A
male
age
41-50,
*ikey_m
writes:My partner of four years recently had an affair, then after much persuasion, decided that he did want to stay with me and make it work.When he was making his mind up I was desperate to have him back, but now he is I'm not so sure. I had thought that the dynamic of our relationship worked well. He was in charge of partying and I was in charge of domestic stuff. But he said he had an affair because I had got boring, and overly dependent on him. I can see his point in this -I think it is because I was a bit depressed, and also that he would be quite disparaging about some of my interests and friends so I let him decide a lot of what we'd do. I got forced into doing all the housework by his laziness, and got stuck in a kind of subservient role.He grew contemptuous of this subservience. I told him that it was because he didn't treat me with much respect that he came to dominate me. It's only been a few days but he hasn't got the message about respecting me. Snubs like being out drinking when he'd said he'd be home for dinner. He wants me to be more independent, but maybe just so he doesn't have to think about my feelings as much. He has treated me badly, and I wouldn't stay with him if it wasn't for the fact that I really really love him. He can be so charming and funny, and we do have a lot of interests in common. My friend says that people expect too much from relationships nowadays. Is it enough to love someone, even though you think they're a bit of an as_____?
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male
reader, mikey_m +, writes (31 March 2008):
mikey_m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice. It took me a bit of time to heed, but he is now out of my life!! Yeah!!! I feel so free and relieved now.
Last night he said he wanted to go out clubbing 'on his own' because it was all so heavy at the moment. I told him I didn't trust him but he went anyway.
Like an idiot I semi-believed him when he got home that he hadn't done anything, but tonight I compulsively checked the texts on his phone: he'd changed the affair's name, but it was all full of I love yous and one said he was just back with me until my life was more stable.
So I threw him out that instant. And he will have a nice black eye in the morning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Did you ever consider that you could be depressed because you have been in a relationship for 4 years with an asshole who doesn't really care for you, who controls you by putting you down and blaming you for his boredom with the relationship and even for his cheating on you? Did you ever consider that it is not all your responsibility to come up with fun things to do together, relationships are not made good on the basis of activities alone, and after awhile you are going to be socializing for the most part with each other and if you don't enjoy being together like that then you don't have much of a future together.
When a relationship does not meet your needs, when he doesn't validate you as the great woman you are, if he cheats on you and disrespects you, then eventually it will kill your spirit, and you will become depressed, that is if you have any sensitivity at all..
My advice to you, is try to fly solo and see if you don't feel better about yourself in time. Fun does not outweigh all of what you are describing.
It doesn't take someone 4 years either to decide whether or not you are the one to marry. He is not marriage material.
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A
male
reader, mikey_m +, writes (29 March 2008):
mikey_m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank for taking the time to give me your advice, people!
But there's a lot of things I did wrong myself. I was depending on him to make me happy, really, which must have been a burden for him. I didn't put effort into keeping in touch with my friends, even the ones he liked. I realised when he said he was thinking about leaving that I'd become completely dependent on him for socialising.
And I didn't put any time into our relationship, making time to do fun stuff together. Or really doing anything about my depression, which can't have been too much fun to be around.
He doesn't mean any harm by these everyday bits of rudeness, he's just a bit thoughtless. Maybe the fun we have outweighs this...?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Lovely that he put the blame for his affair squarely on YOUR shoulders by saying you'd become boring, when he's the one who made you that way by, as you said, "disparaging your interests and friends." That's not the behaviour of someone who's "a bit of an asshole" - that's the behaviour of someone who's a complete asshole who loves nobody but himself. You deserve better. Take back your life that he stole from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): People don't expect too much from relationships now days, they don't give enough of their time and commitment and emotional energy and expect to have to give less than they did in prior generations.....this is pretty much a recipe for failure.
In order to be worthy of love one has to put the needs of their partner over their own much of the time. There is no such thing as 50/50 it is more like giving 100% to the relationship in order for it to work.....A relationship has to take care of the needs of both people, not just one and has to have a strong foundation of friendship first. What healthy friendship do you know of that is based on laziness and disrespect and and dislike for friends and interests?
To answer your question, no it is not enough to love a person if they are not actively loving you back. He is a jerk and you have become his doormat.
It is time to take your power back and turn on your heels and walk out when he takes you for granted, disrespects you or tells you you are boring....what an ass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): No love is not enough!
Thats like saying its ok everything you do to me even if its hurtful,disrepectful cause I love you, its not enough as said on the site before actions speak louder than words.
I won't repond to the other bit of your post as you have decieded to stay together for now, but you are now questioning youself and your partner because of his actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): There's a great saying that goes;
'if you think you're being badly treated then you are'
I would go with your own feelings on this, if you're not happy and he's not treating you well then call it a day, you really shouldn't have to put up with such horrible behaviour, you deserve much better.
Kick him to the kerb Sweetie, life's too short xx
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