A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi,i was talking to a friend of mine and he was saying how he was interested in this girl, and said that she once performed in a few adult videos and still does some escort work. Its a little beyond my stuff I'm used to so i was pretty surprised. I said to him, doesnt that bother you? his reply really shocked me. he said:No, actually i sort of find it a turn on. I was shocked like i said so i asked how is it a turnon. He goes:Well, the video is a turn on because shes wanted by so many guys. also i dont know, i guess even the escorting stuff shows she is wanted by a lot of people who pay her to sleep with them and she sleeps with me for free so its kind of hot.he was serious. it didnt sit well with me. so i am asking the board what you guys think of this? is it normal to find it hot that a girl you like did adult stuff or even sleeps with men for money sometimes?PLEASE!!! i know some of you are going to answer, well, its to each his own, every one has their own tastes, who are you to judge bla blah blah. If that is what you are gonna say then please save it. its obvious everyone has their own tastes. I am asking if you think it's a HEALTHY way to look at a relationship, like you want the person because others had or have her, rather than who she is. Some relationships ARE unhealthy despite personal tastes. So is that a healthy way of lookin at it? Thanks.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 OP: I'll throw in the towel on whether or not it's your's or mine or anybody else's business.....
HOWEVER, consider that you've asked about the HEALTH of this "relationship".... and "health" is a broad-spectrum word.... so it's really difficult to put a PRECISE comment on such an imprecise concept..... Consider:
I have a friend who usually runs a marathon (that's 26+ miles!!!!!) about once each month. HE thinks that's "healthy". AND, he eats a diet of all the stuff that HE deems to be "healthy".....
For me, I think I am getting adequate exercise by walking all the way from my lanai to my kitchen (refrigerator) to get another beer.... AND, I think that carbo-packing "means" eating lots of pierogies and French fries and Oreos (with milk!). (I learned that my marathon-running friend doesn't agree with me....)
My point? That the "target" (the "answer" to your question) is elusive... and is really tailored to all three; who is asking the question, who is answering it, and WHO THE QUESTION IS ABOUT. I really feel that I (or anybody else) can't offer meaningful specific advice or comment about imprecise judgements that are not in mine (or the inquirer's purview)....
Have fun with the rest of your replies to this....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Hi,
I am the poster of the original question. Thanks for your answers.
@Sageoldguy -- Look i knew this was coming, this is NOT about my business in his business. I am asking for advice and thoughts on whether this it's a healthy reaction. The same as whether any reaction is healthy in a relationship. Like for example, is it healthy to sleep together after one date, or whether it is healthy to date a few people at the same time. I am just asking, not to judge the person, but to wonder about how to view people your dating.
Thank you all for your thoughtful answers.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2013):
Because I was baffled by it the first time... I re-read your submittal two more times..... After each time, I came to the very same questions: What difference does it make? .... and What business is it of your's????
What am I missing??????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): Well, coming from a similar pointing of view as the woman discussed in this (I'm an ex-porn star), I would say this isn't a healthy way to view her. After I left the industry, I continued to do nude modeling, but I never did escorting, so in some way, I kept up the act. Nevertheless, I was a bit confused being in the dating scene after that experience. I wasn't sure if I should be proud or ashamed; I got mixed reactions. I told every guy I dated or slept with about my past in porn. Most did find it a turn-on, which also correlated with how they viewed me in a relationship, as a trophy or hot piece of ass. Finding someone who accepted me, but discouraged me from continuing that persona was really the key, because I eventually gained more confidence in myself, and moved beyond that.If this guy is stoked on sleeping with this woman, and she's cool with it, well then, let them enjoy each other. At some point, she'll want to see herself as more, and if the person she's dating can't see her become that, then it's gonna end.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 It's healthy.
He not only accepts her for who she is and loves her for who she is he embraces her for who she is.
That's the epitome of healthy... you love your partner for who they are and where they are.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): Seems to me this friend of yours is a bit on the immature side and probably suffers from low self-esteem and does not have a lot of respect for women in general. It also seems to me your friend is looking at this women as a kind of "trophy", a piece of something everyone wants, but he has....and is sharing with so many others....if a guy is into that, well, it is a "to each his own", or in his mind he's thinking that's all he can actually get and plays it up for his buddies...if he says it enough, he can probably convince himself too. Why don't you ask him if this women is someone he could, and would bring home to his mother...
Eventually she will be washed up and not up to "porn and escort standards" and then what? He gets bored of her and seeks out another one with those same "qualities" he desires?
A women who puts herself out there in that manner has usually been abused as a child or young adult or some kind of emotional trauma that has led them to allowing men to use them and make them feel better with all the attention, good or bad they get from it. Many men are clueless about this or don't care to see this reality. They just see this body and actions to get a quick jerk off.
Is all of this healthy in general? Not really...not really in the long run. I am all for having fun and enjoying your young days before the world of adult responsibility plays a major roll...perhaps wanting to settle down with one person or start a family, buy that house, dive into that serious career, whatever...and one would hope at some point all the wild and craziness runs it's course (called growing up) and a man can see a women as more than a "turn on".
If they are both on the same page and they both know what they are about, then it's healthy for THEM. I doubt that's the case at all for either of them...I mean think about it...she's has no self-respect, and he finds it all a turn on...they are both messed up, so maybe they are great for each other. He's going to do what he's going to do...all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart and warn him about protecting his own body from sexually transmitted diseases...that would be enough for me to exit stage left...ugh.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 February 2013):
I would caution you to distinguish between "turned on by" and "capable of being in a relationship with."
Being turned on by a porn star is one thing. Making an emotional investment in her is quite another.
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A
female
reader, fragileswan +, writes (11 February 2013):
Physical attraction is a genetically programmed reproductive trait designed by evolution for procreation of the human species. Some people might not like that, but they aren't required to like it, so it's ok. It still remains correct. If a sexual inclination opposes the reproductive function, it opposes biology, and it's not healthy.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 February 2013):
 it seems perfectly healthy because he DOES like her for who she is. she's not sugar coating anything and she's not lying about her background. there's nothing wrong with that. i could completely see where he's coming from, also. i could personally see how that would be a turn on. so no, i don't think it's unhealthy. i don't think it goes to show that there's anything wrong with your friend. now do i think that once the newness of the relationship wears off, will what she does/did for a living cause a problem in their relationship? more than likely. it's exciting and stimulating now. in a handful of months to a year, the thing that turned him on will probably be what drives them apart.
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female
reader, haribo158  +, writes (11 February 2013):
As long as she is using protection then why wouldn't it be healthy? It's unorthodox but the bottom line is as long as they are both happy then its ok.
Personally I don't feel that relationships can last long term in a situation like this because sooner or later the guy would always be jealous, no matter how much he convinces himself he's not, then again he says he's turn on by it so this is probably a bit of an experiment for him! Ultimately it's never a good idea to meddle in friend's relationships even though you're only doing it out of concern,
My advice would be let him get on with it, it will probably run its own course in a matter of time.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 February 2013):
As long as it's between consenting adults and it's not ruining their lives than its healthy.
People are all different and the more judgmental among us tend to forget that. We like to think that there has to be a problem because we don't understand it.
Well you know what I think isn't healthy? Greed, watching too much tv and not reading, Katy Perry, eating processed food, corruption, "news", big corporations, etc. So a girl that chooses to have sex for money isn't that big of a deal to me and a guy that likes it isn't either.
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