A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, so, background story time. A while ago (a long enough while ago) I got out of a very abusive relationship and moved states. I had been with a man who said terrible things to me and on a few incidences was physically abusive as well. His best friend raped me and told the guy I had been cheating on him and not raped. The guy I was with, D, changed his mind every single day as to whether or not I had been raped or had cheated. Eventually he decided I was a despicable person and just all around not worth his time.I was devastated at first. I really shouldn't have been, that bastard hardly deserved me. Anyway. For a while there I was stalked by the guy who raped me, and accused of stalking the guy who broke up with me (I didn't).That's the background bit.Nowadays I am with a wonderful man who I truly love and is very good to me. Recently I made the decision to tell him what happened to me: the rape and the abuse. There were many reasons for this decision.Firstly, I wanted him to understand why it took me so long to be able to be touched without flinching. There was also the very long time it took us before I was ready to be passionate and intimate. I also explained that sometimes I almost expect him to hurt me. Not because I think he would, but because it is what I'm used to. He also shares the same very rare eye color that my rapist had, and sometimes looking into his eyes brings back flashbacks.Never once did he ask me to stop talking about it. He kept encouraging me by letting me know I could tell him anything and that he wouldn't judge me or think differently of me for whatever happened. He was very understanding of it.He also started crying with me. He started crying harder than me when I told him I was scared that he might hurt me. The implications of that didn't really occur to me until after the words were out of my mouth. It really is not that I don't trust him, just that probably a little part of me is very terrified of a repeat in past experiences. I felt terrible about saying it. I felt worse that I meant it.I do not want to leave him even though sometimes I lose sight of reality and quit seeing him and instead see my rapist (even though there are very few reasons why this should be). They are nothing alike in personality or looks (other than the eye color) or in mannerisms. I cannot express the relief and pure happiness I feel whenever I am snapped free from such reveries and see my man instead of *him*.I suppose I have a few questions. Is it unfair to him that I should be with him when I am in such a state of mind? I've been told that these scars will stick with me for my entire life, even if they are not always obvious. He has also made mention that he does not want me to leave. I also wonder if this is normal in my case? That I might look at him and sometimes see my rapist.Any insight would be wonderful, thank you.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Dear friend,
First of all, I am so sorry that you and to go through such a horrific experiences in such a young age. You are a very strong woman, and never deserve to be treated in such a way. I believe in God, and I know for sure you will be happy, and have a wonderful life.
It's only fair that you feel this way. You will always remember what happened, but with time this experience will only make you stronger, and better person. I am so happy that you moved away from these sick people, and you will never see them again. Just remember that all is in the past, and I know it's impossible to forget, but try not to think too much. It's over, it's the past, and finally you are free.
I am so happy you are finally in a healthy, loving relationship. After being abuse for so long, this might feel different, but know that the way your boyfriend treats you is normal. You deserve to be loved, cared for, and be respected. Also, you did the right thing telling him how you feel, and about your past. He needs to know so he can understand you, and you needed to tell him for your own sanity.
He seems to be a great guy, and you are a lovely lady. The relationship sounds perfect, and so far you are doing the right things. It's very nice that you have a good communication, and it's good to know that he loves you so much, and support you.
You deserve him. You deserve to be happy. This is your new life! Just remember, always take your time, and do not be afraid to express your feelings. Also, do not let your past control you. Sometimes, you might feel frustrated to feel this way, but understand that if you get weak, it's only normal. After all you are human being, and you cannot always be perfect. It takes time to heal, but I am sure you will... So far you've shown you are very strong.
Love him, enjoy life!!
Best wishes / good luck
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (18 November 2011):
 It seems like he really cares about you and is willing to accept your scars. No one is perfect we all have scars whether their mental or physical.
Instead of asking if he deserves you be thankful you found someone that accepts you.
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