A
female
age
30-35,
*ustomi
writes:A Little Introduction to my problem:I have this professor at college. A little detail------ he's in his early 40's, and an obnoxious *******. On one hand, he's an academic genius, extremely knowledgeable on his subject. His style of teaching can keep people on the edge, even whilst discussing the most boring portions. He's, to put in in a sentence----ABSOLUTELY GREAT WITH HIS SUBJECT.However, on the other hand, he's got a severe attitude problem. As in, he sometimes makes sweeping offensive, even downright heartless comments. For example, he believes that education should be the sole prerogative of Elites, or that Blind students don't deserve special favour. Etc etc...you get the idea. On one hand, he's very charismatic, and on the other, a downright "*******" who doesn't seem to realize how offensive he really is being to others. He tends to have unrealistically high expectations from students while writing an answer, and also grades his favourites higher than he normally would otherwise.He also, albeit subtlely, tries to imply that he is the best teacher ever and all other teachers on the subject are inferior or less knowledgeable.So, coming to my real area of concern:It so happened that. we (all the students of our class) had presented a list of carefully-written complaints against him to the Dean...following which it was agreed that he won't be allowed to evaluate our final sem papers. At the same time, we'd brought in a host of other charges against him........owing to which there was an enquiry commission againt him. We were all happy, and relieved.However, I gradually started to feel a sort of strange affinity towards him. Like, his behavior had always replleed me' but I now started to get CURIOUS about him. Like, I started pondering more on his behaviour and what could be the cause for them...could he be lonely because he had no children? Or maybe his harsh demeneour stemmed from the fact that being born and raised in a family of rich bureaucrats, and having studied in aristocratic institutions had never really taught him to be compassionate about people from less fortunate backgrounds? This curiosity and thoughts started to increase, to the point where I became almost fascinated with him. Like, I enjoyed talking about him with friends, or fantasized about him, sometimes even sexually. I wondered what it would be like to get to know him as a person; and started taking tips on how to impress professors. I couldn't define this feeling----on one hand, I found his overbearingly "agressive, macho" nature repellent, on the other hand, I had become sort of obsessed with him.And now, when our next semester is about to start, I just learned that we don't have any classes with him this time. This is deeply frustrating me to the point of getting edgy. I spend hours looking him up on the internet, reading upbooks and journals by him from libraries even though I don't understand them, and always stop to sneak a peek at him whenever he's around. I'm even developing stalkerish tendencies too, I feel.Its IDIOTIC, I know. But what can I do? I'd be grateful if you offer counselling. I cannot share this with any friends or family, yet I need this out of my system. Why do you think I feel this way about this person? And what can I do to make this go away? I'm seeking emotional support.Thank You.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Simple you go in there with your head held high like you have nothing to be ashamed over. You are going to have to fake it until you make it now. Act like you are confident and self assured around him and eventually you will be.
A
female
reader, Rustomi +, writes (31 July 2011):
Rustomi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMoo's mum:
I know, and I feel sooooo ashamed. I did read and absorb whatever was said to me here, but this takes time to go away. I'm better than before now, as in, I had considerably cut down on looking him up the net and checking up on him. But I don't know why it seized me again. I'm feeling like shiat. How can I show my face now? :(
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (30 July 2011):
Oh dear sounds like you didn't really listen to any of our advice. How did you know what his cell phone number was? I suppose aside from apologising to his face for being so silly there's really not much you can do but cool your heels and wait for this to blow over and become yesterday's news. Please re-read the posts here and try to absorb some of the advice.
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A
female
reader, Rustomi +, writes (30 July 2011):
Rustomi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYesterday I committed the biggest blunder of my life here......
It so happened that I was totally engrossed in thinking about him and decided to do something which I'm now feeling so ashamed of. I switched on the "call divert" mode in my cell, and diverted my calls to HIS number. Then, after a while, I switched it off. But soon afterwards, like after 30 minutes later, I got a call from a classmate of mine who's particularly close to him. He said that my professor had called him up to notify his utter displeasure over the fact that people were calling HIM up and asking for ME! He said that he also intended to take steps against me, which, after a little coaxing by my classmate, he's dropped. I feel like shit now!!!!!
I so wanted to be in his good books, now that's gone forever. No way I can redeem myself.
I feel terrible....and he'd also added that he, "never wanted to see or hear from ANYONE in our class ever again", due to the fact that we'd reported him. That made me feel even worse.
Since yesterday, I'm in a terrible mood, and feel a stone in my stomach.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Please be extremely careful with this one. The guy in question is showing all the signs of being a highly abusive person and, worryingly, you are showing signs of attraction/affection towards him in the way that abused people often do.
It is obviously not my call to suggest that you have been psychologically abused in the past, but you may want to consider this possibility - is there someone in your life before now who was exceptionally dominant or domineering? Or, another scenario is it that you identify with him because, once he was rejected, you started to empathise? Were you ever rejected in a way that you found very difficult and maybe you have forgotten about?
Another possibility is that your life is otherwise quite 'flat' - not necessarily anything wrong, but just a bit lacking in dimensionality and you therefore are increasingly drawn to the 'challenge' of finding out what is 'wrong' with this guy...maybe this is making you feel special ie. thinking that you, and no one else, may be able to resolve whatever it is that is causing his behaviour.
Whatever - the guy is producing a rollercoaster situation in which you emotionally applaud his intellectual expertise but also get upset by his antisocial behaviour - any kind of rollercoaster situation will potentially cause you to become addicted to the source of it - the highs and lows become your 'norm' before you know it, and everything else will start to feel less real.
Be very careful...honestly, there are probably underlying reasons as to why you are drawn to him, and I'd recommend that you look at those rather than get caught up with 'helping' this person.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (21 July 2011):
This is kind of like Stockholm Syndrome. You feel some compassion for your "oppressor" because you've been "forced" to absorb his views.
To be honest he's not likely to be the sort of person you could cuddle up with on the couch and feel loved and cared about by. I think not having any classes with him is for the best. Now you can get on with your studies and meet other people without having to worry about your "project".
All the best with this just keep in mind he will never change he'll will always be an offensive P&*%# who thinks he is better than everyone else. He's not worthy of your attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): My advice is admire his mind but keep away from him personally. And read Women who love too much, to see whether you are in danger of getting into destructive relationships. I wish I had read it years ago.
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