A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok everyone I need your advice. Is it ever ok to give an ultimatum? I have been with my boyfriend for five years and I have had it. We have been in the same holding pattern for the last three to four years not moving forward not moving backward only moving sideways. We are both in our thirties and have children from previous relationships. We talk about it but he is very vague and says someday. I am tired of waiting for someday and want him to figure out what he wants. We don't even live together, he says he wants to be married first but has no problem with me staying the night and sleeping over and no problem playing house. I feel like it's the old saying my grandfather told me long ago, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Do ultimatums ever work? I don't want him to marry me because he feels like he has to I want him to want to. THat is why it has taken me so long to actually put an ultimatum on the table. I have braced myself for the what if: that it blows up in my face and our relationship is over and Im really not doing this to force his hand. This has become about me and what is no longer acceptable to me in our relationship. Of course I love him and this is extremely hard and I don't really think he believes it he keeps asking me over and then goes through angry spells telling me I walked out on him. I told him he doesn't love me enough to have me stay. Does this ever work? Did I do the right thing? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Oh wow! I hope you get this email. I just ran across it and the SAME thing happened to me but I was the one that got the ultimatum. We also dated for 5 years and he gave me one--pretty much marry me by the end of summer or we are through. I ended up doing it but we had a pretty tough year. I was angry w/ him for setting up the ultimatum but he (and you) were right to set the stakes down and stop letting someone keep you on the fence. I am very indecisive but I am also a Christian so I hope God helps me settle into married life and become a good wife. How are you guys doing? Please tell me good:) I could use some encouragement. New married friend.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2009):
 I didn't finish my story. I married him. He needed the ultimatum to move him along. I think it was just hard for him to make the mental transition from single guy to married man. Ask him now and he sheepishly admits he needed the kick in the heinie.
Just remember, you're not trying to be mean. You're simply being truthful about what you expect from a relationship. You only have one go-round, so why spin wheels with someone who simply cannot commit?
You sound like you've got a good handle on this. I'm interested to learn how it goes; please let us know if you care to!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice! It has been very helpful! I think your right about the emotional blackmail and he does need to find something else to do with his dog. I have a support system friends and family that all are telling me that im doing the right thing. It just really hurts you have hopes and dreams of marrying the man your in love with and then to find out that's not his intention is heartbreaking!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 October 2009):
Forgot to mention my thought on the dog: he does have to find another place to take care of it. You need some time with no contact to help get you over the initial post-breakup stress. I think it's part of the emotional blackmail. You're doing him a favor, he's not entitled to your time and energy. Sorry. Again, be firm but nice about it. No need for tantrums or yelling.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 October 2009):
I think you are doing the right thing for yourself at this time. This isn't about him being a bad person or you being an impatient person--this is about timing and what you think your path to your future looks like.
He's fine with things as they are. That's okay if you're feeling fulfilled and content. You are not, you want to get married. That's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you don't care about him.
Look, I think you have hit that point. I hit it too, years ago, and delivered "the ultimatum". We were in an LDR and I had had enough of that. It was either take it to the next level or I was going back on the market to find someone who was willing to commit. I gave my guy a one year time limit. Then he got a 6 month reminder, and then a 3 month. Finally, at the end, I was calm and collected and I knew that while I would be unhappy and upset at the breakup, I was ready to cope with the trauma because I was making the right decision for myself.
I was sad but firm and calm about it. Either we get engaged or I am back out there dating other men. I meant it, and I had already set out how I was going to cope by lining up friends and family to support me. They knew what I was going through, which helped a lot. He was upset and I think somewhat astonished that I was actually sticking to the ultimatum I had laid out the previous year. I walked.
I was not angry with him, I was not mean, I did not yell, I did not freak out. I cried, I admit, I was sad and full of regret. I was calm because I had taken control of my life back, it was no longer a question mark, I knew that I was heading in the right direction. I loved him like crazy but I also knew that what we had going was not sustainable for the future. It wasn't going to work for me, and if it wasn't going to work for me, it wasn't going to work. What was fine at the beginning when we were just getting to know each other wasn't enough at the end. He'd had 2 years to figure it out before the ultimatum; at the time of the break up he'd had 3 years. He knew me as well as he ever was going to. Time to fish or cut bait.
Are you talking to friends about this? Do you have support? You feel very uncertain about this, when I think you might be feeling a sense of relief and a sense of resolve. If his way of coping with this stressor is tantrums and emotional blackmail, maybe you could indeed do better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I mean about angry spells is nothing like him flipping out or getting violent. He will just get upset and say wtf I can't believe your leaving me, you don't care abut me and you don't love me if you did you wouldn't walk out on me. I didn't lay it all on the line I didn't tell him marry me or else. I told him that I am no longer happy with the fact that this relationship is going nowhere and I am ready and want more and if he can't give me that than I have to leave for my own happiness. Now he is using his dog as an excuse to stay in contact cause I would watch her while he was at work. I told him that he needs to find somthing to do with her cause I need to sever ties and I can't do that watching his dog. He calls me mean ans harsh and says everything was fine why do I have to do this and I remind him that I am not fine and I am not happy and I have been patient hoping he would get on the same page but its clear that's not going to happen so I need to worry about my own happiness. Am I right after five years you know and ithink he knows his answer he just doesn't want me to go yet cause he wants his cake and eat it too. I mean he won't even live with me. When I signed my new lease last march I told him when it was up we would be moving in together and now he keeps saying I indian gave 5 months my response is if he doesn't know know its not going to change in 5 months if it hasn't changed in 5 years. What do you guys think?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 What angry spells? You say it as almost an afterthought but it does give me the impression that something more is going on? What exactly?
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 You don't need to give ultimatums. You need to tell him how you feel and that you're not happy with the situation. You need to tell him what you want and expect and if he can't give you that then it might be for the best to part. Let him think about that. If he's serious and he cares he'll do something of his own will. You just need to tell him how you feel but allow him the time and space to make up his mind. You also have to be sure that you can walk away if he doesn't change. There is no point in putting it all on the line and then in case he doesn't change you return to how it was before. As satindesire said, you have to be sure that you are prepared to go through with it. Tell him what you need and expect and if he's not prepared to go there, you have to be prepared to leave.
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reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (22 October 2009):
You are right. You don't want him to marry you out of pressure. This is where it gets sticky though. See deciding to ask a girl to marry him and actually doing it well that is his moment. And it should stay that way. If you give him an ultimatum say "marry me or I am leaving". If he asks you after that you can almost be 100% sure he did it because you pressured him. Don't try to take control of that moment for him. However if the relationship isn't progressing like you were hoping then you simply need to end it (no ultimatum) and move on. Do not and I repeat DO NOT take that moment from him as it will make for a bad start to a marriage if he succumbs
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