A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been classmates with this girl for around three years now in college, and she intrigues me quite a bit. Let me explain: during our first year she seemed to be a rather shy and socially awkward person. Cute, but very weird. She was one of the few though whom had a relationship. the longest, I believe, as she still has the same boyfriend. Over the course of my first two years, I hardly paid attention to her as I myself am quite an outgoing, friendly person. I dare not hug her or talk to her that much because I didn't know exactly how to communicate with her. What I noticed about her was that she blushed everytime I made a comment. She would brighten up everytime I walked into the classroom or shuffle awkwardly in her chair when sitting beside her. She stared a lot and would blush if I caught her doing it. I met her boyfriend a few times at parties and the guy and I had a lot in common and the same characteristics in personality. This did indeed intrigue me but to me we were just classmates, nothing more. I don't even know if I was attracted to her or not.In my third year I got into a relationship with another female classmate that didn't end well as we were totally different people. During the time that we were together, the girl which intrigued me, started avoiding me and looked rather jealous if I was snogging my now ex-gf. However, she had started to open up to the class and I noticed that she is a very intelligent, funny and cute person indeed. She came out of her shell and when my relationship came towards an end, she and I started leading the student counsil together. finally she opened up to me and she proved to be a magnificent provider of interesting conversations.I believe we have a great deal of tension here and I think I am attracted to her and she to me. She sometimes drops this subtle cryptic comments that are supposed to be flirty, I think. However, during the years that we know each other, not once did she cross the boundaries. Nor did I. Yet I think we cannot deny that there is something going on. I don't think it is normal to have talks with her till 5 in the morning. Staring at each other is obvious too.Is it normal for a person to have crushes on other people while in a relationship and do nothing about it in the sense that they don't act on it?How should I deal with this and should I step back? She respects her own relationship very much and I too value an honest and faithful woman. Maybe I should just pursue a friendship here.Am I in the wrong here too for having always watched here while I myself was in a relationship?Maybe someone can analyse her actions or her possible thoughts? Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Oh but you DID cross boundaries. Both of you. Why, do you think it's normal / fine for a partnered girl to have talks till 5 a.m. with a " friend " ? ( No you don't - you say that yourself : ) Would she stay up all night for having talks with a same sex friend ? Would you ?
She is indulging, with your cooperation, in a nice tiny little bit of emotional cheating. She gets the best of both worlds. She still enjoys the safety, security and comfort of a steady monogamous relationship ( and I am not saying she does not love him- I suppose she does ) and at the same time, she gets to practice her seduction powers, she receives new attention from a different man, which ,as frivolous as it may be, it feels very empowering, she explores , safely , in her mind, without having to make drastic changes in her life, alternative possibilities, a " what if " scenario....
And you are in a relationship too- but your fascination with this girl goes way back, she still feels intriguing to you , more intriguing than your gf. Just because ... you can't have her. A bit of greener grass syndrome.
You ask if you should step back ? I'd say, definitely, you should knock it off, both of you. And I woud not even " pursue a friendship ", as you call it. You know perfectly that you aren't equally intrigued and fascinated by your
" regular " friends.
I am not advising you to eschew her like the pox, of course. Just treat her normally like any classmate. No more cozy all night heart to heart.
That's disrespectful and inconsiderate toward your partners, even if you have never or would never cross physical boundaries . It's not all about sex.
Then again, When CowsAttack is right too. You are young and at your age most relationships are quite transitional
( nothing wrong with that ). But, if you want to try your luck with the intriguing girl, you would have to leave your current gf first. Without any guarantee, of course, that Intriguing would leave her bf for you. So, I think you won't go down this way. Crushers like to play it safe ; they can pretend of having some sort of interesting something going on, without risking any practical inconvenience....
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (26 January 2016):
You're so young. Relationships come and go at your age.
If you're really interested in this girl you should do something about it.
Just be sure to have integrity. By that I mean end your current relationship honestly, and only then initiate something with the intriguing girl.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Uh oh, if I were her boyfriend, I wouldn't like it a bit if my girlfriend talks to another guy until 5 am. Acting on your feelings does not have to be physical, like kissing. When you spend so much time creating a connection it can be the start of an emotional affair.
I won't say you did anything wrong. When you have great conversations you just don't want it to stop. Then afterwards you wonder if something more is there. It can be something like a feeling of a long lost friend, a kindred spirit. It's possible that you won't talk like that often. However a special connection it could be, it doesn't mean it has to last long. I've had crushes on people before that resulted in absolutely nothing. One of them was even gay. I couldn't even explain why I have crushes on certain people but not others. I would just think it's some kind of cosmic influence, or something in astrology. When you think about it crushes rarely result in real relationships.
I think it's quite common for people who's attached to have crushes on other people, just not ideal when you want your boyfriend to be the only one you have these feelings for.
If you play it cool and not make it a big deal, it won't affect her relationship.
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