A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've started cheating on my partner, not because of anything he has done, we arent having problems and i'm not bored or anything. It's to do with my past, I've had a lot of problems and depression over the last 2 years or so.(I've never cheated before)My ex who I was with before my current partner "Jack" cheated on me multiple times with the same girl and when I finally broke up with him he went straight out with her. I also dated a guy when I had depression who manipulated me into thinking he really cared about me then let me down when I truely needed him.In the last year I have lost a few people who were very important to me, through a car accident, general old/illness and family misunderstandings.I suffer with depression quite a lot and its something I can't control, it controls me, most of the time anyway, though I have got better before.I feel like a lot of things in my life do not go the way I want them to, I try my best to do the right thing but I always get let down by people that are meant to care for me. Or I always lose people.I think it is all about control, this is one thing I can control, I don't feel like I have control of my life, I feel like things happen to me and around me but I can't stop them happening, I can't control other people but I can control my actions.I think that is why I have started cheating, not because I'm not happy with my bf, but just generally not happy with my life. The only decision I feel I can make are things I do..Does this make sense to anyone? I am going to break up with my bf because I have been cheated on and if he found out I know from experience what that pain feels like. I know that cheating is not the answer, but I think that is why I have done it.Does anyone have any suggestions, agree or disagree? Advice?Thanks, please try not to judge me too much as I am going to do the right thing for him now.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 February 2013):
I don't think cheating shows that you are in control. If anything, you are being controlled by your depression and life circumstances. How does cheating on a partner that has done nothing wrong and is there for you getting control of your life? If anything, it will push him out of your life, and you are already sad about having people drop out of your life or let you down. Now, you will have caused it.
If you want to take control of your life, don't let these circumstances situations pull you down. If someone lets you down, they aren't worth it, and you should put yourself out there to meet people who will be there and be good friends to you. If you lose someone through car accidents or what not, mourn them, remember them fondly, and learn to cherish the people that are here while they are here. If your depression controls you, go seek professional help so that you can control it. You are absolutely right that the only person you can control is yourself, but you're wrong that cheating is the one thing you can control.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Hey, first off I wont judge you. Because I am in exactly the same situation, last week for the first time in my life I cheated. Ive lost my father and also been a victim of a crime and I know I am not myself right now. I have medication for depression and maybe this does strange things to me. It doesn't make what I did any better but the 'boyfriend' I have right now does not support me I have tried to end it but I dont seem to have the strength right now. I am sending you my best wishes, dont beat yourself up too much you have enough to deal with. Try to learn from whatever you decide to do but I would recommend telling your boyfriend what you have done as hard as that may be
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 February 2013):
 If depression made you cheat then you are not in control, as much as anorexic people who control what they eat, or a BPD patient cutting her wrist to feel something. Your control is not coming from a source of power, but fear of people getting ahead of you, fear of not getting even. When you made decisions based on inner strength, you will not want to do things that will hurt other people. When your emotions are balanced, you will not feel a need to control outside circumstances. You will simply be at ease with what you have and be at the moment.
Are you saying you are going to break up with him without telling the truth? It is just going to hurt as much when breakups happen out of the blue. I am afraid you have to tell him why. Then let him decide what the right thing for him is. Break ups suck whatever the reason is. Just because you try to spare him the hurt of being cheated on does not mean he will just happily accept the break up and move on. If you are going to tell him, "I feel lost, not feeling myself." Good luck with that. You will just be seen as a coward.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 February 2013):
Dear OP,I don't want to judge you and yes, maybe cheating gave you a feeling of control. However, it's sad that you break up with him now, as a result of this. I don't think cheating on him was worth it. You already lost some people in your life and now you're going to lose another one.Before this misery continues like that, and you risk more relationships or friendships, please get professional help.You need to find stability in yourself and having random affairs is probably not going to help you. If you want to find control in your life, then make some plans, set goals for yourself.I used to suffer from depression and I know it doesn't help you to think clear. That's why you should get some good counselling.Wish you the best,E
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): I don't think it's a control thing, I think it's more about a self esteem boost. It could also be that you think things are going too well with your boyfriend and you are subconsciously sabotaging it before you have a chance to get hurt.I don't think these are excuses for your behaviour but they could be reasons for it. I also don't necessarily agree you need to end things with him, but only if you stop the cheating and start working on your issues (including the depression) right away. If you can't promise either of those then you end it. All the best.
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