A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi There, I really need some advice - even though deep down im sure I think I know what to do.......but while I am writing this - I dont I really dont know what to do. I am in a relationship - we have been together for 10 years and he is my first. We got married last year in September. I am also 38 weeks pregnant, while is around 9 months and am due in 2 weeks exactly. I am so sad and feel I am getting depressed. He has been very violent towards me in these whole 10 years - when I look back I dont know why I havent left him. My family have stopped talking to me because I choose to be with him, even though they told me to leave - hes no good for me. I never listened and now have lost alot because I wish I could turn the clock back and leave him when I was young and was trying to make something of myself. I am 30 now. Anyway if he has not been physical abusive - he has always been emotional and mentally. I stayed in a refuge at the beginning of my pregnancy - because I lost it after all these years. But still I came back, only because I thought we having a baby - the least I can try to do is bring this baby into this world with both mum and dad, also maybe thinking he'll change when he sees the childbirth and baby. Anyway thoughout all my pregnancy he has been mean to me. Telling me that I am nothing - I dont work. Telling me I should count my lucky stars that he is with me - every morning when I wake up. Also saying I am just nobody - that he doesnt even like me - cant stand to look at me, and that doesnt know why I am here in this relationship. I dont know what to do - I am due in 2 weeks time - 2 weeks. I have no family I can go to - the refuge I have given back - like an idioit!!!! I just dont know - I keep beliving now that this all is my fault - that I have caused him to be angry at me, because I dont work - I dont know anything anymore. I just feel sorry for myself I really do. Im telling him the baby will be born in two weeks - he has started threatening me that he will take the baby away from me because I went through depression back in 2001 - when my family stopped talking to me. I just need someone to tell me what should I do - should I stay with him until the baby comes? See if he changes - but how can I leave now 2 weeks before. He tells me that look at you - you have no family - your family dont like you. Im only with you coz I feel sorry for you. Honestly I dont want to be with someone who pities me....I have lost all my confidence - and he tells me that I am nothing. Ok so he hasnt hit me in a while becoz im pregnant - but he has been so mean to me - I just dont know what to do. I am scared - I am scared of what I have made of my life and I believe him that I am nothing and I just dont know anymore. Sorry for the longggg email - but just dont know anymore. I keep thinking to myself 38 weeks pregnant - a husband usually does so much for wife- but here I am going shopping by myself and to the midwife appointments by myself - I am getting no support from him at all. All I am hearing is - that I should pray to god every morning that thank you that he is with me and also that I am nothing and why am I with him - he hates to look at me and he just with me coz he feels sorry for me. Oh and the reason he goes out all the time is bcoz I make him sick at home. Help me please advise what should I do. Thanks in advance - god bless you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): im so sorry to hear your suffering, its not fair you are in this situation while your vunerable and pregnant especially without family but never blame yourself you just fell for the wrong guy, you have the power to change it.
ive been there myself in fact i only left him beginning of this year,its the best move i made, please start looking after yourself go the opposite extreme put all the love back into yourself, do everything you always wanted to do, go out socialise more, you sound like a lovely person, if you find the nasty voice telling you the same things your husband tells you refuse to believe it, just from what i have read, hes just simply no good for you he doesnt deserve you, a guy only changes if HE WANTS TO and if you start to treat yourself the way you want to be treated(like a blumin princess darling) then he will change toward you because you will not tolerate his sh-t, if you choose to stay with him, make sure you build yourself up,(your self-worth) make friends socialise, take up new hobbies everything that makes (YOU FEEL FANTASTIC)even flirt with men you come into contact with in daily life and flirt and have fun it will get your confidence back up, trust me it works cuz im already getting over the ex who used me and made me feel like i was nothing. i have down days but this is when you treat yourself extra special go shopping with a special friend anything that makes you happy darling. i have a few friends who have been with abusive partners and thankfully left them even when they had small kids with him,one of my friends she is asian , she had an arranged marraige had kids with him , he started to beat her up for years she put up with his sh-t because she new her family wud disown her if they divorced, she had to escape to the other end of the country in a womans refuge to escape and divorce him, her family did disown her of course but she inspiringly raised the kids on her own, i look up to her, cuz she survived against them odds on her own, you can too darling believe in yourself,there are some great books for woman that helped me go to your local libery and request them, little things make a difference.internet is good too for advice and info how to raise self worth try, rori rays blog have the raltionship you want.com theres some great free tips that helped me.
if you do decide its best to leave be clever plan it safely because some men can go crazy, think worst possible scenario just incase he becomes really abusive.
if i was you because of how vunerable pregnancy is, i wud just have the baby first build your strengh up while your waiting for birth, wait till the timing is right get a friend or even a different womans refuge for advice to help you and move your stuff and stay preferably with someone rather than on your own and build yourself up again. please start now to look after yourself and the baby and i wish you all the strengh and love in the world to help you darling, you deserve hapiness and love
A
female
reader, forever friend +, writes (25 February 2010):
 im so sorry to hear your suffering, its not fair you are in this situation while your vunerable and pregnant especially without family but never blame yourself you just fell for the wrong guy, you have the power to change it.
ive been there myself in fact i only left him beginning of this year,its the best move i made, please start looking after yourself go the opposite extreme put all the love back into yourself, do everything you always wanted to do, go out socialise more, you sound like a lovely person, if you find the nasty voice telling you the same things your husband tells you refuse to believe it, just from what i have read, hes just simply no good for you he doesnt deserve you, a guy only changes if HE WANTS TO and if you start to treat yourself the way you want to be treated(like a blumin princess darling) then he will change toward you because you will not tolerate his sh-t, if you choose to stay with him, make sure you build yourself up,(your self-worth) make friends socialise, take up new hobbies everything that makes (YOU FEEL FANTASTIC)even flirt with men you come into contact with in daily life and flirt and have fun it will get your confidence back up, trust me it works cuz im already getting over the ex who used me and made me feel like i was nothing. i have down days but this is when you treat yourself extra special go shopping with a special friend anything that makes you happy darling. i have a few friends who have been with abusive partners and thankfully left them even when they had small kids with him,one of my friends she is asian , she had an arranged marraige had kids with him , he started to beat her up for years she put up with his sh-t because she new her family wud disown her if they divorced, she had to escape to the other end of the country in a womans refuge to escape and divorce him, her family did disown her of course but she inspiringly raised the kids on her own, i look up to her, cuz she survived against them odds on her own, you can too darling believe in yourself,there are some great books for woman that helped me go to your local libery and request them, little things make a difference.internet is good too for advice and info how to raise self worth try, rori rays blog have the raltionship you want.com theres some great free tips that helped me.
if you do decide its best to leave be clever plan it safely because some men can go crazy, think worst possible scenario just incase he becomes really abusive.
if i was you because of how vunerable pregnancy is, i wud just have the baby first build your strengh up while your waiting for birth, wait till the timing is right get a friend or even a different womans refuge for advice to help you and move your stuff and stay preferably with someone rather than on your own and build yourself up again. please start now to look after yourself and the baby and i wish you all the strengh and love in the world to help you darling, you deserve hapiness and love
...............................
A
female
reader, forever friend +, writes (25 February 2010):
im so sorry to hear your suffering, its not fair you are in this situation while your vunerable and pregnant especially without family but never blame yourself you just fell for the wrong guy, you have the power to change it.
ive been there myself in fact i only left him beginning of this year,its the best move i made, please start looking after yourself go the opposite extreme put all the love back into yourself, do everything you always wanted to do, go out socialise more, you sound like a lovely person, if you find the nasty voice telling you the same things your husband tells you refuse to believe it, just from what i have read, hes just simply no good for you he doesnt deserve you, a guy only changes if HE WANTS TO and if you start to treat yourself the way you want to be treated(like a blumin princess darling) then he will change toward you because you will not tolerate his sh-t, if you choose to stay with him, make sure you build yourself up,(your self-worth) make friends socialise, take up new hobbies everything that makes (YOU FEEL FANTASTIC)even flirt with men you come into contact with in daily life and flirt and have fun it will get your confidence back up, trust me it works cuz im already getting over the ex who used me and made me feel like i was nothing. i have down days but this is when you treat yourself extra special go shopping with a special friend anything that makes you happy darling. i have a few friends who have been with abusive partners and thankfully left them even when they had small kids with him,one of my friends she is asian , she had an arranged marraige had kids with him , he started to beat her up for years she put up with his sh-t because she new her family wud disown her if they divorced, she had to escape to the other end of the country in a womans refuge to escape and divorce him, her family did disown her of course but she inspiringly raised the kids on her own, i look up to her, cuz she survived against them odds on her own, you can too darling believe in yourself,there are some great books for woman that helped me go to your local libery and request them, little things make a difference.internet is good too for advice and info how to raise self worth try, rori rays blog have the raltionship you want.com theres some great free tips that helped me.
if you do decide its best to leave be clever plan it safely because some men can go crazy, think worst possible scenario just incase he becomes really abusive.
if i was you because of how vunerable pregnancy is, i wud just have the baby first build your strengh up while your waiting for birth, wait till the timing is right get a friend or even a different womans refuge for advice to help you and move your stuff and stay preferably with someone rather than on your own and build yourself up again. please start now to look after yourself and the baby and i wish you all the strengh and love in the world to help you darling, you deserve hapiness and love
...............................
A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (25 February 2010):
Sorry for the longggg email, but i have loads to say on this subject.i apologies on behalf of my gender for one of the worst excuses for a man i have ever heard of. I sympathise greatly. You should leave as soon as possible, you dont want him to become attached to the baby or your life will get really difficult. Go and reconnect with your family, tell them they were right and that you dont want this guy any more.No it isnt your fault he abuses you, can you honestly think of actions you took or words you used, which made him come to the conclusion that you should be abused. No you cant because no one deserves to abused.Dont listen to this guy, he may verbally abuse you but dont believe what he says, he is the one who should be pitied, keep telling yourself you are an amazing person. For proof of that ask people (other than him) who know you. You are going to need confidence if you are going to take drastic action.Also, think about how this baby will see you, kids think highly of their parents, that will be you soon. You want your child to see the better side of you and not the broken shell of a woman, for the sake of the child, you need to compose yourself and be strong and end this all. Psychologically speaking appears to derive pleasure from verbally abusing you. It doesnt matter whether its true or not, people like that are only looking for the sad reaction on their victims face which will give him pleasure. Ironically, his lies have become truth, you may have started the relationship as something, but his put downs have made you nothing. So now its the truth, but its easy to turn around, once you remove yourself from the negative environment and put yourself in a positive environment, where people think highly of you, your confidence will be restored. If you live in the arctic, of course you are gonna feel cold.And if he abuses you, he will do it to the kid too, and children are not strong enough to take it. Living with a father like him will lead to many psychological problems in the future, the child may even be just like their daddy if they grow up in an environment where people are abusedPS Never go back, people like him rarely change. If he comes back to you, assume he hasnt changed until he proves otherwise and dont accept action he does infront of you as proof. Some people act like they have changed when they havent. Also, when it comes to this guy, dont think with your heart, it cant be trusted, think with your brain (which would have told you to leave long ago). My final word is, if you stay with him, you will remain nothing, leaving him is a brave move disproving all that he has said about you and turning everything around. That way, your child will be proud of his/her mother. And find a good man, there are plenty.
...............................
A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Find a safe place to go, a woman's shelter, a friends house (anywhere), get out IMMEDIATELY and stay out. Let the birth of your baby be a turning point in your life, let it motivate and inspire you to be a stronger, healthier person. This is an excellent time to leave, which is, I think, what you know you should do. He will not change, and even if he does, it sounds like there has been far far far too much damage done already. Staying with him will make it nearly impossible for you to have any self respect. I'm so sorry you've been hurt this way, I know from experience how easy it is to get lost. But, you can't give up hope. Keep holding on (like the song says :-). Commit to breaking up with him, be constantly separating yourself from him, physically, mentally and emotionally. Do it for your child, because you want your child to see in you an example of a woman with self respect. Take the rebuilding of your life one step at a time. While you do want to repair your relationship with your family, maybe that should not be your top priority right now. Right now, you need to get back on your feet. You need to find a job, a place to live, to feel in control of your own life. Worry about repairing your relationships with other people second, and fix your relationship with yourself right now. Don't think that independence is impossible for you. There are solutions. There are jobs, for example, that often can afford you a place to live as well as work, like being a nanny or working for certain hotels/bed and breakfasts, these kind of jobs can often give you a place to live, which might be comforting while you are adjusting. I don't know what kind of experience you have, or what you can do, but don't think of this as too much for you. Every person can do this, you just have to try. It will be much easier once you don't have someone lying to you, telling you that you're scum. I truly wish you luck and blessings, you can get out, you just have to 1st leave and 2nd commit to staying away and establishing your OWN life.
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