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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 31 years old, and I've been seeing my fiancee for over four years. We were supposed to be getting married in October, but due to our current problems, we've pushed it back to next November (2006). One of the reasons for our pushing it back was because of the amount of time she's been hanging out with a guy she works with; this topic caused a number of arguments (none that got physical, but one night I threw my keys [not at her, although she understandably thought I did]). Sometimes, it's just those two at the bar, and sometimes, it's a group. It wouldn't have bothered me but it's been almost every single night for almost two months. Some nights, I was invited to go but declined, some nights I went. Most nights, she doesn't come home until about 4:30 a.m.; they usually hang out back at his place with his roommates. They text message each other constantly; they've even got a little saying between each other, "43" or "43 2". I'm not a moron...it's either "miss you" or "love you". I've seen the messages and she keeps her phone guarded very, very closely.I would love to believe that it's just a "miss you" situation. Granted, I haven't been totally honest with her about how much it bothers me, since I want her to have her friends and her alone time. She has told me that it's nothing more than a friendship.My belief is that I should be happy that's she's got a new friend, but it's kind of hard when I normally (not always) have to go out to a bar if I want to be able to spend time with her. I like and love this woman to the end. Am I being overly emotional? Is it possible that she might have cold feet? Do I just need to work on my trust?
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reader, becky05 +, writes (15 August 2005):
Fair enough, there is nothing to stop her going out with friends....... but every night???? This is not acceptable. You have to tell her how you feel about this. Go out with her on more of these nights out and get to know what this man is like.
I dont think you need to work on your trust because she is not showing many signs that you can trust her.
If she doesnt take steps to change then i think you should pout your wedding back again until she shows that she is ready for marriage.
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (14 August 2005):
You are absolutely right to have concerns about your fiancee's behaviour. This isn't you being overly emotional, her actions are downright suspicious.
Examine the facts- she stays out until the early hours, they have a secret messaging code and your wedding has been postponed because of these issues. These indicate that something deeper than friendship has developed between your fiancee and this man. Staying out late most nights and having cosy little texting sessions with another person outside the relationship are not the actions of committed, loving person.
Fortunately you have delayed the wedding which means that you will hopefully have time to resolve these issues before you engage in a deeper commitment that is harder to break free from. You need to speak to your fiancee and work out what she wants, as well as yourself. If she does truly love you and wants a future with you, it would not be unreasonable for you to ask her not to contact this guy in a non-work related manner. If on the other hand she is unwilling to stop this cosy little "friendship" with him, then I would seriously rethink her commitment to the relationship, and the whole marriage.
All the best
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