A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I have been lately observing 2 of my friends and how they behave in their relationships, and I have been wondering a lot about whether this is the right way for a couple to be.The 2 examples (especially the 2nd one) are rather long for illustrative purposes. You can skip them and go straight down to my questions.--------Case 1) The first friend is a 30 yo guy who has been dating for more or less 3 years the same girl. He is a notorious cheater and has been getting some on the side. He is constantly chasing new girls. My guess is that it's something deeply ingrained in his personality and he has this "predator" instinct.Anyway, at some point he implied that his gf must have been suspecting something but she was still letting him do his thing. He was then bragging about how docile and submissive she was and how she had "adapted herself to his reality". Almost all her life revolves around him and he basically has a "homey" girl waiting for him no matter what happens.If I have to make an "objective" assessment of the girl's overall attractiveness, I would say she is a 6 (ok figure, but she seems to have some severe acne problems despite being in her late-20s; she is not too feminine either but she is very kinky according to my friend).I do not know if she has self-esteem issues or not (I have met her several times and she seemed ok) and if she is indeed his "loyal doggie" as he implied, but she seems to be genuinely in love with him. I also do not know for what reason she is so much into him (he is not a stud either) but my friend claims that being good in bed is the best way to get a woman addicted to you. She will still desire no matter what happens and will put with any shit you throw at her.-------Case 2) My second friend is a 30 yo Russian woman who happens to also be my co-worker. We confide to each other, so I know quite a lot about her. I would describe her a traditional "homey" type of girl. She has tremendous success with men who flock to her feet. She is trying to look and act cool, but she has some serious self-esteem issues. She was in a miserable relationship for 2.5 years (God knows why she wasn't leaving him) and was desperate to find a new guy. I was trying to help her a bit and was taking her with me to parties and meetups.She eventually met this muslim guy and jumped head on in a relationship. She kinda waited 1-2 weeks before officially breaking up with her ex (they were not living together anymore at that point). What struck me as strange however is how fast everything happened. She basically jumped from one relationship to another. After the 1st week, she has been sleeping every single day at her new bf's place. The only time they were separate was during office hours.I never liked the guy in the first place and was advising her to run away. The guy lied about many things (his parents' job, his nationality, claimed his mother was a christian, he also claimed he was not very religious, etc.). She forgave him because she lied about her age and about her ex. Then, he did some things that looked rather creepy: he tried to get her drunk in order to sleep with her (but you cannot outdrink a Russian, bad move) and tried to force his way (she left his house then). At the beginning of the relationship, he was also laying around condoms all over the place to make her understand he wanted some (she claims they did not have sex until the first month passed).I guess she was so desperate to find a bf that she enjoyed the attention and disregarded all the rest. She then slowly started getting obsessed with this new relationship of hers. She would cry because he didn't write back to her for 24h, because he didn't call her, because he's playing games, etc.Five months forward, she doesn't eat pork or drink alcohol anymore. She had started reading the Qur'an and is about to start learning arabic. She doesn't admit it but I am persuaded that she is completely changing herself to please her new boyfriend. They even have had the "talk". Their kids will be muslim, have muslim names and will only speak arabic at home. He even encouraged her to also become a muslim or there might be a problem with his parents.Long story short, she has incurred a lot of stress because she is trying to make this relationship work while there are a lot of cultural differences. She has lost a lot of weight, doesn't sleep anymore and cries a lot (really a lot) from all the stress. Her own place is still a mess with unopened moving boxes and she hasn't done basic things like installing a phone line/internet connection.She keeps complaining and crying about petty things and making herself miserable. She is sad that she has to step down on a number of issues (he is jealous and also the type of guy who wants to have things done his own way). Having lived in arabic countries, I know the culture of these people and have tried to warn her. She doesn't listen to me and stubbornly tries to prove me that her relationship is going to work. She replies that she is willing to make the sacrifice to make the relationship work because they "get along so well" and that simple cultural differences do not matter.---------------So we have 2 different situations, where the girl is almost a slave to the guy. They are madly in love with him and will not contest anything he says. My questions are as follows:1) Is it normal for a girl to be so much addicted to their boyfriend? Can this addiction go so far that the girl will abnegate her personality and everything else in her life just to stay with a specific guy? Can the excitement/emotion satisfaction that is drawn from the relationship (sex or anything else) be so much addictive?2) Is this a good model for a healthy relationship? Can such relationships work in the long run?Some thoughts:This is extremely fascinating and scary how much a guy can have control over a girl.The purpose of this thread is simply to understand the mechanics behind these type of relationships.Any input you may have is welcome!Thanks
View related questions:
acne, christian, co-worker, condom, drunk, her ex, jealous, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Myra882  +, writes (30 October 2014):
Oxytocin my dear. Oxytocin. But it's only for a little while. Girls usually fall in 'love' after sex. Guys during a long chase. Let's hope she wakes up before making a lifelong commitment she may not really want.
A
female
reader, ramet-x  +, writes (29 October 2014):
 its possible for a woman to give up her personality for a guy just because she loves him.This women have more issues than they'd like to admit hence low self-esteem or inthe 2nd case she could be a serial monogamer thats why within a week she was in a new relationship its such a pity when women lose themselves in the name of a boyfriend and in the long run these relationships do not work. Then the women realize their "addiction" as you call it and they quiet.Such relationships may even be abusive and NO they are not healthy at all
...............................
A
female
reader, Myra882 +, writes (29 October 2014):
Oxytocin my dear. Oxytocin. But it's only for a little while. Girls usually fall in 'love' after sex. Guys during a long chase. Let's hope she wakes up before making a lifelong commitment she may not really want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): Yes, of course a woman can become addicted to a man and a man can become addicted to a woman.Usually I think this happens in highly sexually charged or taboo relationships.... when you put fire with fire. Not in an everyday, long term turn predictable/comfortable relationship. It happens when there is an intense attraction between two people, usually fueled by fantasy and drama. Often you can add emotional attraction to the mix. But definitely physical. Both have to know how to push each other's buttons. The addiction comes with uncertainty, up's and down's and how the man treats her. If he lays down in front of her and rolls out the red carpet, no, there won't be an addiction. Maybe loyalty. Maybe respect. Maybe friendship. But no addiction. Addiction is fueled by fire and excitement. Usually and sadly a guy who treats a woman well will no longer excite her. I mean he has to treat her well to a degree so that she stays put but he also has to keep her guessing to keep her roped in. Fact: Married a nice guy. Was with him forever. Got tired of him sexually. He became a door mat. Now I am dating a man who is attached. He keeps me on edge. All the time. No predictability with this one. Loves me one minute. Goes cool the next. If I ignore him, he chases me. He gets jealous of other men. I get jealous of other women. We sometimes try to make each other jealous. It is all a game. And very exciting at that but the downside, for us women or me at least is that it comes with a high price tag. At the price of your emotional well being. So many lows for so many highs. You can trade the lows for the highs in a heart beat so long as he keeps feeding you the excitement. And knows how. So for it to keep going the highs will have to outnumber the lows. When that stops, you no longer have something exciting but rather something too painful. So it is hard cause you are addicted to the guy and the relationship. You want it to remain in the excitement phase forever. But you also want him for yourself. And then you don't cause you are afraid the fantasy will collapse if you are washing his socks and cooking his meals.Gotta say that players sure do know what they are doing. I have met an expert. Good thing he has met his match. No doubt about that.Yes it is an addiction and yes, it is exciting as long as you can keep it that way. But at the end of the day, it is not healthy, like any other addiction. You are getting a feel good chemical from him and mostly how he makes you feel (and vise versa). Any a player knows as long as you keep a girl guessing and hold back enough for her to keep pursing you, you will have her exactly where you want her. Women like the challenge. They hate it when a man does not pay attention and will seek it out even more if you hold back. But you still have to pay enough attention to keep her interest too. As long as he knows that he has to balance the hot with the cold. Too much hot can turn a woman off and too much cold can too. So an expert player knows how many doses to use of each and exactly when.But remember it works both ways. I do the exact same thing to the man I am addicted to. This is why he is addicted to me too!!I will say though that cheating would end it all for me in a heartbeat. You gotta play by the rules. Many women accept cheating men back not because they have mad sexual skills in bed but because they believe or delude themselves into believing that he is sorry and he will change. They try to save him but a cheater cannot be saved. It is cause they love him not cause he is good in bed. The good in bed comes from the chemistry they BOTH share. Women perform better in the bedroom when they are connected to a man in some way, beyond physical. A guy can be good in bed but I don't care if I have no emotional connection to him. And I won't be at my very best for him if I am not connected emotionally. But that's just me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 October 2014):
 I EXPECT my lady-friends to be addicted to me... since I am such a HOT guy... and they (those lucky ladies!) can bank their lives and happiness on me!!!!!
...............................
|
