A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated a slightly older man for about a year and half until I left to finish my college education. We had decided to break what we had off since we weren't keen on the idea of a long distance relation ship and we had different goals to focus on at the time. I was wanted to finish college and he was expanding his own business.We maintained slight communication from the time I was 22 till now and had no problem expressing that we missed each other. We mentioned a few times that if we were still single and the time was right and we still had feeling for each other we could pick up where we left off when I moved back home. (Even though his answer was always more so stating that it didn't matter what he had going on, if I moved back and wanted him he would drop anything and anyone to be with me)We both had our fun being single and I even attempted a relationship that didn't work out while my ex was just basically "having fun". Because of my failed relationship I realized I still love my ex and will probably never want anybody else even though I'm glad we decided to take this break otherwise we might have ruined what we had. I am graduating soon and fully intended to move back home and be with him. I fully intend to tell him this one night during our normal phone callsBut he had something else to tell me, he has gotten a woman pregnant who he has no commitment to and has no feelings for but because of the man he is, he has the intention of doing right by her and marrying her and raising the child together.. So in turn I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell him I wanted to be with him. Even though he kept telling me he'll never love her the way he loves me.Is it morally wrong, and selfish of my part to tell him how I feel and tear him away from this woman? Do I keep my mouth shut and let them try to be a family? Even if he doesn't love her would that still make a home wrecker? I am truly trying to think about this child but I also love him and want him for me.
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long distance, my ex, older man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2016): Thank you everybody, I appreciate everybody's insight and I will in fact be citing ties with this person.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Sorry but I think your ship has sailed. His actions have lead to his choices. It makes not difference if he loves her or not because this is a life and relationship that your concern cant really be warranted. What you can do is end the friendship once and for all because it does have to potential to do some serious damage given the nature of things past and now your emotionally connected present.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Let me start off by saying that I think that You're quite intimidated by this other woman in a way and that's because she stands to get what you wanted but were too afraid to take hold of when you had the chance. There may be a part of you that's quite jealous and I say that as honestly as I can. You need to realize that you should just move on from this guy because I think that there's parts of him that want to stir up all these feelings within you. He may want you to run after him and declare your love to him and he just may let you down after all the trouble of you doing that. Personally I'd move on but the choice is still yours. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 He’s an EX with a life plan which doesn’t include you. I’d get on with the business of building your own life plan. This will be a good lesson for you going forward: if you really want a relationship with somebody, you find a way to make it work.
You didn’t want an LDR because of the drama and strain on your individual goals. Chasing him now would just be setting up drama and straining his goal.
I’m sure you’ll find a way forward.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2016):
 Telling him how you feel does not guarantee that you can tear him away from his future wife, it only opens up the opportunity that he would use you for recreation sex. Especially when his wife is too tired from taking care of the baby. It does not good but hurting people with no positive results. It's also possible that he tells his future wife that he does not love you, it's only sex.
He may not love this woman but his sense of moral duty could be stronger than your desire to be with him. At the end people can argue that marriage is more about responsibility, family than love. Remember when you "love" someone or have strong feelings only after a relationship becomes almost impossible, it's not really love. It's wishful thinking, the what ifs, and wanting what you can't have. It can also be the jealousy that he made a baby with someone else but not you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2016):
 I agree with EyesWideOpen.
He might have told you it was a "marriage of convenience" because he knocked her up, but this is 2016 not 1950. Marrying someone JUST because they are pregnant doesn't make him a great guy. Specially if he doesn't REALLY love her. I think that is actually a bit unfair of him.
I think.... IF he REALLY loved you MORE than this new woman and the coming child, HE would have chosen you and financially supported his child.
If I were you, I'd CUT the contact 100% and I would not make any declarations of love.
You two were together at some point but didn't make it work, there is no guarantee that it would work now either. Specially given that he now has a LOT more "baggage" than he ever did.
Time to let him go. To look to the future and make yourself the focus, not him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 I vote for keeping quiet and letting the guy (and his wife) live their lives....
All you stand to "get" out of this is the label of "homewrecker".... and a husband who you know you won't be able to trust...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 April 2016):
 Are you sure he doesn't love this woman and is just considering marriage strictly because he knocked her up? Not too many people these days have shotgun weddings. Maybe he claims to love you more just to let you down easy or maybe he wants to keep you in his back pocket just in case. No matter, really what you need to do is make your own plans for that future you worked so hard for in college. Get your career going, meet new people, get busy and don't wait around for this guy.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (7 April 2016):
Hi. That's a difficult dilemma...this contact you've maintained has meant neither of you could move on, and now hes gotten a girl pregnant.
He is going to live a lie, being with a woman he isn't happy with or loves, it is unlikely he will remain with her or remain faithful to her- either physically or emotionally...indeed he is likely to be at least emotionally unfaithful to her with you by the sounds of it, unless you take the initiative and cut ties and contact now.
The choices seem to be you tell him you want to be with him, hoping he agrees and supports the child as best he can financially and being in its life, with you sat beside him supporting this set up, or he decides he makes a go of it with this woman and you cut the contact and wish him and her the best.
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