A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it weird for a guy to have a lot of friends that are girls, and whose closest friends are girls? Is there ever a time when this is perfectly healthy and NOT a red flag??The last two guys I've dated have had mostly female friends. At the time I didn't think it was a big deal, but now I'm rethinking dating a guy with so many female friends. I broke up with the first guy though because he was always saying flirty comments to his female friends (like "hey, sexy" and then he would hug and get touchy with them, or he would take sexy photographs with them); he also would have his female friends come over and spend the night when I wasn't there. He said they never did anything, but I'll be honest, it bothered me a lot. I met another guy and dated him for a very short time (learning curve). He also had mostly female friends, but he was more honest about it. At one point he admitted that all his female friends were women he had pursued, but who had all rejected him and that he was still attracted to them. Incidentally, he also said that in general he saw women as only baby-makers and he didn't think he could see a woman as an equal companion, which is really the reason why I had to get out of that relationship. These seem to be really bad examples of men who are friends with women. But it makes me think that it's usually unhealthy for a man to have so many female friends, especially if most of and his closest friends are female. Any thoughts? Is there ever a time when this is normal? Should I just use this as a red flag in the future? Both these men were in their thirties by the way (one was in his late thirties).
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 December 2010):
@37 y/o Anonymous: good it worked out for you, but for me it's rare. That said, I think it's different when you have friends who are married/in a relationship. In this case, I think it's possible to have female friends because they already have a partner and shouldn't be romantically interested in you.
And I think I should have explained myself further. The reason I don't really believe in it also has to do with attitude. Guys who want to sleep over at their 'friends' and hug them and call them 'sexy' make me suspicious. And there are a lot of those running around using the 'just friends' card to their advantage.
This doesn't have anything to do with the Stone Age. We aren't as modern as we might think. In these times, you'd think that racism and gay hate, etc. would have been banished. But they aren't. Not for everyone.
If you have the same attitude Illithid has towards this, I would not make a fuss about it. But the problem is that not every guy is like that and it's hard to judge. Because the OP has been burned before by guys with 'many female friends' I would steer clear of those in her case for a while or atleast want to be invited along when he visits these friends so I could see how they are around eachother. If there really is a friend dynamic going on, I would trust the guy. But it's like they say: seeing is believing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You obviously aren't happy with a man who has a lot of female friends, and I think you are right. Why trust someone who can't make friends of his own sex? It means they are incapable of being platonic.
There are plenty of men out there who one woman is enough for. You have been brave enough to get out of it with these others, and know the signs, so wait for someone worth your time.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (20 December 2010):
 I'm a 26 year old guy who has many friends of either gender. I spend time with female friends just the same as I do with males. But I never do more than quickly hug the girls (and only while saying goodbye), I never spend the night with them, never flirt with them (outside of some cliche dirty jokes), and only in one case did I ever have attraction to any of them. They're just friends. But I also believe in full transparency and wouldn't object if a girlfriend wanted to spend time with me when I see these friends.
But at the end of the day, either a girlfriend trusts me and things are ok, or she can't trust me and the female friends aren't the root of the problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Maverick, may I introduce myself. I am a 37-year old straight male who has far more close female friends than male ones. Have always have and I even had a 10-yr relationship with a woman who understood and had no issues with this. If I named my ten closest friends, 8 of them would be female and I have never had any sexual attraction to any of them. My best friend is female, I love her to bits, but have never thought of her in any other way.
This is probably because I grew up in fairly small town and in my class of 21, there were just 4 boys, 2 of whom didn't live in my town, so it was inevitable that I had lots of female friends from a young age and it has remained thus.
Anyone who thinks that, like Harry and Sally, you can't be close friends with someone of the opposite sex, is living in the Stone Age!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (20 December 2010):
 Having opposite-gender friends is fine, but good people curtail their behavior when in a relationship to improve the other person's comfort. So, no more drinking alone with a chick or having sleepovers, for instance.
Generally, most of the guys I know who date/sleep with a lot of girls also have a lot of female friends. That's how they meet girls, through the friends. In your case, it may be how you meet guys. If that's how you meet the guy, it's kind of hard to tell him to stop being friends. It's normal - by which I mean a fairly large minority of guys have lots of or mostly female friends.
Having female friends isn't a red flag. Acting the way these guys acted is. If you're uncomfortable, date more casually (and wait longer to put out) in order to get a feel for him before you really get emotionally committed. Just because he's straight doesn't mean he has zero control over himself.
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A
female
reader, feelslikeimdivorcedalready +, writes (20 December 2010):
I think that you were smart to end the relationships because no it isn't healthy for them in my opinion to have so many female friends. Yes, it is a red flag. Remain his friend and not his relationship. Believe me that you will get treated better, he will respect you and be an overall better person to you. Its the people that they are in a relationship with that they treat badly. I have been around guys like the ones you are talking about.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 December 2010):
To be honest with you I don't believe in this. Sometimes it happens that someone has a brother-sister relationship with someone and they don't have any romantic feelings towards eachother. Some aunties here will testify to that.
BUT I myself have never met anyone who had a friend of the other sex that really was "just a friend". I have tried it myself and it never worked out. There was always one side who had feelings for the other.
When a guy has "many female friends" I would be wary. The word "friend" to me is a term I only use for few people and not acquaintances. So if he's that close to some girls, I would think of it as a red flag.
So, how to judge a situation in the future? Well, "many female friends" would be a red flag no matter how sincere he sounds. This just doesn't work unless you're a gay man. However, if it's just one I would want to see how they are around eachother first before I'd pass judgment.
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