A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand sometimes what's up with my bf. Ok, we currently live together. During workdays, he gets to go home first and he always never fails to follow-up on me if I am on my way home or always ask me why I was late for only a few minutes and what took me so long.During weekends, we prefer to go out separately, he goes to his see his friends in another city which is 1 hour away and would spend a night or 2 there. During this time I never hear any single hi or hello from him. In fairness, if i try to reach out to him, he would mostly reply to me fast in a quick sentence without periods but sometimes he replies very late or on some rare occasions I don't hear back from him until the next day. But when he comes back, he'd show me all pics of coffeeshops with like 10 guys and all those beach photos of them playing ball.Sometimes I ask him and he says he is too busy playing cards with his friends that he forgets about me. Is this normal? Do you think this is a behavior of a person who cares about me? He shows me extreme behavior during weekdays and weekends and it's confusing me. Is this a normal thing for guys when they are around their most precious friends?Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Chigirl,
I honestly don't mind getting 1 text or call from him while he is away. That is not too much to ask compared to his constant calling me when I am the one who is away. And even if lets say he does not inform me at all of his whereabouts, I wouldn't mind. I just couldn't see the logic that when he is the one who's away, he seems oblivious.Kinda out-of sight, out of mind-ish.
Anyway, I confronted him recently about this and he said I might not realize that I am worse than him. He said, out of his 3 calls in a day, I get to answer only one. And that my excuse is that I am always busy at work or that my phone is in silent mode. I was speechless because he is right. And he said the reason why he sometimes fails to inform me about himself is that he is so focused on the card game with his buddies, that he only cares nothing but to win it. I do understand this, I know so much he has this personality of wanting to focus on things like card games or watching his favorite match on football. And he also told me that if i wish to know about him, then why shouldn't I just call him instead of waiting for him to call me.
Well, the ending is, we both agreed that we should be understanding each other's needs and give each other enough space as individuals when it comes to work, friends, family.
I hope we will improve our relationship through the talk we had. Thank you so much.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Are you dependent on his text for some reason? I think if you are, if you feel the need to get a text or a call, talk to him about it. Shouldn't be too difficult to do. But I advice you to think clearly about why you wish this. Getting "checked up on" is no fun, and like I said it chokes the relationship. You got to allow freedom in a relationship and trust that the man himself knows the boundaries and knows when to let you know he's alive.
However some people are more needy than others (don't take that in a bad way, some people simply are), and will want more attention, more texts, more communication, more physical intimacy or more of whatever it is they need. Do you get genuinely unhappy and miserable when you don't hear from him this or that often? If you do get unhappy, then talk to him about it and ask if he could text every so often (like once a day or once in the evening). However... speaking from experience, if you sit around and WAIT for him, wait for his text, his call, then you are building up expectations. And expectations are a sure way to get disappointed and miserable. Because he might forget to text or call, or he might not write a nice enough text, or there could be other things too that will disappoint you if you start to expect things. Which in return will make you even more miserable than before.
So, think about this carefully. If you really are happy and ok with no texts from him on the weekends you are away from each other, why rock the boat? Just because other people told you he should be texting, or that something must be wrong? No. Don't get influenced by what others think of your relationship, listen to yourself and YOUR needs, not what everyone else thinks your relationship needs.
If you NEED him to contact you more on the weekends, and it makes you unhappy that he doesn't, then talk about it. If you get by fine without this contact and were just concerned, don't create a problem where there is none.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, really appreciate it.
To clarify some things, yes, me and my bf both think that since we spend too much time on weekdays, that it's healthy for both of us to spend the weekends without each other. The weekend away from each other happens around 2-3 times a month. We don't mind spending it together but we prefer spending it with other people like family and friends. This is both our first time to have a relationship like this, our past with other people was like seeing them twice a week at most with constant calling or texting. We both decided to live together for financial purposes and we would like to spend more time together (this was his idea which took me months until I agreed). We have been going like this for a year now.
Now, what I am wondering is this, sometimes the situation turns around and I am the one who's out with friends and he is the one who can't stop calling me or checking up on me. Annoying yes but I don't mind it actually as I feel this is normal. So I don't think he would think I am being rude if we text some few messages back and forth when he is around his friends. And I rarely even do that, one text is enough for me.
I don't know if I should talk to him although it looks like most of you have said that this is normal.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like being separated on weekends is a mutual preference. So being apart from each other isn't the issue.
So, flip the situation around. How would you feel if, while you were out one night, he stopped to text or call his buddies three or four times? Would you consider that acceptable behavior? He's trying to be polite. He probably thought you would take it better if he claimed to forget than if he claimed that he wasn't going to interrupt guy-time for you.
It sounds normal to me, even healthy.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 I don't understand why you live together. It sounds as though you a room-mates, and not a couple in a relationship. The only time that you wish to spend with each other is after work, during the week. Doesn't leave me feeling very warm and fuzzy. If it was just the occasional week-end, I could understand. And yes, you could forgive him for not thinking of you at these times. But every week-end, where's this going?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): It's a normal thing for guys who want to remain single (not get married). It's a way for them to compartmentalize and keep their life separate from the person they are with. Think about it..the weekends are the bulk of quality time you can spend with someone and you spend them apart.
It doesn't mean they don't care or that they cheat..just that the relationship won't be progressing past what it is, especially since you already live together. If that's okay with you then I wouldn't worry about it and find your own things to do on the weekends.
.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 August 2011):
I think it's a normal thing period. To be honest, when you're around others it is rude to always sit on your phone texting or reporting back to the significant other, unless it is for a specific reason.
When he's alone he misses company, and if he's expecting you he's missing you. If he's not alone, he isn't missing anyone, he's having fun, and he's not expecting you around, well, why would he be texting you much? You agreed on when to meet up next (after the weekend) so he is planning to return, it's not like he forgets you exist. He just doesn't have the need to constantly be in touch. When you have fun with your friends you don't feel this need either. In any case, when one is with other people I think it is only polite, and expected, that you keep your attention to the people you are physically with at the time.
Besides, if you and him live together you're already seeing a lot of each other. A few days off without contact is healthy. If you need to stay in touch every day it runs a risk of choking the relationship. Nothing wrong with keeping some healthy distance from each other.
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