A
female
age
36-40,
*eeley345
writes:I'm at breaking point in my relationship with my mother. We've never had the best of relationships anyway but I'm seriously considering cutting her out of my life. My mother has never liked or loved me as a person. I certainly have never felt it or adored as children should be. Most of my life she spent putting me down, criticizing everything I did from my personality to my looks. She was never happy. I was a 'difficult child' apparently. How was I difficult? I was and still am an opinionated person. I have a strong personality and I think what my mother wanted was the opposite, for me to say ''yes mum, no mum three bags full mum'' a child who'd agree with everything she said etc just so my mother could have a quiet life. She'd tell anyone and everyone how horrible, useless and a failure I was. She told me to my face how I was not a pleasure to be around. I was molested twice by a family member and my mother called me a liar when I told her. The list is endless of her wrongs.Fast forward to now. I'm nearly 30, and doing very well career wise. That personality or person she hated so much, helped me become who I am today. I'd never want to be like anyone else. My mother feels it's appropriate to tell me she loves me and is proud of me. To me this is insulting and hypocritical. My question is how do I forgive her or should I ? I've told her and made her aware of her shortcomings past and present and she burst into tears recently saying ''criminals are forgiven for their wrongdoings but I'll never be forgiven by you'' Is it even worth forgiving her? She does try to make amends and go the extra mile but blows it in the end. She over tries basically. She knows I don't feel for her like a daughter would and have asked her to play a background role in my life, that is...not get involved or be a part of it. e.g I did not invite her to my graduation. But she can't seem to get the message. I don't want hypocritical or two faced people in my life and she's one of those people. Her compliments, 'love' and fake pride make me angry and are unwelcome. Is it even worth the effort to have her in my life? We had a fall out this weekend, her fault slightly and she seems very depressed. I do feel guilty and at the same time believe you reap what you sow. I'm torn between trying to forgive her but how? And cutting her off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): Good luck I hope you find the peace your seeking. I didn't speak to my mother for 7 years, we made amends but it was fragile,she took ill suddenly and died before I could say goodbye,the last time I had seen her we argued and had not spoken for nearly a year.I have never cried so much at a funeral.I was never good enough but see now,as a mother, she was just trying to guide me with her criticism.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Thank you for your feedback,
And I really hope things go well
Regards
Abella
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (28 May 2013):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, your advice was by far the best and made sense. The others advice was good too so thanks to the other answerers. But Abella, it was like you could read my emotions and mind and did not make me feel worse. You're right about one thing, she failed to protect me. I did speak with her today and told her how i feel and what I want and that is...very little of her in my life. She says she'll try to keep her distance and I hope she keeps her promise as she's broken many.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I also didn't invite my mother to my graduation. Didn't even tell her when it was. She doesn't say she loves me (never), and is full of criticism. It's messed me up with relationships. Please avoid that happening to you - therapy would be a good idea if your self esteem is low. X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): You both seem to tell each other, the faults in your characters. Mom did iit to you when you were young, now you do it to her? think about it, you do make her cry, as she has you.
Is there any way you can both wipe the slates clean and build a new relationship?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 May 2013):
Some mothers, for a myriad of reasons, have a disconnect with one or some or all their children from the start. Maybe a good psychologist or psychiatrist could unravel why.To the outsider it is a mystery.But children remember the slights, the disinterest, or the outright blatantly unkind or unjust actions that keep on building up to sabotage the relationship.All that tension has to go somewhere. It should not be allowed to destroy you.Just as we are all responsible for our actions, so too are others responsible for their actions.We cannot hope to change their outlook.But we can change our actions in the face of negativity.I often wonder just how seriously unfulfilled and unhappy a person must be if they can only get their satisfaction from putting others down, criticizing everything and finding fault.Others might like to suggest, 'Oh it couldn't be that bad?'Trouble is they did not live with it, day in day out.Loved children have ways of behaving and reacting. They expect to be loved where they go. They are used to praise and being hugged. They know they are accepted. no matter what. Sure they might sometimes have to be disciplined, but it is dispensed with explanations and without judgement. They are allowed time to explain their side of things. They know they are loved even if they have messed up. They are not humiliated at home. They go into the world expecting the best of people and they are drawn to people who on the same page as them.Whereas children who have suffered are more wary. They may try harder. They expect criticism so they try to make sure they do everything right. But cracks can appear. They find it harder to trust others. They are always more alert for unforseen danger or roadblocks.You were not a "difficult" child except in her twisted vision of what is the reality for her.Even if you were the Next Miss World or the Next Nobel Prize Winner or the Next Rhodes Scholar it would still never have been good enough. You could not win because your mother could not acknowledge your abilities and your strength.You probably learned to be opinionated in order to stand up for yourself and survive in the face of her constant criticism. You fought back in a way that preserved your self-esteem, while she constantly tried to demolish your self-esteem. You survived because of that strength. You were never inadequate. And you were never ready to give up and act defeated as her trained obedient lap dog, who said yes and no, when required. If you had given in she would not have stopped criticizing you. In fact your defeated stance would have "proved" she had been right all along. But you refused to play the game with her rules. All power to you. Your mother tried to bully you because of inadequacy within your mother. Not inadequacy within you.She tried to character assassinate you. But it did not work. She only demeaned herself by trying to paint you as the problem.A loving mother would never do that to a child. A loving mother is proud of her child and proud of their achievements. That your mother was so toxic and inadequate that she could not face that she failed to protect you and failed to get you the protection and support you deserved is her FAULT entirely. NOT your fault at all. You were an INNOCENT child and your mother failed in her duty of care to you. You can never be blamed for the sins of your mother. This site can give you more support on that issue: www.rainn.org.I am very sorry that you suffered that appalling pain as a child.So now you are nearly thirty and you have had enough. All congratulations to you that you have created a good career path for you. And you can see right through hypocrisy and lies and false praise. Yes you can reject insincere praise. It is your mother trying to claw back some power over you. She can see that you are well able to stand on your own two feet.There is love and hate. Both are strong emotions and each feeds and consumes a lot of energy, some of it very negative. One is the opposite of the other. And there is indifference. Indifference means that she can no longer push your buttons. You have moved on. You have a life to lead and she has forfeited the right to have any control over your direction in life, once you are strong enough to move on, without guilt.Sure she might still try to bad mouth you but she will be talking to people who will also come to see her nasty side. By then you will have excused yourself from the room and you can decide to not come back into any space she is in. (hence why you need some counselling first to deal with walking away from a toxic relative) You have tried your best to put your case for a different relationship, where there is empathy and mutual respect. But based on her false praise and insincerity she still thinks things can back to the way they were, once you "come to your senses :(" Well the time is up.You do have a right to live your life without needing to think about her reaction, if your decide to back-back in Peru or Cycle across America in your own time.Yes abusers want to be forgiven, but that is because they can see their power slipping away. They will manipulate and even try to get others to "talk some sense into you" and throw every guilt trip on to you, to get back to where they need to be, so that they can start undermining you again.You do not have to fall for the manipulation. Anyone who has never experienced a toxic unkind abusive and bullying parent will be horrified that I am suggesting that you break with your parent, if you are strong enough to deal with any fall out. I am a mother and I adore my children. Yet I know that not all parents and not all mothers are the same. Just a glance through the Court cases and the Abuse accounts if you ever find the time to sit in a Court room and listen to such evidence would disgust any good parent, and cause one to realise that not all mothers, nor all fathers, are the same in terms of parenting skills. Your Graduation was a huge milestone. And it says so much about how much hurt you had suffered, that you did not want your mother there. The joy was yours to celebrate. Her presence would have taken the edge off your joy.You have the right to spend time with people who are not fake and who are not false to your face and undermining behind your back.Who wants to spend the rest of their life with their stomach in knots on the way to see their mother, with a sick feeling rising up the closer they get to her home? Only to face more criticism when they get there?Society thinks the act of becoming a mother automatically infuses each new mother with all the skills and experience and empathy to be a good mother. And her child comes to know that woman more surely than anyone else, other than a sibling. If there is discord the child may not even realize what is wrong until later. Some mothers are just not equipped to be mothers, and no matter what, they never become the sort of mother a child or children need. I think an example is my mother in law, who I loved dearly. She told me at length about some shockingly manipulative and selfish things her own mother in law did to her. Constantly undermining her and constantly backstabbing and offering feint praise, while criticizing her to others, which was only discovered once the damage was done. And often spreading lies about her. Because of her toxic mother in law, she decided as a young bride that she would become the best mother in law (at some time in the future) that any daughter in law could ever have. The reasons why some mothers never quite grasp what IS motherhood may be deeply buried in their past experiences. For instance I have a GGG grandmother who eloped at 18 with a man 38. Her parents cut her off and never spoke to her again. Hard to think how a mother could do that to her own child, but clearly both the mother and father decided to punish their daughter for the rest of her life.I have seen examples of mothers who just don't get what it means to be a mother. Once you were a little older you would have seen many examples where you saw or sensed an inconsistency in your mother's behavior. Such things set up distrust. Who wants to live in a way where you always have to be on your guard to try to head of unjustified criticism from your mother?Another good example I am aware of is a mother whose daughter constantly felt slighted by her mother, and constantly saw her sibling favored. Except it was obvious to outsiders. One daughter was given a very little, the other daughter was given more of everything. It was embarrassing to see it happening. Her mother poured scorn on her for even daring to suggest that she was deliberately favoring one child over another.Yet finally, when the lady died her children found that her Will had been made when her children were aged 14 and 16 (still at school) and her Will completely favored one child and left out the other child in the cold financially. But by the time the lady died her children were aged 65 and 63. How could a have mother decided when her children were still dependant teenagers that she would leave a Will so unequal? Clearly the mother was lying to her child over a period of decades.So when her child sensed, even as a girl, that her mother's affections favored one child over another? The girl's suspicions were accurate. Something like that has to leave emotional scars.If you do not want your mother in your life then get some counselling to deal with, face, and get over the guilt.As you are a capable woman you can go forward, with or without your mother.If the hurt and the pain run so deep and you feel you have done everything to try to make things work, then it is your choice. If you do attend some counselling I am sure the counsellor will be able to confirm that such breaks do happen. It is sad, but gee, how many more decades of "sad" are you supposed to put up with? You have a life to lead. One where your mother's approval is not part of the equation. Imagine how that will free you up? And allow you to decide your direction in your life.My good wishes to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): i feel really sorry for u, i too had terrible father who used to have terrible father who always beat me like hell never showed any love he treated us like servents..may be i feel we are unlucky to get parents like that which not our fault:-(
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (28 May 2013):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust some extra info, I don't want a relationship with my mother. So no building bridges or trying to resolve issues. I just want to know how I can live happily and have a cordial 'relationship' with her for the sake of those around us and my sanity. A mother daughter relationship is not what I'm seeking with her. It's too late for that now and I don't want it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): First, I really do understand. I have a VERY similar situation with my mother and it is SO difficult to forgive, especially parents when they have done you great harm.But I realized, that I HAD to forgive my mother because resenting her was killing me (the old adage: resentment is like me drinking poison, and waiting for you to die). And, I had to see what my part was in our strained relationship in order to get there too. She probably is proud of you and does love you, consider taking those words at face value. That does mean you don't deserve better and that her love is a perfect one, but taking her inventory and trying to change her isn't going to help any, in fact (as you already probably know) it only makes things worse.Your mother is spiritually sick, and instead of being angry at her (which is normal), work on seeing her from this perspective. I would venture to say she herself came from a dysfunctional and abusive home, maybe mental illness is also apart of her story. In no way am I trying to make less of her behavior, I am just suggestion you try to shift your outlook on it because the most important person is you in this situation and clearly your hurt is eating you up inside.As for cutting her off, that is really a hard call. I am all for cutting toxic people out of your life, but I feel that you still have some more work to do before you make that call. Have you ever talk to a professional about all this? It may prove to be a very important step in resolving this issues with your mother. Good luck with it all, so many of us can relate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Hi, no matter what she is , she is your mum and no one can take that place. If something does happen to her, you will feel the pain and loss. We dont live forever, and it is not worth being hurt and bitter, let it go and embrace her in your life. We are all far from perfect and she is human and not everyone makes great parents.You are successful but what would make you a better person is embracing her into your life. Would you want your kids deprevived of their grandmother and wonder why they do not have one?Forgive her and forget the past, take her to the graduation. Her opinion and her support does mean a lot to you or you would not be asking the question. Why dont you try reaching out to her! Goodluck and wish you a fresh start to a new relationshi with your mum.
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reader, NurseBetty85 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Wow, I feel like you are my twin. I'm in my late twenties and have issues with my mom. I even have had things happend to as a child with family members and she called me a liar also. I have a very strong and open mind, she hates it! We always argue about that. She feels that im a "^^ck up" because it took me years to finish nursing and she helped pay for it. So i get put down for that. She favors her hubby over me, i cant stand him! What makes this worse, I Live with my mom and stepfather. I see this woman every freakin day, util I save enough money to move.To make along story short, even though I can't stand her ways. I Love her to ^^^H! I would do anything for her. These women still gave us life. We owe them that much. Always remember, we have one MOM.Please try to work things out slowly. It will take time of course. Our Moms could be here today and gone tomorrow.Good Luck!!
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reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 My boyfriend has a similar situation with his own mother. She abused him as a child, physically and verbally and always believed his adopted sister over him. She even admitted to me that she had stabbed him a few times. He has tried over the last ten years to try to forgive her and move on and she never changes her behavior. She drinks all the time and after she accidentally started smothering our two month old daughter because she was too drunk to hold her, we were both done. That was our breaking point.
While she is her mother and I feel sympathy for her because he no longer talks to her, she makes no effort to apologize or change her behavior. She still has a relationship with his adopted daughter and they are both two faced, hypocritical and manipulative and we are better off for them no longer being in our lives.
We have our own family which we love and I am still really close with my family which has pretty much taken him in.
I know it's hard to let her go because she is your mother. Some people are mothers and some are just egg donors. If you feel that cutting your mother out of your life is what's best for you in the long run, then do it. If you want to cut her out of your life out of spite or because you just got into a major blow out with her, take a moment to consider what that would mean before you go through with it.
We don't forgive people who wrong us because they need it, we forgive them because we need it. Carrying that anger and resentment around just ends up hurting us. My bf has forgiven his mother, but has chosen to forgive her and move on because he realizes that she was never a mother to him and she will never change.
I wish you the best, I really hope this works out for you. I lost my mother four years ago this year, I was really close to her though and I hope my bf doesn't regret his decision to cut his mother out down the line in his life.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Hi
Mother daughter relationships are difficult when they go wrong. We only get one who we hope nurtures and supports us,loves us unconditionaly. When this doesn't happen it stays with you for life.
I do think you should have invited her to your Graduation,however the fact you didn't shows your feelings and probably made her finally see she had missed out and messed up.
She probably is depressed, all she's left with are the consequences of her life and actions now. So - No don't cut her out completely but certainly keep her at arms length, building small bridges.
Your life,career, is in front of you, you've made good, so she did something right however small.
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