A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A year ago i went with SO to his brother's home and a long time friend, that I'd never met, of theirs joined us. Bro was going through divorce, friend recently divorced, i was the only female and therefore took vicious jabs for all wicked women everywhere. Listening to friend tell SO not to ever get married and to watch his money around me, etc etc. It was not a fun night. SO didn't say much but thought the whole thing was hysterical. I spent the night holding my tongue. Had I had anywhere to go I would have left, but we were at bro's 1 br apt in a city I didn't know and I didn't drive. Next morning my SO was mocking me to his brother. This was not like him at all. I didn't bad mouth the friend but told SO that I was hurt by the relentless joking at my expense and that he not only went along with it, but started it the next morning. He did apologize. Recently bro and same friend stopped through town for a night. Not wanting a repeat of the last time, I made sure I was "busy". I met them for breakfast the next morning and all was well. That evening SO and I had a nice night out. (diner no drinks) On the way back home he started harrasing me about directions I gave to tourists. (the directions were correct). He said the husband was probably yelling at the wife that they wouldn't be lost if SHE hadn't listened to THAT WOMAN's directions. I just laughed this off at first...but he kept on and on and on, raising his voice and sounding very aggrevated. We do tease each other light heartedly, but this was different. When I calmly tried to get him to stop, he told me I sounded like his ex-sil (whom he despises). I sarcastically said, that was real nice. He then started on another rant as to why I sounded like her. I lost it and yelled at him. He finally stopped. He later "apologized" saying "I'm sorry that you're so sensitive that you took my joking seriously. I've never said something to hurt you on purpose." He goes on "men's night" where we live and doesn't act like this. His brother and I get along great. The only thing I can think of is that the friend started another night of women bashing. Is it common for men to become spiteful toward their SO after listening to women bashing from friends?
View related questions:
divorce, his ex, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I'm the letter writer. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. SO and I have a good relationship...we do have our ups and downs like everyone else. This is a big problem for me though. When we spend time with brother he doesn't do this to me. It's only been when it was brother and friend. I have met brother's ex while they were still married. She was not a nice person and to be compared really made me mad. And it did cross my mind to tell him that I wouldn't subject him to that and to enjoy his life. That was the hurt side...the rest of me said to take a deep breath and realize that this is out of character for him. I know we need to have a long talk and figure this out. There is a strong possibility that we will be moving in the near future. After this I'm having second thoughts...
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 August 2010):
Diddo soul4!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Now I'm no relationship expert so please take my advice with a grain of salt as well as listening to the opinions of the other aunts and uncles here.
My first impression was that he didn't apologize for what he did - he apologized that you were offended. This makes it sound a bit as though he still thought you were at fault. He's still projecting the stereotypical impression of the woman who over-reacts and needs to be pacified.
We have to face it - probably most of us complain about our SOs once in a while. His brother and friend have been burned by women - perhaps their fault, perhaps their SOs faults, perhaps a little bit of both. They probably aren't sexist and stereotyping at heart but it comes across that way because they've been hurt. Rather than admitting the personal problems between both parties, they stereotype all women to avoid acknowledging their own portion of blame.
I would advise that a good way to deal with this would be to tap into that root of hurt. Perhaps talk with your SO - non-confrontationally - about the problems that his brother and friend have faced. Talk about why they are bitter towards women and what hurt they might be feeling. Then ask your SO if he believes that he is being hurt by you through any of the same qualities.
Remember to use personal "I" statements rather than attacking "you" statements. Rather than "You are lumping me in with different women" try "Do you think that I embody the same selfishness / untrustworthyness / etc. that caused your friends pain?" Or even "Do I hurt you the way that these women hurt your friends?" Ask these calmly and sincerely so that your SO feels that you want to talk honestly about his perspective on the relationship.
Now, I know what you may be thinking - am I advising you to open yourself up for attacks when you are holding the high ground in this relationship? Far from it! When you ask him if you are hurting him or being selfish in the same way, chances are he will become ashamed and have to admit, "No, we are different than them." By ferreting out the root of his friends' despair - hurt and bitterness - and then asking if he feels the SAME hurt and bitterness in your relationship, you will make him see the difference between their failed relationships and your strong relationship.
It will make him see their experiences as individual and isolated rather than as a stereotype of all women. If you ask this sincerely, you are likely to get a sincere answer and perhaps even uncover any problems with the relationship that he may secretly feel. Projecting concern and focus for the SO goes a long way in getting him to open up!
On the other hand, if he takes this as an opportunity to rag on you (and all women) some more, then perhaps inform him that you will not burden and hurt him anymore but will do him the favor of setting him free. Perhaps he can find a nice man to his liking if he dislikes women so much!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): friends can have alot of influence on us. sometimes a little too much. Talking with his friend is probably bringing back sour memories of his other relationship.But that doesnt give him the right to expect you to accept a bashing every time. Kindly remind him when he gives you a fake apology, that it takes two people to have an argument.
...............................
|
