things he says to me, things he brings up, i dont pressure him to make any longterm plans like some girls do.like i say neither of these girls does he consider 'exs' and only calls the girls he was in a serious relationship with his 'ex' and he's not in any contact with her - i dont know if thats through his choice or hers though as she's now settled with a family of her own.and there's a big difference between tact and not mentioning me at all - he hasnt said anything about me to them, they just know he's in a relationship cos of his myspace profile, and when he's been questioned about it he's downplayed it saying "i suppose". he tells them all about his plans but fails to mention my [significant] part in them.with the one girl there's a fair bit of "do you have any sexy photos of us together?" and "i had a dream about you and we were naked ;)", "we were so wild always drinking and hanging out - you didnt need to get me drunk you should've just asked"...even though its not exactly cybering its not really acceptable is it?
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (17 September 2007):
 Hi
I think you're reading too much into this myself. These exes are in a diff country after all, what more bounderies do you need?
Hes prob only playing down your relationship because he is being tactful with them. Because they are exes. We are all guilty of that sometimes. Its kinda like a sparing peoples feelings even if theres no need to! I dont believe it means we are less keen on our current partner?
If you know that he would stop contact with them for you, then i dont see the problem. Has he been in touch with them for years? Maybe it will fizzle out? I would go more by what hes like with you than being in touch with some exes. Im in touch with all but 1 of my exes and i wont be giving them up as mates in a hurry when i settle down, and my exes live in the area. They would never be more important than a boyfriend but i wouldnt like someone to see them as threat. If i was going to be with an ex, i would be, and not with them ey.
Its down to you at the end of the day though obviously. As long as they dont get into any smut! And if it really does bother you big time, you need to express that to him and chat.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): What you're feeling is completely normal, so don't downplay your emotions and think that you should feel bad for feeling this way. The difference between keeping in casual contact with an ex and making this a threat to your relationship is the way he talks to them (although he says he has only had one serious relationship, he was still involved with these girls, even if it was not serious, so that makes no difference). You say that when you saw his emails, you found 'flirty messages to them', and this is not acceptable. I would be really unhappy with this - alongside the mixed messages he is giving you about your future together, it is no wonder you are feeling insecure. He tells you one thing, then downplays your significance in his life to them - he tells you he is just keeping in contact with them and nothing more, then calls them babe and sexy and sends flirty messages. You have been with him for three years - that is a serious relationship and by this stage he should certainly not be keeping in close contact with his exes or addressing them in this way. If someone has a geniune friend who they used to be in a relationship with, then they don't flirt with them online or act as if they are in a casual relationship when they are not. There is a big difference there and I think you are right to be angry and frustrated by the fact that he is not taking seriously your concerns. I wonder how he would feel if you did the same thing? If you want this relationship to continue, you must tell him how much this upsets you and how you feel that he is taking your feelings for granted. The fact that you feel worried about telling him straight after three years is something that you need to address - you say you have a problem with self esteem, and this cannot be being helped in a relationship where your feelings are not being taken into account. Best of luck XXX
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