A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There are numerous books titled, "Make any man fall in love with you," or "Make any man want you" with things explaining how to make it happen. I haven't ever tried the advice from these books on anyone yet. These books make it seem like making a guy fall in love with you is completely in your control and that if he doesn't fall for you, you must have done something wrong or didn't do enough. This makes me really beat myself up because recently I went out on a few dates with this great guy and I felt the dates went well, yet he is not into me.I have had my fair share of dating mistakes and blunders, all from which I have learned from, sometimes multiple times even. However, with this guy, I went home feeling confident about how the date went and felt like I did well. Unfortunately, he's not into me. And I feel pretty sad cause I feel like maybe it's my fault that he doesn't like me enough. I'm confident in myself and am actually left wondering, "How does he not like me?" Of course, I don't expect every man to like me, but I really thought he would. The fact that he doesn't makes me kind of question what I did wrong. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 You cannot make anybody fall for you. I don't believe these books. However I do believe some books can allow you to gain more confidence and give you more hope. They may 'teach' you how to date. But not all men are the same when it comes down to it and they all want different things.
I am not sure you are doing anything wrong, my guess is that you just have not met the right guy yet. Go out on plenty of dates, just be yourself, don't be to clingy or needy, play it cool and see how it goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): The only thing you did wrong is that you had expected that guy to like you. Why? What mad you think he would?I am not asking this to make you feel bad. Instead, I'd like to help you think why you chose him as the one (at list at that moment) you liked and who should like you in return.For the past thirty years, I've been going over similar questions with my friends. The only conclusion we reached was that for some reason, those of us who were chronically single kept choosing the guys who were not into them for all sorts of reasons, none of which were authentic nor positive. Some ran after rich and famous (or at least well known in certain circles), some went after guys that were in some way damaged and would never leave them (or so they thought), some fell for theatrical professions of affection from flamboyant eternal boys... There was nothing they could have done to keep all those men who left them or never wanted to be with them (really BE in a RELATIONSHIP with them) in the first place.You cannot have control over someone falling in love with you, bit you can improve your odds of meeting someone, giving space (and TIME) for you to know one another and (maybe) hit it off. My advice would be to try meeting new people but NOT (or at least not only) trough dating sites and services or even through arranged dates. Why? Because that's where you'll meet people that have one thing in common - they are single and looking (some even desperately so). There's a lot of pressure on everyone. So, try to engage in other activities, which main focus is not finding a mate, and you may meet guys who share your interests, a great place to start. If you meet someone you like, and the feeling is mutual, You'll spend some time together, without the pressure of having to date, and really get to know him. I haven't read any books you mentioned, but sometimes it is not about what you read, but HOW you read it.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Those type of books are total bunk. They are claims on popular (mis)belief that we can make anyone love us back. In reality, it is rather the opposite. Beating yourself for something he did not do does not make sense.
Instead, reflect on the men you dated and find what is it that all of them had in common. Note all the similar traits and look for different types. You may have to go out of your comfort zone, or look for men in a different group. To give you an example: in my late teens and early 20s I was in the music scene and after gigs there would be loads of gorgeous girls everywhere yet I personally never found any appealing, they were all loose thrill seekers. The one that worked for me was a "geekish" laboratory type involved in making human body parts. Very different zone.
So don't beat yourself up. Be you and change up where and who you look for. Nor is it about how you think that the date went but it is more about how he thinks it went. Being yourself is more likely that he thinks of you to be genuine, with clear aims.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Groan. Self help books. These books prey on people's insecurities and seldom, if ever, have much to offer in terms of good advice. No, of course you can't MAKE someone fall in love with you. There is no scientific formula or spell for making this happen.
Honeypie has given you the best advice I can think of: be yourself. It is no good trying to be what you think the other person wants you to be because you will not be able to keep that up forever. However, when the RIGHT person comes along, they will like the real you and things will hopefully work out from there.
You went on a few dates with this latest guy but the telling comment was "I felt like I did well". Remember dating is a two-way thing and, if you try too hard, it can come across as desperation. You do not have to agree on everything. You do not have to like the same tv shows or the same music. It is about compromise and communication. You can't have been that bad if there were a few dates.
One bit of advice I would give you is that, in my experience, people tend to hook up with people who are at the same stage of life as they are. By this I mean, it is all about timing. If you are looking to settle down and get married, but the blokes you are dating are not ready for that commitment yet, then it will never work. Be honest about what you want so that you are not wasting time on guys who are not looking for the same thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I have to say I'd take ANY book that says "Make ANY man blah blah blah..." with a HUGE grain of salt." Because I really don't think you (general you) can MAKE anyone feel something they don't feel.
It DOES suck when you go out on a date and the other person didn't feel chemistry or a spark, but it HAPPENS.
So is it YOUR fault that you can't "make" a man love you? I don't think so. But maybe yu need to look at the kind of man you are pursuing and see if that is the problem or... just go on more dates. The more you date, the more practice you get. Kind of like job interviews.
This latest guy you went on a date with might just not have felt any chemistry or physical/emotional attraction or maybe he felt that you were unsure of yourself or seemed a little desperate to be "perfect". Why knows? But in reality it doesn't matter, HE didn't see you as a potential partner so upwards and onwards. Beating yourself up doesn't help you, so you need to let it go.
NOT every guy you meet will like you, YOU will not LIKE every guy you meet either. THAT is reality. THAT is life.
Instead of trying these books - why not try and JUST be yourself?
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