A
female
age
30-35,
*essie_B
writes:Hello everybody.I discovered this site accidentally and I started to like it ,so i will also tell my story to you all,to find out what you think and other opinions.First of all,sorry if I’ll be making some grammar mistakes,English’s not my mother tongue.I’m 22 and I have a 3 year relationship(he’s 21).All is almost perfect between us,we love each other very much,he’s all I need and I know he loves me.But he also loves pornography as much as he loves me.This is the problem.I know that it’s normal for a guy to masturbate once in a while,but not daily,no?And not after having had sex with me,no?I mean…ok,I can understand that he needs “to be alone” sometimes,but every day is getting worse!I don’t know if someone can understand me,I’m not jealous,I’m only hurt.Since we moved together I thought that our relationship will keep on getting better,but it didn’t!We have sex almost daily,he enjoys being with me,but so many times I caught him masturbating after we had sex .Or while I’m sleeping at night.I mean…if he was horny,I was there no?But he preferred his hand.He’s daily looking at porn pics and naked women.All the time!(except when I’m next to him).And me,as a woman,I always think that I’m not good enough for him and that he prefers to look at other women and uses me only as a body,to satisfy whenever he likes.And I will also mention that in our bedroom has always existed diversity,striptease,costumes and others,so I couldn’t say that he wasn’t happy with our sexual life.Sex hasn’t become bad,it still exists and he likes having sex with me.The problem is that i started thinking that during the act,he does not think at me,but at some “star”.And it’s awful,I don’t know if other women ever felt that….I think he has a problem,he may be addicted to porn and I know that this will ruin my relationship,now or later,but It will…..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 There is almost never one single reason for divorce, it is almost always a combination of major and minor things. Porn is a major one, but there is always overlap. Simply because it sounds too high to be true doesn't mean it's not. I thought it was fake/overblown at first too but I checked into it very thoroughly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I did some research of my own and found that your numbers are correct on porn being responsible for 50 percent of divorces.
That number is unconscionable. I found it interesting that 47 percent of divorces were due to differences in handling finances and only 42 percent were due to infidelity.
It's amazing that 139 percent of divorces can be attributed to only three factors.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 July 2011):
Interesting how only people who are anti-porn get told they are overly obsessed and phobic and worry too much or are prude or some other negative thing. But people who are pro-porn who insult the OP, go on complete angry rampages about it and say really horrifyingly sexist things are just called normal. Hmmm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Trying to change people never works, they either end up a shadow of themselves, and you loose interest in them, or they resent you for it. Some sort of comprise might work, like he does it when you are out, if you are really not happy, with who is then then maybe he is not for you.
Person12345 for someone who is anti porn, by your posts on dc you are seem to be consumed by it, I get you do it as your job, be even so.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 July 2011):
I'm not pornophobic (whatever that means), I'm someone who researches and writes about how pornography affects people, especially people in relationships, as part of my job. I'm anti-porn if that's what you mean, that doesn't mean I'm "phobic." I have met people phobic about porn though, they are generally rape victims or ex-prostituted women who find porn to be extremely triggering (and therefore terrifying). I'd feel pretty confident saying I'm an expert on the subject, and the fact that you disagree with what I'm saying doesn't make it less valid.The majority of what I hear about is women being hurt, sometimes to extremes, being told to put up with it because "boys will be boys" as though that somehow fixes any harm is causes. Porn is a major cause in over 50% of all divorces now, so it's not as though this is coming out of nowhere. The leading researchers as well as most couples therapists agree that porn is harmful in relationships.Porn in this case is clearly hurting the OP, badly, and really hurting her relationship. I hardly think telling her to ignore my advice that she shouldn't stay in a relationship that hurts her, is helpful. It' shouldn't be normal to feel constantly hurt in your relationship. OP I really do strongly suggest reading that book together if you want to try to make the relationship work.
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A
female
reader, Jessie_B +, writes (24 July 2011):
Jessie_B is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the last 2 days,after our discussion,he never accessed any porn/naked women site or photo.He truely wants to stop.I don't know if he can make it,if he can keep his promise,but this is the last chance that i'm gonna give him.
I was always with him these days and i'm sure that once i'm gone for work or at a shop,the first thing in his mind will be to masturbate.
I work as a hostess-interpreter for events and fairs and once he had to take me to work at an airport and wait for me a couple of hours,because the airport is far from our residence,so that he decided that he can wait 4 hours and then leave together.He even masturbated in the car(he had his laptop and forgot to clear the history,so i've seen everthing he watched).And i've also seen spots on his underwear and the smell in the car.I feel everything,i think every women does.And he admitted that he had done it.God,i felt terrible!
Now he cries,begging me not to end the relationship,but deeply,i know that he will never truely stop...
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 July 2011):
I strongly disagree with the below two posters who say he just needs to cut down or boys will be boys. This is clearly wrecking your relationship and either you need to end things or he needs to stop, cold turkey (or at least truly try). One thing that sometimes helps other couples is to have the non-using partner install (with his permission of course) a child lock on the computer that will prevent him from accessing porn.
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A
female
reader, Jessie_B +, writes (22 July 2011):
Jessie_B is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.I've already spoken with him about it,i told him that i cannot live like this and he begged me to give him another chance(by the way,it's the third chance !).I agreed,but i know it's in vain.I cannot trust him anymore,even if i love him.I know that porn has nothing to do with our love and i'm not responsable for that,but i still cannot feel good with myself,i cannot enjoy sex as i did when i started dating him.I gave him this chance,but i know it's just a matter of time until he will do it again and our realtionship will end.He admits that is addicted to porn and wants to find a solution because he doesn't want to loose me.But...that's what he also said the last 2 times.
Anyway,i'll let you all know what happens.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Oh absolutely he's addicted. You may be the best, most sexually satisfying woman in the world, and he's so caught in porn that there's nothing you can do to replace or break him of it.
Even an addict can tell you that porn can never be a substitute for the real thing. You are a filet mignon and porn is stale McDonalds. He is simply addicted and caught and cannot break free. You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to be jealous about.
Most men who are caught in porn addiction think that if they get a girlfriend or wife or whatever, that it will take the place, and that she will be enough. Not a chance. Addictions are out of balance.
He has to want to break it, or it will never work. You can help him, but only if he wants and asks for your help. If not, then you will be in the same boat, and then it will be your choice whether or not to allow him to be with you while in the throes of a gripping porn addiction.
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A
male
reader, Mitchell1978  +, writes (21 July 2011):
You have to remember that some people have a higher sex drive then others. And for men to masturbate to porn doesn't mean anything really, certainly doesn't mean he doens't love, or doesn't think you're not sexy. Thats what we men do, we like looking at all sorts of naked ladies, a man can be dating Scarlett Johanson and he still will look at porn. So you don't have to worry about it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): It seems to me he does have a mild porn addiction. I say mild because my ex had a SEVERE porn addiction i mean hed look at it at work on his phone at the library at his college constantly on his laptop including when his brothers or his mother was in the room. The worst part was he wouldnt even masturbate. There was no need hed just look all the time. At least once every hour or 2. But luckily with ur bf its not to that extreme. I would have a sit down talk with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe ask him to limit it to 3 or 4 times a week. I also think couples counseling could benefit you. And there is lots of websites and books about mild porn addiction and how to deal with it. I hope that helps and good luck! xx
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 July 2011):
First off, know he is not looking at porn because of anything with you. It's not because you're not hot enough or not good in bed, I'm sure he loves you the way you are. Most heavy porn users don't use porn out of horniness or lack of sexual satisfaction, but out of habit. Second, know that habit should not be an excuse to treat you badly. For couples struggling with this where counseling is not an option, I always recommend the book The Porn Trap as it is good at helping both people understand where the other is coming from and offers solutions for how to compromise.
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