A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so some background…we are both in our late twenties...my ex broke up with me nearly 2 weeks ago. We got together about middle June (4 months ago) but had known each other for years. He had broken up with his long term live in gf in April (I know, warning signs! It broke up amicably, they are still friends, he assures me there are no more feelings there and I believe him).When we first got together he was very intense and very loving and understanding. He took me out for meals, gave me lots of affection, offered to pay to bring me on holiday with him (I declined- it was too soon for me) talked about going for weekends away etc…all lovely.Then at the beginning of Sep he got offered a job for 6 weeks (starting Nov) in Europe – we are in the States. Nothing happened straight away but in the next few weeks he started saying he was unsure about what he thought, however at the same time still talking about weekends away, telling me he missed me etc when I was sick, also ringing me for long conversations every day when I was sick. I didn’t think too much of the unsure thing at first, I thought he was just saying he didn’t want to marry me – which at this stage I was perfectly happy with! Then 2 weeks before he had to go to Europe he went to Asia for a week. It was the first time we hadn’t really contacted each other every day since we started seeing each other – I presumed it was just difficult. Anyway he arrived back, we met up and in the end he said he’s been thinking about the future and he wasn’t sure he saw a future for us, he thought he wanted to be my friend and not my boyfriend. He said it would have been fine for us to continue seeing me if he wasn’t going to the states but he didn’t think the long distance relationship thing would work. Asia for a week had been difficult so 6 weeks would be worse. I was shocked and said how could someone go from missing me to breaking up in a week. He said he did miss me and prob would but that it wasn’t enough, being so unsure was bad for both of us.I rang him a few days later and said could we not just go on a break and see where we were when he was back, he said he couldn’t do that, something either is or is isn’t. eventually I got him to say that if there were any feelings when he got back that he wouldn’t ignore them and say ‘it didn’t work the first time’ (although I am scared cos he can shut his feelings down – he has told me this). I also said I thought it was perfectly ok for him to be unsure at this early stage of a relationship, especially when Europe was such a big opportunity to him and he wants to concentrate fully on it. He said he had been trying to remember how he felt about his exes at the beginning of their relationship (he’s been in 2 long term for the last 8 years so the beginning of a relationship is newish to him).Anyway do you think that I was talking nonsense saying he shouldn’t be sure yet? Should he be? I know I had a panic a month ago but then realised how lovely he was. Also am I stupid to be living in hope when he returns? (I’m absolutely devastated at the moment)Do you think the job and the early stage of the relationship just panicked him or should I just cut my losses. Unfortunately he wants to stay friends and was even checking I’d still come to his Christmas Party before he left!
View related questions:
a break, broke up, christmas, his ex, long distance, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - and he said the same - which just made me like him more :-) Because I think he was trying to put me first...but maybe not....agh life is so confusing!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Just don't put your life on hold for him. It's too precious.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - I agree, it's just back burner is so hard to do! I think his feelings were stronger than mine in the beginning - he was always telling me how happy he was. I'm just trying to work out if the feelings changed because of the situation or just beacuse he doesn't feel it anymore. Time will tell I suppose...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2009):
I certainly wouldn't be putting all my eggs into just this one basket if I were you. It doesn't sound like his feeling for you quite match yours for him. You can keep him on the back burner while he's gone but I think you should also get out there and date other people as well. Good luck and keep us posted.
...............................
|
