A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it inappropriate for a woman to give fragrance as a gift to a man who she isn't in a relationship with? I had an argument with my girlfriend when she saw a type of aftershave that I wouldn't normally buy at my place and asked where I got it. I told her it was just a gift from a female friend (who she doesn't know) but she didn't like it and told me it was too intimate and personal. The thing is I didn't hide it from her and this woman is married anyway so is my girl right to complain that it had romantic undertones? I didn't think that at first but I'm now thinking maybe I should have questioned the intentions of my friend who gave it and declined. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 January 2014):
Im not sure about this one.
I recall back when I was working on the street, the issue came up w a female co-worker about how she thought a tie was inappropriate as a gift from a woman to a taken man.
I never really saw the harm in it, but she saw it like a man giving a woman lingerie.
I guess its all about perception.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2014):
 It really is in a gray zone. I wouldn't mind buying my brother aftershave or perfume. And I did actually give a male friend perfume once, but it was not bought for him, it was a bottle I had laying about. And, important to note: we were both single at that time, and we used to be lovers.
Perfume is expensive. To buy someone perfume also signals that you know that person extremely well, because a persons taste in perfume is as difficult to pick out as it is to pick out lingerie.
Aftershave/perfume is an intimate gift. However, I wouldn't see it as inappropriate at all times. It really depends on the dynamic of the friendship and your "local" customs. How things are between you and this female friend: you can have a different dynamic which would allow for intimate gifts like this one.
My boyfriend has a female friend who on occasion crosses the line of intimacy, for me. But in their friendship this has been acceptable behavior long before I entered the picture, without there ever being anything more than friendship between us. Others have raised their eyebrows too at the gifts she's given him, and gift requests she's had as well. But it's never resulted in anything, they've always just been friends. So I'm fine with it. The important thing isn't what gifts are given, but the thought behind it.
Your girlfriend would think there was more behind it if she received a similar gift from a male friend. So to her, it'd be inappropriate. But you know your friend, and you know best: was there anything more to it? If not, then I'd say it is fine to accept such a gift.
I'd introduce your girlfriend to this female friend. If she's such a good and close friend that she can give gifts of this nature without you thinking twice about it, then she must be a very good friend. And it is common courtesy to introduce your girlfriend to your best friends (and eventually family too).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): I don't think it's inappropriate, however I think her feelings are justified.At the same time I think she's overreacting.At least try to understand her feelings, because feelings are just that... they don't always stem from logic. Fragrance in is stereotypically a romantic type gift, add to that the fact that she doesn't know this woman. And you have a recipe for unease.Try to reassure her that you hadn't even thought of it that way, and that while you think it's not a big deal, you are willing to do _____ to make her feel at ease. Because in the big picture, wouldn't you rather lose the gift and keep the girl?If a guy gave your girl some perfume or shower gel... would you really not care at all?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): I would feel affronted if my husband accepted aftershave from another woman. Fair enough at Christmas people tend to receive your generic "smellies" like bubble bath sets complete with a scent. But anyone I know wouldn't purchase aftershave or perfume for someone other than their other half. Everyone has different feelings on this based on what they've seen from their friends or family, but my experiences are you get friends things they are interested in, but what they smell like is quite personal to them - or their partner. It doesn't sound like there is much to read into this situation in this instance but I do agree it is uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2014):
 Personal ?
It's one of the most impersonal, generic, " don't know what else to buy " gift you can think of. It's the kind of thing you pick up at a duty free shop to give to your uncle or cousin , or buy following the advice of some shopgirl on what scents are generically "in ".
Personal is not the object, but the sentiment behind it.A book by your favourite author, a CD by your favourite musician, any thing that shows the effort to accomodate your tastes, passions and preferences would be much more personal. But a bottle of AFTERSHAVE ?? I can't think of anything LESS romantic ( unless of course you had confided her that that specific aftershave is your favourite and secret aphrodisiac, lol ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): I live in the US and I have heard here that fragrances and colognes are very personal and intimate and you should know the taste of the person so it is very personal, So after I learned this I have never bought any fragrance as a gift for anyone here. In my country is different and this gift is very common and they do not consider that as something personal. It is funny when I came back home and visited one of my male old classmates for the first time in a group he gave me a perfume which because I know its totally different there I didn't consider it as anything more than a simple gift.I don't know if your coworker is an American or not but maybe she really didn't mean anything by giving you that gift.Just tell your girlfriend to take it easy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2014):
Do I think that only one's partner can buy you fragrance? Be it cologne, body-spray, perfume... No.
Though I would NOT normally buy a male friend a cologne. Now let's say I had been out of the country and gotten it tax free or before it's in the stores or it had a name that was kind of an inside joke, and my male friend had a Birthday - then maybe. Unless it's REALLY expensive or one of those you "create" a scent ones I don't think a cologne is that intimate.
My questions are, how long have you and your GF dated? Why haven't she met your female friend?
I think your GF is over-reacting. MAJORLY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): Yeah - sorry, it's a bit dodge. Fragrance is such a personal thing - and very much the sort of thing that you buy for someone you are very close to. I would be pretty angry if my boyfriend/husband accepted perfume as a gift from someone - unless that other person had oodles of money and bought these things for all their friends - but if it was just for them - I think that would be unacceptable. Sorry - your girlfriend definitely has a point.
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