A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone my boyfriend and me have just got a house together we have 2 kids we have lived together for 4 months now the problem is he agreed to pay the rent while I pay the gas electric and water food and things for the kids I have 2 jobs only adding up to 17 hours a week my boyfriend works full time the problem is he now expects me to pay half of the rent as well as pay everything else so all he has to pay is £250 every month while I pay everything else is this fair what do I say to him about this as I don’t feel it's fair I pay £600 a month out on bills and keep the kids in clothes and things they need thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 September 2016):
 Straight up he’s trying to mooch off you and save himself a pretty penny! IF the rental lease is in 2 names, then yes he can ask you to pay half. Yet what does that say about his agreement, his word as a man? Plus IF the children are his, he can cough up expenses too.
You tell him his proposal is not fair and the rent needs to remain and be his responsibility. Your 17 hours can’t compete with the generous Full-time pay-packet. Plus the both of you need a budget in place, too discuss pooling X amount of money from your savings account into one common household budget account.
OR IF you prefer your finances separate then be sure to be in the advantage. You contribute to the lesser amounts, e.g. Gas, Electricity, Water and Clothing... Let him pay Rent, food, education and holidays. I believe a woman should always have a bit extra cash/savings for rainy days.
Don’t allow him to bully you into paying ½ the rent if it’s not in both names and don’t accept his excuse of putting you on the lease either as that’ll be a con to get you to pay up. If your name is on the lease, remind him of his agreement.
Frankly he’s calculating and greedy looking after his own interests while you go poor and without reserve savings of your own. Funny how things/people change once you start living together?
Take Care & Be Wise – CAA
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 September 2016):
 I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to these issues. I know that in this day and age it should be 50/50, but you are making less money than he is and for me personally I would expect that he handle most of the major bills. For eg. Rent and other bills like Electric and cable. You can handle groceries and clothing for the children. If you were making as much money as he is then 50/50 is fair. I know that roles and expectations are changing, but I think he should "man" up and be a better provider.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2016): No sis you take that fool back to the beginning, no not the beginning of your relationship. to the beginning or near the beginning of time.Men are supposed to be the main bread winners period, there is nothing new under the sun, besides what happens to the slack that he"s saving?Does it go into his personal chk/sav acct.i FORGET, but if you all are married lose this I pay this you pay that ^^^, put the bread in one account and TCB,if you make more than him pressure that lazy sob to get another or better job.You know how stuff is supposed to be sis, just like on leave it to beaver and father knows best,(with a twist) don't let no tell you what you already know but won't exercise. GO SET HIM STRAIGHT.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 "Flexibility is a very good thing ,but only if it does not force other people's choices."
I agree. The OP's BF is NOT being very flexible is he? She works 2 job that only adds up to 17 hours a week, given that... it's most likely low paying jobs/minimum wage.
So, no I don't think it's fair to change the rules AFTER they move in together to benefit himself.
I would however sit down and make a budget. Maybe OP CAN help with the rent, but then the BF needs to be FLEXIBLE and help with other bills.
And quite honestly, utilities + food + needs for the kids would be more than 500. So why is it that SHE with a tiny income should shoulder the majority of the costs? How is that being "flexible"?
A budget doesn't have to be rigid, it's a guideline to help people make sure they CAN afford whatever life style they are going for.
And yes, had the OP been a dude with a smaller income, I would say the same.
OP agreed to something with her BF, HE agreed too. However, HE changed his mind with little regard to her income.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 Yeah, you fooled me,llifton, - I was just reaching for my Slang dictionary to check what's the "fireplace" thing,LOL.
I do not disagree with you ,basically- I said it too, agreements may change,- for a " justifiable reason " : the point is , what exactly is a justifiable reason.
IMO, an unilateral change of mind, or unilateral change of heart, or a personal preference are not a justifiable reason . " Because it works better for me " is not a justifiable reason - once you have, and live with, a family.
Another thing is that people with children to raise can't allow themselves, and don't want too !, the same flexibility than childess people." Go with the flow roll with the punches " works best for non parents. A parent who suddenly finds himself / herself earning much more than the partner, would most probably choose to set aside the extra income for things the kids may need in future ( from dental braces to a college education ... ) over indulging the partner or helping him / her out with previous obligations.
Another thing we don't know, and to think about, is : this couple has moved together very recently, 4 months ago. So , regardless of the kids, apparently so far they had had different living solutions than cohabitation
Would the OP have accepted to go live together, had she known from the start that she was going to pay ALSO 250 £ on top of all the rest, or would she have stayed put ?...
Flexibility is a very good thing ,but only if it does not force other people's choices.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 September 2016):
 Edit: **taking advantage of you unjustifiably** as opposed to "I'm just a fireplace." Although that typo did make me laugh.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 September 2016):
In my humble and respectful opinion, I think things change in relationships. My ex years ago moved in with me on the premise that we split things evenly down the middle. As it turned out, I ended up making more money and she had a bunch of debt to pay off. I happily paid more every month to accommodate her and help her get out of debt. We were a team. And I'm sure if the roles were reversed she would have done the same for me.
Perhaps money just doesn't matter as much to me as it does to others. If I agreed to pay a certain amount with a gf/bf and wound up having to pay a bit more for a justifiable reason (key word being justifiable), that would be more than okay with me. Because there's so much more to worry about than finances if it's not breaking my bank account. If it doesn't break me and I don't feel like my partner is using me than what is the worry?
However, if I get the impression they are just using me for a free ride, that changes everything. I have also kicked a partner out because of them abusing my kindness. I think it all really just depends on the circumstance.
I personally don't believe that a relationship should be so rigid and inflexible. You should be able to rely on each other in times of need if need be. That's just my 2 cents. But like I said I don't know your particular financial situation nor do I know his. If you feel that he is taking advantage of you I'm just a fireplace then you have every right to feel the way that you do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 September 2016):
No, it's not fair at all.
And personally I think it would not be fair even if you were earning , with your part time jobs, more than him with his full time ! ( although it is not probable ,llifton. In USA some people can live just fine basically on tips alone , if they are in the right place. But in UK,... not that I know ).
Why ? For the simple reason that the OP says " he agreed to pay rent while I pay the gas electric water food etc. ".
This was the agreement he had accepted before getting a place together, or at the very beginning of their cohabitation, I imagine.
And now he takes his word back ... because he found it inconvenient and discovered he could do with more pocket money ? Oh poor darling.
What if , by the same token, he wakes up tomorrow and demands to pay only 125 , not 250 ?
A pact is a pact. Honest , decent people do not even need to sign a written contract (.. in hindsight, it's a pity that you two omitted this step ) to respect an agreement. The agreement stands, unless of course in case of serious and unpredictable events ( like illness or job loss ).
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 September 2016):
Everyone here says it's not fair but if it were the other way around and the man were paying three-quarters of the bills and the woman hardly paying anything I highly doubt anyone would think it was unfair and that she was using him. Like I said I think it really depends on the circumstances.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 September 2016):
It sounds unfair on the surface. But I would say it really depends on how much both of you make. I currently work as a bartender til I finish school and only work about the same amount of hours you work a week. But I also make more than most people who work full time in tips. For example, the girl I'm seeing works a full 40 hour work week every week and I make more than her. So despite me only working part time and her full time, I still pay for most things we do.
Once again it really just depends on the circumstances. As I said it appears on the surface to be quite unfair. But a little more details might be necessary.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 September 2016):
 To put it bluntly - this man is using you.
No it is not fair, that he only pays £250 a month.
£250 for rent, food, bills, cooking, cleaning, free sex...... he has it made, and his own private servant. YOU.
This man is a grown up. He has TWO CHILDREN with you, and as a responsible adult he has legal responsibilities to those children.
Should you split up, you could take him to court to claim child support, and it would be a lot more than £250!
I don't think he sounds very committed to you or the children, and the fact that you have only been living together for 4 months, despite having had two children really should be setting off all the alarm bells for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2016):
Of course it's not fair!
You sit him down and make a budget with him. If he can't agree to this, maybe you need to reconsider living together with him.
If you don't speak up, nothing will change.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 No off course it is not fair. Me personally I think that you both should pay equally. Sit down and talk to him about this, don't allow him to take advantage. It could also work that you both set up a joint account for joint expenses like bills and things for the house and kids. Agree on an amount that you both pay in equally every week and it is fair on you both then. However if you are only working part time because you need to look after the children, I would imagine that he should be putting in more than you.
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