A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do you think it is common for men to promise marriage and then not follow through? I was with my ex for 8 years. After about three years he would say: we'll get married when we get home from travelling and settle in. Then it was: we'll get married when you finish college (I returned to start uni again). That turned into: when you have a job and have some money,well get married. So I was working for over two years, marriage? Not yet , I'm not ready, so and so have been together ten years and they are not married, why fix it if it isn't broken. Which eventually he said: I'm just not sure if I want to get married ever, which turned into : I don't know if I want to marry YOU.So a bit more time went by, I was miserable and so I broke up with him because I felt like he thought I wasn't good enough for him, or he was waiting for someone better to come along. Of course, the day I dumped him he told me: I'd marry you tomorrow! I'm ready for family life and have been for years. It's depressing me now!! Too late.Anyway, I'm with my current boyfriend for two years, we are saving for a house, have a puppy and in it for the long haul and I'm happy :) but if when he brings up marriage as something that will happen soon, I can't believe him. I can't shake the thought that I'm not worth marrying . Is it common for men to promise marriage and not go through with it? How long do I wait this time if the same thing happens to me? I'm thirty years old now,more mature than most of my friends who go out partying every weekend till four am. I don't do this anymore. And they are all marrying!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): With the details you've added he sounds like a keeper. :-) A solid head on his shoulders he has.
Happy loving!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): Hi. OP here, thanks for your answers everyone!Just to clarify, that myself and my current boyfriend have talked about marriage (right from the beginning) though it was much more light hearted. We are both saving for a house and he is living with his folks and starting up a business soon... He's always been adamant that he would not stay with a girl more than a year if he did not see himself marrying that person so as not to waste her time so to speak. But he has also said that he would be engaged by three year Mark. Unfortunately, he is also adamant that he would not become engaged while living with his parents. He may be there for at least another year... So for him it's about financial security, it's really important to him to "do it right". I just feel a little scared that he's going to have more excuses like my ex when that time comes! But you're right. I should by compare, and I should also give myself a deadline e.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 November 2014):
 While individual circumstances certainly allow for deviation. the general question of "Is it common for men...?" the short answer is: NO, not at all common. The majority of men that propose follow through with the inevitable matrimony. Like a woman, men find life alone is very difficult and therefore it is almost a given that a man will ultimately marry a woman. Might not be the right one but he will marry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): I hate to spoil the fairy tale but I don't see why you are waiting to see if and when he brings up marriage.You know that you want to get married and you probably have a timeline in your head of when. You also happened be one half of this relationship.Why on earth have you not had this conversation?! Marriage is not the man's call to make.It is a contract between 2 rational adults.You can discuss your respective thoughts on the subject and come up with a timeline that makes sense to both of you if you are both interested in marriage.If he's not into marriage, having that conversation NOW will save you from wasting time with someone who is not on the same page. Or it will be an opportunity for you to choose whether you are happy to stay with him knowing there's no marriage on the horizon. Either way, you'll be happier having discussed your longterm plans with him. No demands, just an open discussion to understand each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): Not sure if this is what is right for you, but each time I started dating someone seriously/exclusively, one of us would bring up the subject of the future as part of that conversation.
I would let them know that I had a "deadline" of 5 years (though I didn't call it that). I said if people were still dating but not wanting to get married by the time 5 years passed, they should break up & find someone new.
I never qualified that they had to have the wedding within 5 years, or just be engaged by then, but just that I was looking for that in the long term, and would not wait forever. After this I didn't bring up the subject again unless he wanted to talk about it.
I dated one man for a few years in my early 20's, and we ended up getting back together for another year later on. He asked me when we got back together if my 5 years started over or continued from the first time we dated. So yes, they do pay attention if it is something they want.
Later, I started dating my future husband, and I told him the same thing. We had been dating about 3 1/2 years when we got engaged.
I hope that you can express to your boyfriend that marriage is what you want in the end, and that if he does not want that too he should let you free to find someone else who does.
Also, don't worry too much about your age, I didn't get married until I was in my 30's.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 November 2014):
 My first advice is this, DO NOT COMPARE your current BF to your ex. He is NOT the same guy you USED to date.
As for your ex. I think he LIKED to idea of marriage, but he didn't WANT to give that full on "forever" commitment. HE also KNEW that marriage was something YOU wanted, so he thought he was KEEPING you happy by reiterating that "we should get married" but "we" have to wait for this or that. It gave YOU something to STAY with him for.. and it gave HIM breathing space.
I DO think it was the right thing to do to walk away. AND no if you HAD stayed and married him the next day, he would have throw that in your face over and over.
And now YOU know. WAITING 8 years for someone ELSE to decide if you are getting married or not is not the right thing for you.
Talk to your BF about marriage, set a realistic "dead-line". A marriage is a UNION between TWO people, it's NOT just the guy's (or girl's) choice - it's a JOINED decision.
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