A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm falling out of love with my husband of 12 years and in love with this man at work... Checked out advice everyone gives in such cases and the overwhelming majority says 'work on your marriage, forget the other man, it's just a crush, recreate love for your husband etc.'. Isn't there anyone who has had more than one love in their lifetime and found happiness after they divorced their first hubby?What if you married young, and then have grown up and changed, your values changed etc. Then someone else appears on the horizon who is a true soulmate for you at that stage in your life... You fall for him not because he is 'hot', but for what he is, you respect and admire him etc... Isn't this a common enough situation?If everyone always avoids temptation and tries to recreate old feelings of love to their current partner - is this really the way to true happiness? Isn't there anyone out there who found happiness having left their husband and followed their 'temptation'??? Can someone share experience how they knew that the new feeling was the real thing worth following?
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female
reader, lusciouscream  +, writes (17 October 2008):
I think that everything they say is true. I am also going through most likely the same situation with you. The pain is like hell. And all the thoughts will drive you crazy.Most people will agree that you have to work out your marriage first before resorting to breaking up with him. You have to do your best, do your part. If you have kids, think about how they would feel.I am trying to forget this man. I know he likes me but he never said that he loves me. Love works wonders. If that man really loves you and you are really meant for him, then doing it the right way would be no question. Love will make it happen.Spend time alone and think what you really want to be. Sometimes, we don't really know what we have until we lost them. But it's actually not that way. We always know what we have but we don't really expect we'll lose it. Don't let this happen to you. Your husband might be the best you have that's why you realized 12 years ago that you want to share your life with him. If you had already spent 12 years of your life with him, what is 12? 20? or 50 years more?I know it's hard but let Him do what he knows is rightfully for us. I am also seeking answer why I have to go through this. If this is just a test, I'm sure there's a lesson we'll learn from it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Hmmm Anon if you had 10 years of perfect marriage and in the 12th year you are here writing this question it was obviously not a perfect marriage wasn't it.If you had worked on your love when things were becoming routine- with love notes,quality time,more hugs and kisses things wouldn't have got so far with the other guy.I understand and agree you are married not dead in order not to get attracted to another guy.At this point is where the working on the love part comes in.you remember when he stayed awake with your sick child so that you can catch up on your sleep,wakes you up with the perfect cup of coffee,thinks you are oh so gorgeous when you have just woken up from sleep and think you look absolutely horrible,makes sure you can lead a comfortable life by working his **** off in the office.In India 60% of us have arranged marriages.We get married first and fall in love later.I think everything else in a marriage is perfectly same in almost all the other countries.If your husband was contemplating this or was having an affair on the sly would you feel good about it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Having had only the one husband, I can't speak to your questions about having found happiness with a new love.
What I do know about marriage is that it is hard work. Not everyday, not all the time, but it does require a certain dedication and devotion to the other person to help keep it running. It doesn't always run smoothly, in fact the bumps can be really tough to deal with. But the whole idea is that you face them together and have promised to each other that you will try to work them out.
What I don't understand about some of the questions here is why the question asker isn't doing everything in his or her power to try to work on the marriage. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but why don't people throw everything they've got into trying to work on the marriage? It's not like a new car or a new house or a new job, is it?
You chose this man to be your partner, you said you'd stick with him. I don't know what led you to be married at a young age. Unexpected pregnancy, perhaps?
I married rather late in life, I was 34. So I'm not the best one to answer this question, I guess, but yes, we've hit a few bumps, and yes, some of those could have been fatal to the marriage, had either of us chosen to let them be. We chose otherwise.
If you have to work so hard to convince yourself that you're in the right marriage, well then, yes, you need to take a good long hard look at the marriage. But why is it that it takes another man coming along to have you decide that it may be time to move on? Why didn't you tackle this 3 years ago, or whenever things started to go south?
I don't know you or your husband; it may be that you were married even though you were fundamentally incompatible. So then it would be reasonable to leave the marriage.
What I question is the motivation. You've been happy enough to muddle along in what you've got with your husband. Suddenly, this fabulous new man appears and now you're choosing whether or not to leave.
Can I say that this extremely lazy on your part? In several ways. For putting up with the bad communication, the marriage, and having the idea that marriage is always perfect. For waiting until some new man comes along to crystallize your resentment. For not working on feeling 'perfect together' again.
Why aren't you fighting with every fiber of your being to save your love for the man you chose to marry?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): I might be mistaken but I think you have posted here before. "something like lust or love"; in fact wait a minute I might recall that posting; it might give you additional answers.However it sounds like the same question to me.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-a-crush-or-is-it-love.htmlIf you are the same poster, I suggest you seek counseling; we cannot help you on this site. We can merely advice you and I sincerely suggest you seek professional help.I think you want us to say yes, it is okay, go ahead have the affair with this guy. BUT....unfortunately I cannot do this; due to more then one reason: not enough information and you have not convinced me that this is your SOUL MATE; I have been there personally, yes I know it feels like walking a tight rope; but you need to FOCUS and stay balanced otherwise, oh dear you can not afford to lose balance whilst walking on the tight rope;I think you have more serious issues then what you are prepared to describe here on the site; vow,if I am wrong forgive me; but it I am right: I suggest you consult with a private counselor or contact some of the uncles or aunts via Private Message. I do think you should get HELP before you make a choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, everyone!
...and no, I haven't made up my mind yet. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. I'm not the type to look for reassurance. When a decision is made, I go for it.
...interesting views.
I hate to think of love as something you have to convince yourself of every morning (Bugs' point). For almost 10 years of my marriage I didn't have to do it. I was damn sure I loved my husband and we were perfect together. Now that I don't have this feeling anymore since a few years back, I wonder if it's just a 'patch'...
And, Anonymous, you are absolutely right: it's myself I have to spend the rest of my life with. So why torture the only person you are stuck with? :)
And, another Anonymous, yes - communication with my husband has changed for the worse. Perhaps that's something I can work on before jumping boats... Only I hope that, in the meantime, my (curently) perfect boat doesn't sail away :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): You will know beyond any doubt. Your mind will be crystal clear. This may sound like, oh whatever... but trust me, you will experience an overwhelming feeling when you are with this person, and that's when you know... this is real. Been there, done that, now begining to live with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Do you even know what love is??Love is not wham!bam!Thank you sex.Love is not butterflies fluttering in and out of your body.Love is not the goose flesh that you get when you touch someone for the first time.After 12 years of marriage love stops being a feeling.It is a decision.you say to yourself everyday "I love this guy.he is my husband,the father of my kids".Its very easy to fall in and out of love.Its not what marriage is about.I feel bad that you have taken the decision already and are looking for people who are going to say "Go for it!".After 12 yrs the sex becomes lesser than before,the attention is less.Then there comes Mr.Right swaggering into your life giving you the much needed attention.After 12 years another Mr.Right is going to come who is going to be your Mr.Perfect according to your values and expectations at that age?Is this what you want?Sometimes we never realize the value of what you have.As Sidney rightly said "Freud is not the father of psychology.Aesop was".Everyone faces temptations.No one is exempt from it.At the end of the day what you do about it makes you the person you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Hi take it from me, I went down this path after thinking I knew someone new, who I felt I had fallin in love with and had totally, I gave up my marriage, house the lot to be with my new soulmate, I found out the hard way that after the first flushes of romance and sex were over, I relised that I had left much much better behind. All the ussual strains in life were back only my new love wasn't quite what he appeared to be.My 1st husband by this time had moved on and was totally happy and content, oh how I wish I had taken the time to make him that way instead of sneaking about behind his back,din't work out for me and I now have to live with that for the rest of my life.Think long and hard before jump ship, sometimes what appears to be the most loving person in the world don't turn out to be what they really are once they have got a hold of you fulltime, their ego trip is over,you have satisified their lust and if they have done it with you they may feel even more conifident about trying again once you become theur everyday. Hope this helps you, Take care Becky
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Sweetie,
You make it sound like you´ve already made your choice and u are just looking for reassurance. If you want to get a divorce and persue a life with the other guy then just do it. Getting affirmation from people who have made a similar choice is not going to make your choice/ situation any easier. Others answers are not your answers. It is you who has to approve the choice, not others. There are those whose life has taken a turn for the better when they´ve left their spouses to be with someone else. Then there are those who have stayed and worked on their long-term relationships and have found happiness again.
You have to listen to yourself and yourself only.
You might still able to work things out with your husband. The co-worker could well be your "true soulmate". You might end up with either one or you may end up with neither. You might end up being on your own for a while. One cannot base one´s fundamental decisions in life purely based on who one is with. There are other factors too. But this relationship thing is something YOU need to figure out. You and you alone.
Remember: there is only one person in the world you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Yourself.
And you are the one who holds the responsibility of making you happy. Therefore, once again, don´t seek answers in other people´s choices. Every relationship is different, every person is different, as we all know. And the only people who really know what´s going on a relationship are the ones who are in it.
I hope you find your answers, take care and don´t forget to enjoy life outside the relationship problems!
Best of luck!
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): How is your relationship with your husband? Communication, trust, romance, and commitment are the basics on a great relationship. People have flings at work. Are they normal, NO. Do they happen? Yes. You might be spending too much time at work or don't have the flirting at home. Try going on a date once a week. Leave little notes for each other. You should never leave someone for someone else. Because you may feel guilt in the long run. If your marriage is over then it's over. Get through one thing at a time.
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